Interesting Advice

Last night went to my cousin's wedding and it was AWESOME! Always great to get together with the cousins, drink, eat and reminisce about all the old times. Though there was a moment in the night that would be best forgotten, the majority of the night was great, thus proving that our family can't get any better. I would have added bigger to that statement also but there's already another bun in the oven! :P

Anyhow, had a moment to catch-up and chat with my sister-in-law and she gave me some interesting advice. Words that I actually wanted to hear. Wise words about being an independent woman and whatnot. With the way I've been feeling lately, these certain words of encouragement and empowerment were just the right push that I needed and when I went back to my table, it made me feel like I hadn't made any mistakes or regrets with the decisions I've made in the past... let's say, few weeks.

Especially with the opposite sex.

So I want to thank her and I'm glad she told me what life is really like for her, despite all the ups and downs.
Love you sis!

Got an early morning tomorrow - even though it's Easter Monday and I should be taking full advantage of this extra day off - but I have some important family stuff to attend to.

Happy Easter yo!
chauie
'So let me on down, Cause time has made me strong. I'm starting to move on. I'm gonna say this now, Your chance has come and gone' - Too Little Too Late, JoJo

Chinese New Year: Year of the Tiger

February 14 may have been Valentine's Day for a lot of you, but for me, it marked the date of the beginning of Chinese New Year.

Not like I have a significant other, so I was completely fine with the fact that the day clashed with the Hallmark holiday. Some people in my family were less than pleased... lol

So I've decided as my (Chinese) new year's resolution to rid myself of the old and welcome the new. Now this shall/could be applied to every aspect of my life: friends, work, love.. and especially old habits.

I've decided that it's time for me to let go of the past and embrace the future. I really hope I can do it.

Plus, this year celebrated the Year of the Tiger (which I am), so I really hope 2010 is the year for me.

My mum read my Chinese horoscope for me for the next 12 months and whilst there are some good points there, there's also some sour months. The good points are directed towards my career and work but I want 2010 to bring luck to me in other elements.

Either way, the Chinese horoscope is usually on point every year for me and my family so I hope those good things do happen...

Til then, guess I just gotta take it one day at a time.
Peace yo.
chauie

Re-Connecting

This past week has been up and down for me. I had a feeling my good news would come to a halting stop. I knew there was a reason why I never really shared good news with anyone before, not just friends but family and workmates too.

The first 4 and a half days of the working week was great! Everything seemed to be smooth sailing and it was making me feel glad that I was still in January. I say "and a half" because the morning of Thursday was a morning filled with gossip and giggling whilst emailing a girlfriend of mine about the opposite sex. Very funny :P

But all good things must come to an end right?

Let's just say I copped a bit of critique about my work and although, I'm all well and good now after having a few days to myself, at the time I was really upset. Especially for the fact that it just kept coming, one after the other.

It was hard being at work too coz I couldn't really show what I was truly feeling. I wanted to scream! I wanted to throw my crackberry at the monitor then throw the monitor out the window. All I could do was go to the bathroom and shed a few tears there...

I know it was constructive criticism but I was happy with what I had done and when I saw who the caller was, I thought they'd be sharing in my happy news. But no. It was quite the opposite.

I felt so shitty with myself that I almost skipped the farewell dinner but the girl whom we were saying goodbye too was not at fault. It was me. So I went to dinner but left pretty soon afterwards. I only said goodbye to her and I know what everyone else was thinking.

I saw the expression on the faces and the surprise in their voices. But I'm sure they got over it five minutes later.

But on Friday, I came into work, on 4 hours of sleep, and didn't show any signs of unhappiness, anger or the like, somehow someone knew that I wasn't feeling all like myself. She asked me one question that morning that turned my whole (true) mood around.

The night before, friends had asked how work was that day, and I answered what they had asked about - work. They didn't ask about my day or how I was. They asked about work and so I kept the answer relating to work.

Later that day (Friday) though, I received a surprise email from my cousin from the States and after emailing her back and forth, she told me that she was glad that we were re-connecting again and those are the words that left me forgetting about the previous day's events. They just didn't matter anymore.

We were emailing each other all day about everything, especially future plans and I'm really excited for what's to come. She had me seeing things from a different perspective but in all honesty, when I do have a bad day, all I need is a few days of "me" time and I'll be alright.

People in my life who think they know me but don't just need to know that. It's one of the more important things about me and my personality.

Peace.
x
chauie

Vice

I was out with friends for a girlfriend's farewell but I left the night early, hoping to catch up on some sleep and re-collect my thoughts on the train ride home alone. Whilst I managed to do the latter, it's almost 1am and I don't feel the least bit tired.

I don't know what's wrong.
Maybe there's too many thoughts in my head
And so therefore I feel that I cannot
And will not
Be able to sleep until my thoughts are clear.

At times like these
Like the one I'm experiencing at this very moment
I wish I had a vice
Somehow release my thoughts and emotions through it
Take my stress away through a puff of smoke
Or perhaps a swig of alcohol

You may not have been yelling at me
But I could hear the judgment in your voice.
That's why I could not speak whilst we were on the phone
Hearing and knowing your reaction of my written words
Scared me for what may have come had I spoken any words.

I love how I can switch my mood
My mindset
When I walk through the door
Everyone's oblivious
And no-one notices a thing
I'm the invisible individual
No-one asks me how I am
Or notices that I've been crying for the past hour...

Whatever.
I guess I just have to remind myself that I'm the odd one out.
In every aspect of my life...

I miss her!
I wish she was here right now.
She'd know what to say...

All mixed emotions in this post. Gonna try and rest.
My mind may not be clear but my body needs sleep.

Nite yo
chauie
'In the room full of people feels like no one's around. Got your head in the clouds and your feet are off the ground', How It Feels Like To Fly, Alicia Keys

January Update

I haven't really been blogging in regards to updates as of late and so I decided to do one (or two) on a monthly basis just so I can drone on and on hehe. Sure the poems are a little insight into my life but they're more cryptic versions... pieces with no names mentioned, which is the way I like them. :)

So I thought I'd have this post and possibly the next one be a little more of the detailed updates - not of the poetry kind.

First off things are really taking off for me. 2010 is the year where I wanted to apply for an internship to get my writing career kick-started and whatnot (It was one of my goals for 2010). Like I said previously, the TAFE marks that I received were awesome and I feel like they were just the thing I needed to give me that push for me to keep doing what I'm doing. Like it was a sign for me to take that next step in achieving my dream, as corny as that sounds...

Last night I went to a farewell for my best friend, a close girlfriend and another mate and instead of all the sad stories and reminiscing, we all took it as a time to catch up and quickly say what we wanted to say until the time we would see each other again.

I admit there were tears when I gave my close girlfriend a card with what I wanted to say to her. I've never been one to say words out loud, in a sense, and the affect that what was written on the card had on her was exactly what I wanted - needless to say there were a little bit of tears and a few hugs. Gonna miss you my dear and will never forget how we first met :) I know you're coming back but that'll be a while yet. xx

My best friend is leaving sooner than ever and I probably didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked to but we caught up and I know she's coming back before I realise how quickly the time has passed. I swear, if she was leaving indefinitely, I probably would have cried a puddle of tears last night but she's going on a big adventure in the next few months and a well-deserved holiday at that! Love you D. xx

As if our group didn't have only a few girls already... now two more are leaving. Boo!

Okay enough of sad news... onto the good!

So like I said at the beginning, I feel like 2010 is going to be my year, career-wise that is, and the past 2-3 weeks has already proven that to me. First off, I talked to my manager about wanting to apply for an internship this year and I wanted to get her thoughts on that. My manager and I are pretty close as far as work relationships go and I'm so glad I received the approval from her to 'go for it'. She knows that I want to move on from my current role and she expects it. Actually, she expected me to move on a while ago hehe

So good news #1.

#2: This may have been a big sign but when I walked out of that meeting (with my manager), I received an email from [Melbourne magazine] Acclaim - it was one of their weekly newsletters - and the content within it was that they were looking for interns! I was a little hesitant in applying coz the internship would be in Melbourne and if I were to get it I would have to figure out a whole bunch of things - i.e flights, leave, accomodation, etc.

I talked to one of my good mates asking for advice and he said to just go for it so I thought it over myself and decided to take the advice of him and my manager and applied.

#3: Got home and received my TAFE marks for the last semester, which if you guys read my blog often, you'll know what I got. Otherwise refer to previous post - 'Results'.

#4: A few days later, I received an email from Mariam, Digital Editor for Universal Music Australia, and I totally forgot that I had randomly applied for this role and well basically her news was that she was happy to have me on as a reviewer for one of their sister sites. This gig is unpaid but in exchange I get free CDs (on a fortnightly basis) and hopefully and eventually, concert tickets. Fingers crossed!

#5: The week after, I received an email from [sub-editor of Acclaim] Alex, letting me know that whilst they couldn't offer me the internship because of the whole location thing, she suggested that I write for the site/blog instead! I was stoked! Even if the role is unpaid, for the moment, the more important thing to me is getting the experience and the exposure. Check out my pieces at www.acclaimmag.com and look out for the BY line hehe :0)

This has been my first week at writing for Acclaim and I'm loving it. At the farewell last night, I had all my friends telling me how proud they were of me! Soo happy! Ah it feels so good to be loved hehe which kind of contradicts what that fortune teller told me last weekend...

Well I'm gonna end this post right here but dont worry, my next update will be about that fortune teller haha

Enjoy the weekend!
Peace yo.
x
chauie

One Sentence

I should be the happiest girl in the world right now.
I should feel like I'm on top of the world.
On the outside I do - well my smiles are showing it.
And for the first half of the day, I was.
I was all smiles.
Boasting about my new writing opportunities for online side projects*.
My workmate said she could feel the sense that I was really excited.
Even when I was saying nothing.

Unfortunately, after lunch my brother sent me an email with one sentence.
But within that sentence was information my mother had told me earlier this morning before I walked out of the house.
I don't know why it didn't hit me sooner.
I guess seeing it written out and reading it just made it seem like it was final.
That things were set in stone.

I don't particularly know where this piece of news is going to lead us but I hope our pathway isn't heading any further downhill coz it really feels like we've hit rock bottom...

Peace.
chauie

NB: *Online side projects are two unpaid writing gigs that I've recently scored! It's finally happening yo!

'I missed all the signs, one at a time....' - Disappear, Beyonce

Results

I received my results for last semester earlier this week and the news had me feeling positive for the rest of the week!

The good news (and what I was hoping) is that I passed everything.
The even greater news is I received two distinctions and a credit!
Not bad for my first semester :)

I guess the late nights, the stressing and the struggles of the (dis)organisation and (mis)communication between me and the other students was all worth it.

I was telling my workmate that I've never received anything higher than a credit.
When I was still at Uni, I just crossed my fingers and hoped for a pass, rather than a fail.

The results put a stamp on the fact that I'm doing the right thing by studying for this course.
That I'm headed in the right direction.

I'm so happy!
I told my mum that night and she couldn't help but make a negative comment, but all in all, she was happy too. It's so hard to please her! :/

x
chauie

Happy New Year yo!

2009 has ended and 2010 has officially started and I think it's the perfect time for all of us (me, especially) to let go of all we know so we can grow. May it be the bad or the good, we shouldn't let our past define us.

I want to re-enter this world as a twenty-three year old with a different outlook on life. I want to welcome the perspectives of others before I make major (or drastic) decisions concerning my own happiness and well-being.

But in saying that, at the end of the day I want to make a decision (whether it be good or bad, right or wrong) on my own and if it happens to be the wrong one, I want to learn from the mistake and not repeat that same (bad) decision twice.

2010 may only have started but there a couple of things that have been said and some may have started at the end of 2009 that may linger onto 2010 that have me excited for what's to come in the near future.

I want to have a more open mind in the future.

I know I can't completely change my mindset and that there will be a lot of times when I'll stay true to myself and the person I am but for the most part, I'd like to have a more open mind and give certain individuals a chance if the time and place calls for it.

Like I've mentioned in a previous post, there are handful of goals that I'd like to achieve this year. They're not necessarily my New Year's Resolution(s), but just a list of goals that I hope to achieve by 31 Dec 2010. Granted, all of them may not be achieved but I've got at least one goal for every part of my life - work, study, friends, family and me.

Some are long-term and I know personally that I will not complete some of these goals by 31 Dec but I'd like to try and get started on it if time permits me to.

Anyhow, I'll stop here for now - they'll be plenty more to write in 2010 and I'm looking forward to it! :)

May we all have a great 2010 ahead of us!
Happy New Year yo!

Thanks for reading/following/dropping by whenever you have a moment,
x
chauie

The Odd One Out

It's two days before 2010 and I'm anxious to find out what the year has in store for me.
I turned 23 (approximately) two weeks ago and it seems like things are already taking a positive turn for me.
Since the night of my birthday dinner, it's like I've woken up even more in a sense.
I have a handful of personal goals that I'd like to acheive by 31 Dec 2010.
But even if I only achieved one of those goals and complete it whole-heartedly, I'd be happy.

2009 was the year thay begun the search of being my own person...
I stood up against my parents and told them what I wanted.
After 22 years, they had to know me by now right?
Sometimes that statement feels like the exact opposite.
But as much as my family want me to be like them in life, share the same attributes and whatnot, for the first time I don't mind being the odd one out.
I don't mind not being the one that doesn't fit in.
I don't mind being misunderstood.

I've felt the feeling of it for years now but now I feel I can finally accept it.
I know my opinions and thoughts have always been different to those of my family members and relatives and at this moment, I'm honestly okay with it.

Peace and love,
chauie

Merry Christmas Yo!

Hello to all who read my blog regularly or come by to see what I've posted about every once in a while.

Just wanna take this time out to thank you and to wish you all a Merry and Happy Christmas!

Spend it with your loved ones and although I'm not one to usually celebrate the holiday, I'd like to remind you all that it is a time of giving and not necessarily receiving.

xx

chauie

There There

(Written on 28 November 2009)

There's just some things you realise that you want and things you don't.

I wish my best friend was here with me right now.

There are times when I feel like I still put my guard up with her (coz of my past experiences) but I think this weekend - this trip - would have been the perfect time for the both of us to have a good ol' heart to heart.

There are two best friends on this trip and seeing them earlier chatting away and catching up made me miss mine even more.

She's finished with Uni now so maybe someday soon...

I also miss my Auntie.

I feel like I haven't experienced that closure for her since she passed. I feel like I haven't cried all the tears I can possibly endure. I haven't yet let go of all of the emotions that are bottled up within me right now (and I know they're still there coz I let some escape the first night we were here).

The worst part is, (and I can't keep thinking about it either), that I realised too late that I never got to say all the things I wanted to say when the realisation of her loss hit me.
Sometimes I wish my aunt wasn't cremated and was buried instead so that I could go to her grave (on my own terms) whenever I needed to and just speak my thoughts - out loud.

My hands shake and my eyes are welling up as I write this and listen to Thom York singing out to me 'Just coz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.' (Radiohead, There There)

I've escaped from the rest of my group of friends for the moment to jot down my thoughts but it saddens me a bit knowing that they haven't noticed that I'm missing and come looking for me... coz well, it's been awhile..

A bit of a lengthy one,
chauie

Selfish.

Last night was an emotional night.
With family and then friends.

It was the 49th day after my aunt's death and I was there to pray for her along with some of the rest of my relatives.

"In the Mahayana Buddhism, especially, Vietnamese tradition we pray for the dead for 49 days after passing away, 49 being the estimated time it takes for the spirit to be reborn again into a new life. Some spirits are reborn 3 days, 21 days, 49 days or 100 days after death, and in some cases even 7 years."

After the prayers, one of the monks spoke a little prayer and said words that would help us to move on with our lives. Not being fluent in Vietnamese, I only stood bits and pieces but the parts I did understand, ultimately lead to tears streaming down my face [and everyone else's].

I still miss her...
...And I don't know if I'll ever stop crying for her...

~

Later that night, I went out to meet my friends for a joint birthday celebration.

I was pretty late as I had the family commitment to attend to but when I arrived, it was a good feeling that everyone was so supportive and welcoming. Hugs all around and comments that they were waiting for me to show up.

I love my friends.

As far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I need.
They don't need to know the whole story on certain issues but I know that they'll always be there for me.

In fact I want to take this moment right now to apologise to one friend in particular - K.A - sorry for my words in regards to my choices. Sorry for my selfish choice.
I've decided not to go ahead with it.
I hope you forgive me for it.

x
chauie
'I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes. I'm tired of this smile, that even I don't recognise' - The Good Kind, The Wreckers

Frustrated

For the longest time (even though it was really only a week or so) it seemed like I was frustrated with myself because I could not find myself getting back into writing anything.
After what happened with my Aunty, it seemed as though I had lost all my inspiration and the motivation altogther.

A friend of mine messaged me to see how I was doing last week on the train and it was only then that I realised when I answered him honestly that I realised I had not been able to write a personal piece. As you can see from my updates this past weekend, that is no longer true and I'm so glad.

Maybe I just needed a break from everything. A little time to myself.
It was wierd though coz like I was telling my workmate, I don't turn to alcohol when I'm stressed - only for social occasions. I don't smoke or do drugs. Writing was (still is) my creative outlet whenever I was stressed. The familiar and comfortable feeling of holding a pen and writing in my notebook would usually set me at an ease and it upset me that I couldn't do that last week.

I'm okay now but I just wanted to give a reason for my lack of posts last week.
I'm glad I'm able to write again and haven't lost my motivation entirely to one day live up to my dream..

Peace yo.
chauie

Is The Day Over?

I wrote this last weekend but couldn't find the strength to finish it... so for those who regularly check my blog, if you notice the date of post, then you'll probably understand what I'm babbling on about... Today I found a spare few moments to work on it. I still feel that it's sort of unfinished in a sense but I'm going to leave it. Enjoy.

~
If I dont sleep tonight, does that mean the day is not yet over?
The funeral was yesterday
All of us dressed in black and white
I wanted to escape
I want to know what life on mars is like
Mod colours represented death for both nations
I tried not to cry too much
But I couldnt control my emotions
The tears flowed
And I went through two packets of tissues
Honestly it felt good to let all the emotions out
At least for the day
I'm sure there are still more tears inside me wanting to break free
More breakdowns, more screaming..
The eulogies read by her kids were beautifully spoken
Especially by her oldest son
There wasn't a dry eye in the room..

(I miss you and I'll always love you Aunty.)

x
chauie
I've been searching deep down in my soul. Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old, It feels like I'm starting all over again, - Goodbye To You, Michelle Branch

Next Time

Orignially written on Monday 21/09/2009... have finally found the time to post it today.

~

It's taking all of my willpower to not break down and cry right now.
Right now I'm on the train and I can already feel multiple pairs of eyes on me, wondering what I'm writing about. Why am I concentrating so intently?
The reality is, I'm not concentrating at all. I'm just letting the pen glide my hand across the page.

How could something like this happen so quickly?
It's scary.
I hadn't seen her long before we received the call...

My hands are shaking, in fact I think my whole body is. But that's normal right - to react this way from the reel of the shock that's happened?
My world feels like it's turned... turning and spiralling downhill.
My heart is slowly breaking and I haven't slept enough to be able to survive today.
To be able to make it a productive day at work so that no-one suspects a thing...

Wake me up from this dream - this nightmare.
I pinch myself but nothing happens.

This wasn't supposed to happen. She's still young.
I remember the moments and laughs we shared during the month I spent with her family and 20 other family members in Vietnam (Jan 07). She was my substitute mum for the entire month... It was a good feeling to have knowing that my mother's younger sister cared for me like that.

The news is spreading, as I write this, to all our famiy across the world.
This news is surely going to shatter everyone who were lucky enough to get a chance to know her.

The tears didn't stop last night and I feel them coming on again as I write with Kid Cudi blasting in my ears.

My only regret is something I told myself I would do 'next time' but this was the next time and now it's too late.
I let history repeat itself.
I let it repeat because I couldn't find the nerve to open my mouth and speak the words I needed to say.

If I write a letter to her and place it in her casket at the funeral, do you think she'll be able to read it? I'm so much better writing worrds rather than speaking them. Through a letter, I'll be able to write the words I wasn't able to speak. I'll be able to write to my heart's content.

For all I know now, the sky has fallen and I don't want to continue this life.
Why couldn't I have been the one to go instead?

x
chauie
'Their tears are filling up their glasses. No expression, no expression. Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow.' - Mad World, Gary Jules

[Oh] Is it?

Is it fucked up that I tend to go out with friends whenever I receive a piece of bad news about my family?

The thing is, I don't even tell my friends what's going on...

If they plan a night out, I jump at the chance, saying 'yes' with no hesitations, when really I should be saying 'no'...

The main reason being is coz I want to avoid the place I call home when I'm feeling like this.

I mean I love my family.. but I feel like my friends are my family too, more often than not.
They are the ones that understand me. Even when I sit there silently, they know that something as simple as a hug can take away some of the pain that I go through..

Is that fucked up?
Is that strange?
Is it?

Or maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm the one that's strange.
I know a lot of the time I feel fucked up and forgotten.

The thing is I can wear a disguise with my family - stick a smile on my face and just 'pretend' that everything is A-OK. Just fine.

In reality, most times, it's not.
These days, I feel like the care factor towards me is diminishing. The questions towards me are fading. But I guess it's just something I should be used to having been treated and likened to a shadow growing up.

Like at the last family event I attended about a little over a month ago, when I came out to join in with the surrounding chit chat, it felt like those whom were there were making conversation with me just to make conversation. Polite conversation. It was like they were talking just to fill the void of the silence. Awkward, maybe, but aren't we supposed to be family? There should be no such thing as awkward silences!

It's like I moved away and we don't have anything to talk about anymore? Shouldn't we be catching up on all the things we've missed out on doing together? Your questions are short and from now on, my answers will leave you with no desire to follow-up on it.

If you wonder why I don't stay longer at these events...well now you know.
Here's the truth - there, I've said it.
Now do you have anything to say?

So like I was saying with family, I can wear a mask of (fake) feelings, but with friends it's getting more difficult to do the same thing coz they know me too well now.
I still have my guards up sometimes but I like that they ask me how I am twice just to make sure that I really am okay.
Just goes to show that they do care and aren't just making polite conversation like others.

The only time when I feel like I can't turn to either friends or (if I had to) family, I usually stay in my room, door locked, stereo on loud and holding paper and a pen. And more often than not, I won't come out until I'm ready to.
Not until I'm ready to unlock my bedroom door...

My vent for the day,
chauie
'I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring outta me. I bring them to the light for you, it's only right' - Soundtrack 2 My Life, Kid Cudi

Last Night

Last night whilst you were getting ready for bed or already in bed, tucked under the covers, the phone rang at my house and the news spoken from sender to receiver sent my whole family reeling. We acted quick! Grabbing only our jackets and phones, we raced to the car and drove to the hospital.

It was 90 minutes after I had gotten home after seeing her last. How can things take a turn for the worse after 90 minutes? 10pm right on the dot is when the phone rang.

Walking into the room, everyone was in tears, as expected.
It was a sight beyond belief to be honest.
My mum walked over to the bed and broke down hugging the lifeless figure that lay on the bed.
Seeing my mum break down flicked a switch in me and that broke me too.

~

I broke down earlier this morning.
My boss told me to go home but I didn't want to go.
I needed a distraction.
I needed to do work as much as my mind was not up for it.
In my heart and my mind, I knew that if I were to leave this building, I would be going anywhere but Home.
One of my best friends from work lead me into a room and calmed me down, putting a smile on my face.
She's been through all this before when she lost her dad late last year.
She knows what I'm going through.
I'm glad she was here. I'm glad that she is here.

As Silence Washes Over Once Again..

Dinner last night was once again in silence.
Well at least for the first twenty mintues.
Then all of a sudden one of my brothers got heated up about the other whom was sent to Singapore for a few days for work.

His true feelings came out.
There was so much drama and honesty in the 20 minutes that he spoke (or rather yelled) that he left the table without finishing the contents of his bowl.

I know my brother gets easily heated when he argues - which is actually a characteristic that we both share - but it got so bad that when my dad tried to make light of the situation, he snapped at my dad and made him shut up too.

Never say I didn't warn you.

My family's not perfect and neither am I.

Nite,
chauie

'I think I'm just tired. I think I need a new town to leave this all behind...' - Boston, Augustana

Father's Day

Just wanted to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day although I know he'll never come across this blog but at least everyone else will know how I feel about him.

I love him. Simply put.
Despite all the shit that we've gone through, especially in the past year... my love for him will always sbe there. I try not to take the time we have together for granted. And I know when I ask for something and he says 'no', he's just doing what he thinks is best for me.
So I'm glad to have someone in my life who is still 'protective' of me no matter how much I complain about not having any freedom hehe

I wrote a piece about him on one of my old blogs (the site no longer exists -- sorry!).. appropriately titled 'Father'. It was a bit negative, but after writing it, things started getting better between us so I'm glad I got my thoughts out and wrote it at the time that I did.

And although he may not know it... when my parents get invited to a wedding and my mum can't make it, I'll volunteer to go with him because I want to. Getting dressed up is only the small part about it. I never know the couple getting married but I like just spending that daddy-daughter time with him. We joke around and talk about stuff that I would never usually talk to him about - even at home when the rest of the family is present. Kinda wierd but that's the way it's always been.

I've never been close to my family.
On the outside, it's all a facade.
Inside the house, there are so many layers that no-one knows about.

Give your dad a hug today and tell him you love him yo! :)

Peace.
chauie
'So fathers be good to your daughters, and daughters will love like you do' - Daughters, John Mayer

Collapse..

Received some news this morning from my dear mother before I walked out the door..

I walked out without really thinking anything of it.

It wasn't until later in the day when I snapped at my friend and workmate that it started to hit me.

The realisation caused my heart to collapse.

I was really quiet for the longest time and one workmate thought I was stressing out over a particular task I was working on... but in reality, because my back was turned to him, I was crying... silently.

When he left his desk, I left mine and went to the bathroom and cried some more.

I spent the majority of what was supposed to be my lunchtime in the bathroom crying..

I ended up going out for a walk for the remainder of time I had left for lunch with my ipod blaring Kid Cudi. His lyrics filled me with a sense of calmness and I definitely felt like I wasn't alone.

~

Anyways came home after working eleven hours and it turns out the news wasn't as bad as it was made out to be. Guess I should know by now that usually hearing news through the grapevine and chinese whispers, things often tend to get exaggerated, especially with my family.

In a way though, I'm glad I was able to cry and let out all the emotions I was feeling for those few minutes but now that I know she's okay, I can safely say that I'm okay too. :)

Night yo.
chauie
'I just wanna let it go for the night. That would be the best therapy for me.' - Memories, David Guetta ftg Kid Cudi