Bad News All Around

i'm quitting this blog.
this sudden burst of rain reflects my mood perfectly.

Update:
I take back the above statement
But to be honest, I dont think i'll be posting as much, even though my mind is full of millions of thoughts right now.

Over the weekend, I've discovered tumblr (a bit late i know) but I love that it has a Blackberry application therefore I can write all my thoughts on the go. Plus it's like Facebook, Twitter and Blogspot combined - I can do my short status updates, upload pic/videos or write any of my long "thoughts".

Don't know if anyone still reads this blog but if you want to follow me on tumblr, click here.

Peace.

Regret

Lots of mixed thoughts surrounding what happened last night
I admit it, I had expectations
Even though I just wanted to go with the flow
I couldn't help it
When i saw him, hugged him
All those carefree thoughts went out the window

But as the night went on...
I felt the distance between us
Even though we were sitting right next to each other

That's what I felt.
Who knows what you were feeling
Or thinking for that matter.

Your comment to me woke me up and in turn, I turned my back on you
For the rest of the night
But I guess you were fine
Coz you were occupied by conversation from another lady
And you seemed happy
So maybe I should stop trying.

Maybe that's just my paranoia setting in again.
Two weeks in a row
Where both Saturdays I've woken up and haven't exactly felt the best about the previous night's experiences.

I'm feeling more or less regretful about the whole situation
Why did I kiss him,
When I wanted to kiss you?

Out for now.
There might be more later.
x
C

Influenced

The post below, is something I wrote a couple days ago on the train on the way home, when I found out class was cancelled. Score!

Later today, I'll post something that reflects the update of the situation.

In the meantime, here's Thursday's post:

I'm receiving differences of opinions about you
About what to do with you
My next move...
I'm not the right person to be experiencing this
The results are leaving me confused
Not knowing what's right
And not wanting to believe what's right is actually wrong
I know that everyone has voiced their opinion
I know that's it's me that has to tell you yes or no
I just can't help but let my decision be influenced.

The thing is, I know that whatever happens between us
Won't last very long
And part of me doesn't mind
Time will always be an issue
It's a part of life
And I can accept that
Truly.

I just want to know what you're thinking
About all of this
Especially with what happened
The last time we were out together
Was the alcohol a contributing factor,
Or was it giving you courage to act the way you wanted to?

I have a confession to make:
I wanted you that night and I still do.

What do I do now? :(

x
C

Attraction

My friend is right
Although I can't have you
The way I (used to) think I could
The attraction will always be there
The smiles
The jokes
The winking
You'll always know how to bring me out of a crazy mood
Well (at least) I know that you're the answer
But you might not lol
At least it'll keep the mystery going between us

Still,
I like this place we're in:
Just friends
For the first time, I'm okay with not crossing the line with you

x
C

Anxious, Paranoid, Fear.

I'm feeling so anxious at the moment.
I just texted someone and I'm anxiously awaiting their response.

One great mate of mine decided to give up my birthday present to him so that I could give it to someone who could potentially change things for me. He told me he cared about my happiness more than the gift itself. So sweet.

The anxiety is slowly passing and the paranoid is starting to take over though.
A guy from my past has walked into my life lately.. the most significant being last night and I fear for what he has told others about me.

I know people have different opinions of me. They stereotype me to a certain extent or they think that just because I am a certain way when they first meet me then that must be my personality right?
First impressions may be important but most times the layers underneath are so much more important when you're getting to know someone.

I'm trying something new with someone new :)
And I really hope things work out because the last couple have just not turned out the way I thought..
I don't want to be pigeon-holed as someone that I am completely not.

Not wanting to reveal the finer details of this situation, I'm going to stop writing now.
But I'm so anxious about the response of the person on the other side of the text that I'm making myself paranoid and upset.
Not good.

Out.
x
chauie

Stop

I saw the look on your face when you saw me walking out with them.
I know you still got it for me
But you should know by now
I'm definitely over you.
Scratch that, I was never into you
Nothing ever happened between us
So I don't know how
You supposedly felt something much deeper than I
You took me out on one date
And from then, I knew there was nothing to come out of the two of us
I know you still look for me
Glancing over my direction
Whenever we're in the same vicinity
But here's news for you:
You need to stop.
Stop being so desperate.
That is what turned me off in the first place.
You were far too clingy for my liking
The two guys I walked out with today know how to play the game
(as much as I hate playing games)
Nothing is happening
But if one of them rolled the dice,
I'd rather be their opponent than yours
(Rolling the dice and playing along with them)

Just got back from class and my feet are sore from my shoes lol
TGIF tomorrow.
Heading out for a big one with a possibility of certain people joining us :)
Can't wait!
Now it's time for bed... Nighty Night
x
chauie

Long Weekend

Sometimes working in Finance has its advantages, like the Bank Holiday that was today was a public holiday for us which meant a long weekend but my sister decided to move houses this weekend and so my nephew came over. Saturday and Sunday were fine but then she decided to bring him over today too!

I love the little guy but I had planned to do all these things today like work on my assignment, go to the doctor to get my vaccinations for China, go camera shopping (or at least research for quotes rather than spending), etc.

Oh well, he slept for three hours today and luckily I managed to get one of those things ticked off the list - my assignment. Thank goodness - otherwise it would have been an all-nighter tonight.

Anyways I'm beat. Not much to report. I've been doing some thinking too about some things but am yet to make a decision on anything. Am really hoping that my trip to China in 18 days (!!) will help me decide things and have me come back with a fresh perspective.

x
Chauie 

the cheeky little troublemaker that is my nephew, Hayden :)

Haters!

Sometimes I hate that act that you put on
Talking like you don't like something or someone
But I know the truth
I saw you play that music at the party
I know you watch that show.. yet when someone mentioned it in public you brushed it off.
Why? We all knew..

Why must you be a hater?
Because it's cool to hate?
Cool to hate someone that others like?

Just be honest with yourself and everyone else
Who cares if you like them?
You judge me for liking them... yet I bet they're still on your ipod.

You may not get the same reaction
Or have yourself feeling such emotions when you listen to them sing
But I do
So don't ruin it for the rest of us.
Just let us listen.

Random post but this has been playing on my mind.
x
chauie
'Haters, haters, snitch haters!' - Haters, Jay-Z ftg Kanye West

Imperfect

In my mother's eyes, I'm probably the worst daughter she could've asked for. It just seems like nothing I do is good enough for her. Every Saturday morning, it's almost a guarantee that I'll come downstairs to make a cup of tea and she'll be cleaning or something and she'll see me and start conversing but not in a great way. In the end, we usually end up yelling at each other.

So I made plans for today to go out with my girlfriends months in advance. I overbooked myself coz I had to service the car but I thought things would be fine coz my dad and brother would be home to go pick it up and so mum would be able to take care of our nephew. Turns out, my mum had a doctor's appointment which Dad would be driving her. Fail One. So I had to cancel the car appointment but it was no big loss coz I managed to get an appointment for next weekend.

To her, she saw it in a different perspective. The different where I was at fault for everything. It was my fault for organising to go out when I (apparently) knew that my sister was going to move houses on this particular day and leave her son for us to babysit. To go out with my girlfriends on a day that she apparently told us months ago that she was going for this doctor's appointment.

Bloody hell.

My mum has never been proud of me. At least that's how it feels. As long as I pass my units she's happy. She doesn't care about what I'm studying or how happy writing makes me feel. That's the big strain on our relationship I think. I remember when I received the email from Alex that Nike had saw my work and gave me props, I was over the moon and couldn't stop smiling all day.

That night, I offered to go pick her up from work and during the car ride home, I told her my good news. Her reaction left me feeling so deflated. She wasn't even happy that things were working out for me - finally! The first thing she said was, 'Does that mean they're going to offer you a job now?'.

I was just like 'huh?' It's not all about the money but for her, as much as she denies it, it seems like it is.

I'm sorry I did bad in during my final year exams at High-School but at least I made it to Uni.
I'm sorry I dropped out of Uni but at least I found a job six months later and I'm still at that job.
Albeit I am unhappy at that job but she will never know that.
(It's funny in a sense that at work, I don't talk about my family and at home, I don't talk about work. Shrugs. My friends know everything and that's the way I'd like to keep it.)

When I told her I was going back to school, she was happy. But when she found out what I was studying, she said this: 'Well that's not going to make you any money'. See, she reverted back to the money. Because of that, I chose to pay for the course myself. And I've done well so far, having already finished one year of it.

It's terrible to think that your own mother can't be supportive of your dreams but if that's how it is, then I just have to live with it.

I'm out. Gotta get ready for my day out with the girls.
Can't wait to get out of here.

x
chauie  

Smart is Sexy!

I wrote this a little while ago.. this week has been soo busy for me. I've been home late every day this week and there's work drinks on tomorrow... Shitt...

Anyhow, read the below and I hope you enjoy.

~
I caught him looking at me through his glasses today
I know that sounds odd but I saw him
Trying to look at me from the corner of his frames
Taking them off every so often
And looking directly at me from across the room

I like guys with their glasses on
Some guys just suit it, you know?

I couldn't look directly at him though
I didn't want him to catch me looking at him
Nor did I want to give him any ideas
But every time he looked at me
I could feel my face getting warm
The shy side comes out of me then and usually asks
'Why me?'

Even though time has passed
He still has me hooked
Just a little bit
And ever so slightly
I'm hanging by a thread
And I can't tell you reasons why
But I think he knows
Because we've gone back to the usual game we were playing
Of flirting and ignoring each other.
Looking for each other.

And whenever I see him smile... Don't get me started! ;)

Even when I hear him talk
And he's explaining a particular subject,
It kinda turns me on.
The fact that he's so smart.
So articulate in the information he's speaking about - if that is even possible.

Smart is sexy.

Besides the fact that he is cute, looks do fade
And the main thing you want at the end of the day
(Particularly when you're both old and grey)
Is someone that can carry a decent conversation
Whether it be funny or intellectual

Mmmm... care to disagree?


x
chauie

Lipstick

I wasn't even thinking of blogging tonight... I'm actually quite tired and sleepy..which is kind of suprising considering I haven't slept properly in the past month. Well maybe it hasn't been a month but it sure feels that long! Anyways like I said I wasn't going to blog tonight. I wasn't really in the mood to be perfectly honest but I just watched a chick flick that really just got me in the mood to write.

The movie was about courage and confidence. Survival of the fittest. Red lipstick.

I've never been able to wear red lipstick but I've always wanted to. Red lipstick to me is worn by women who are confident and apologies for quoting a beauty commercial here, but 'lovin' the skin you're in'. I haven't quite reached that stage yet.

Don't get me wrong, some days I'm confident and I feel nothing can bring me down. Other days I feel socially awkward and don't really want to talk to anyone. One day I hope to reach that stage where I'm not afraid of anything - particularly to wear the right shade of red lipstick. :)

I'm lying in bed right now, looking around my room and there's so many different personalities in here, that I don't know which aspect of this room represents my true personality.

My overflowing wardrobe represents my many moods and the clothing inside helps me to reflect my mood through my outfits everyday.
My beauty table with my bottles of products and make-up represents my experimental side where I've always wanted to try new looks and as I've never actually been taught how to apply make-up correctly, I'm usually standing in front of the mirror trying to mix up colours to get a look that doesn't have me looking like a clown!
My entertainment corner of my books, magazines and music represents my eclectic taste and everything I've ever loved about the three categories - the three subjects that got me writing in the first place. Believe it or not, I started out writing poetry when I was young and trying to turn them into songs but then I found out I didn't have the patience to learn a musical instrument and unfortunately I've been told I don't exactly have a great singing voice. Bin that idea.
My shoes are scattered but hidden either in their original shoe box or another pair's. I think this shows that I'm not really a shoe girl. I'd be happy with less than 5 pairs of shoes but unfortunately I do fall into the traps of a good sale or a new trend - if it's not too crazy!
My bedside table is everything that is what I love but is also a chaotic mess. Besides the usual items of the bedside lamp, my phone, lip balm and water, I also have a photo of my dad and I, a pile of stacked CD's, my sunnies, Berroca, red nail polish (not the same confidence I would project if the red were on my lips).. and a box of trinkets.

The doors of my wardrobe used to be the place. The place where I felt my personality shone through. The place I obtained my inspiration from my writing. 5 separate doors, 5 seperate sections all filled up with photos of friends and family. 3 doors filled with photos from high-school, friends I formed during the period between high-school and my second year of uni, and my uni friends. A few months ago, I realised that I hardly spoke to any of those people anymore and I stripped off all those photos.

There were hundreds of photos up there and trust me, they were a bitch to take off but one night after laying in bed for hours and not being able to sleep, just staring at those faces and those memories, I decided I just didn't want them anymore.

I took them all down, except for six:
The first is my nephew whom I love and am so proud to be his aunty - can't wait to hear him utter his first words!
The second is my best friend Dani and I at the beach looking calm and relaxed. She's the epitome of confience and beauty - yet she doesn't need red lipstick to represent that! Love love love her!
Third, a group photo of my main crew, the thirteen itches, and more on our first big end of year trip. It was a memorable occasion and some things shall never be repeated. ;) They say that you change your friends every seven years. I hope I stick with this particular group of individuals for as long as possible!
Fourth, my girlfriends and I at a music festival. It was raining but we are all so happy in that picture. It's so funny how we met and stuck to each other despite leaving behind the boys who introduced us to each other! I remember one time, we went out to eat and someone at the table asked us how we knew each other - the story was so complicated to explain, but it was funny just the same! We hardly get to see each other as our lives and schedules are all so different but it's a guarantee that we'll always have fun when we do!
Fifth, my two best mates from work - Kelly and Mikey. Despite not really knowing them until well after a year into my employment there, we've been there for each other through many things - deaths, engagements, new jobs, stressful days, drunken nights out, everything! I'm so glad to have them in my life and the truth of the matter is, I see them more than my own friends sometimes! Crazy!! It's crazy to think we're not sick of each other yet!
Last but not least, rounding it all up is a picture of my family and I at my sister's wedding almost 6 years ago. Despite all the shit that has happened... I know I'll always have a place to call home. Even though most of the time for me, there's miscommunication because of the language barrier between me and the parentals, they know that I'm trying. I'm just still waiting for that day to hear those words though... 

Anywho, I'm out for the night.
x
chauie   

My Heart On A Plate

Every Sunday, without a doubt, you'll find me in my bed, reading up and catching up on all my favourite blogs. Listening to the latest music, reading the newest reviews and discovering what my friends (and whoever else I've added to my favourites) have been getting up to during the week.

More often than not, I will end the weekend with a bunch of new music in my iTunes. And I would have come across something inspirational. Something that inspired me to speak the truth. Something that left me with a smile on my face or a tear in my eye.

Today I experienced just that.
Listening to the new music I acquired, I thought I'd share some deep, raw and honest thoughts with you right now:

Little bits of my heart have been broken over the past 23 years of my life. Not always because of love or my (false) idea of love. Sometimes because of betrayal through friendships. Other times the cause has been the broken trust between myself and someone I know. The emotion you feel when you hear someone talking about you or someone you know and care for when you're standing right there like it doesn't matter. Like you're invisible. The tears that fall down from my eyes and roll down my cheeks when I hear something that causes pain to my ears, my mind and my already fragile heart.


My heart has been broken so many times before. I feel stupid for allowing myself to give it away so easily. To let people break down my walls and touch my heart. At the time it just felt right. But most times I found out the hard way that it just wasn't the right thing to do. It wasn't the right person I should have opened up and shared my heart with.


After all the shit I went through during high-school, I wish I was a stronger person because of it. Learning from my mistakes and all that. Lately, I've been running into one of the girls who caused my final years of high-school a living hell and if I wasn't so self-conscious, I would have walked up and slapped her in the face already. At least that's how I imagined it would be. She wasn'the main cause of my pessimistic attitude after high-school but she was a supporter of the main girl who bullied her way through our senior years to cause me endless pain - more emotional than physical.


I don't cry about it so much now as I used to when I would tell friends what I'd been through. But seeing her lately (even at a distance) has just really made me feel really uneasy. 

How can anyone go on living life so carefree knowing that they've treated someone else like shit? 

High-school was all about the drama and trying to make ourselves more liked by everyone around us but now, we're almost reaching our mid-20s and although I still despise those girls and the things they did, I just want to move on - completely - and live an independent life - free of all things that bring me down. 

Here's a couple of quotes that had me wanting to write the above today.
I'm out.
x

'I heard your voice through a photograph. I thought it up, it brought up the past. Once you know you can never go back' - Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Strange Night

It's 2:20am and I'm still awake. Why? Nfi...
Was at a house party earlier tonight
And I was pretty drunk about two hours ago...
I don't know why I've all of a sudden sobered up..
Maybe the car ride home had something to do with it
Thinking about the whole night
And the events of the last week
The confusion... the heartbreak
The flirting... the potential
The awkwardness... the blast from the past

I just don't know what to do...
My mind is racing and maybe that's why I'm still awake
I wanted to talk to my best friend about it
And I think she knew I had stuff on my mind
But there was someone in the back seat...
Oh well.

It's been a strange night.
The even stranger thing is the nice guy formed a friendship and left with the bad guy.

My thoughts are all muddled up.
On the flipside, the guy who broke a little bit of my heart acted like nothing happened between us that night when we saw each other again.
I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Gonna try and sleep but I doubt it.
There goes my sleep again.
Out.
x

Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

Office Boy(friend)

As per my last post, the cute guy in the office has been sending me mixed signals... leaving me utterly confused!
Men...

Here we go.. **Written Monday morning**

Why does he confuse me so much?
Is he playing a game and expecting me to play along?
His mixed signals drive me crazy
Yet leave me wanting more
(Everyday) I see him
Some days I see him looking for me
Just the way I find myself looking for him
He made his move that first night
But I blamed it on the a-a-alcohol
Talk to me
Don't talk to me
Are we more than frriends?
Or just friends caught in a flirt fest?
I'm so confused

But I can admit that I think you're cute.
I just wish you would give me a sign.

A friend said you like me
But you're scared to make a move because of the extra baggage you're carrying.
I wish you'd just tell me something
Anything

I've been in this position before
And I really don't want to be going backwards in life
To find myself here again...

If you don't do or say something soon
Then unlucky for you, I'll be walking away.

Insomnia

A couple of posts tonight written from the past couple of days... they're self-explanatory so I'm not going to explain any further. Happy reading.

**Written Saturday morning**

Something's up
I haven't been able to get a proper night's sleep in over two weeks
Everyday I seem to be waking up before my alarm starts buzzing
And some nights I'm only averaging 4-5 hours of sleep no matter if I choose to sleep at 10pm or at my usual bedtime of midnight.. :(
Last Friday I managed to sleep 10 hours but I was tipsy creeping on drunk so I don't think that's the way to go about it.
I don't know what's going on with my body
My brother blames it on the excessive amount of red bull I always drink but I haven't had the need to drink any since my last weekend of major study.
My workmate suggested that maybe I was thinking about too much..
That I was excited about something
But the only thing that gets me excited these days is hearing from my editor
... And seeing that cute guy in my office..
And even that one, I'm not so sure about anymore
Coz his constant mixed signals are leaving me more and more confused as the days pass

Anyhow more on that later.
I'm out.
x

Thirteen Itches Volume II: Art Nouveau

On the flipside, my friends and I are releasing Volume II of our shirts tomorrow so for all you Sydneysiders, if you've got some spare cash, some spare time and want some free food whilst you're at it, head on down to Langley St at Darlinghurst and enjoy a Day of Mayhem.
Do it. You won't regret it. 

Peace.
x

Wise Advice

Drinks tonight was interesting. Surprising and crazy too.
So many people stayed back tonight
I guess everyone needed tonight to chill out after the busy week we had.
That's what End of Financial Year (EOFY) does to you.
I know... I've experienced it a couple times now.

We finished all the alcohol - the place was dry! That NEVER happens. Every Monday after drinks, we always have a crate full of alcohol stashed in the fridge or under the sink lol
My playlist of songs wasn't heard over the loud laughs and chatter of everyone and we ended up playing You Tube clips from someone's computer instead. Fail. Oh well

Afterwards though, a girl from my team and I sneaked away from the boys at the pub and caught the train home together and she gave me some really good advice. She hit the nail on the head with all the things she was saying about that particular boy who've I've been so fond of lately. 

I admitted I was confused by his actions as of late.. and I really did just need some straight advice.

When she got off at her stop, I felt both happy and sad... just mulling over everything that she said. Wise advice, definitely. 

Guess I'll have to see what happens at the next EOFY party which is next Friday.. haha... gonna be messy. I was crazy enough to challenge a guy double my size to drink with me - toe to toe.

Wish me luck.
x
chauie 
'If you have something to say, you should say it right now' - Unthinkable (I'm Ready) Remix, Alicia Keys ftg Drake

The Middle (Wo)Man

I didn't deserve that tonight
The attitude you gave me
It was uncalled for
You're a great mate
But just coz she's pissing you off
Doesn't mean you should be taking it out on me
I got you the job
A paid job
She's the client
You're the consultant
Work together to make the both of you happy
I'm just the middle (wo)man
Don't blame the messenger
I didn't relay her attitude
Who I must say was pretty nice about it
Compared to the way you were
If you're in a bad mood, leave that shit at home
You've got me all worked up
And it isn't even worth it.

You tried to make it better
Smooth it out so to speak
When I was leaving
But did you notice?  
That I didn't give you a hug like I usually do
When we should have as an excuse to keep each other warm
Against the freezing cold winter weather
But we didn't
I didn't even hi-five you
I just stuck my palm up and said bye
Plain and simple

Let's hope you're in a better mood this weekend.
Now I know I won't get a good night's rest
Shaking my head
My body is exhausted
I haven't had a proper night's sleep in almost two weeks
And now from what just happened moments ago
My mind is awake and reeling


Grr...

Out.
chauie

Finished!

Hey yo

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Was stressing out over my last week of study. Essays, exams, feature articles, presentations and a 3000-word report - all due over 10 days. If you were in my position, you'd be stressing out too!

Anyhow I'm back now :)
I finished my last class on Wednesday night and man, it felt good. I finally felt like I had achieved something. Granted, I still have another year to go considering I chose to continue with the Diploma, but I would still be content with finishing right now with the Certificate IV of Communications and Media.

I went to Uni back in the day but I dropped out. I was officially a "college drop-out" lol. That didn't matter to me. My parents were pretty peeved coz we spent so much money. But everything happens for a reason right? I mean it's not like my life spiralled out of control after that and I found myself doing nothing. I actually did have a little bit of a break but then I started applying for whatever job I could whereby a couple months later I found the job I'm currently at. That was almost 3 months ago. Crazy...

Anyhow... after realising my passion for writing was more than just writing for fun and actually wanting to write and get published, I applied for a short course with the Sydney Writer's Centre for 5 weeks. I didn't know how I'd feel being back in a classroom but because the class was mixed with different age groups, somehow it made it more comforting, merely for the thought that I wasn't the only mature-age person wanting to go back to study.

After that, I started looking into courses at other institutions. Funnily enough the first class for the Certificate was the week right after my short course finished. Talk about good timing.

I really feel like I've come a long way from the girl I was, say 5 years ago. My boss pointed it out to me a few months ago but I didn't take it in cause I didn't personally feel like I had reached that point yet. After that week of study though, I think I'm finally doing alright for myself. I hope I did as well this semester as I did last. Only time will tell now. Anxious!

Another surprising thing happened last weekend - in the midst of my stressing out, my best friend convinced me to come out to welcome home an old Uni mate - and I was able to catch up with a few people I hadn't seen in yonks. There was one friend, Tony, when I told him what I had been doing with my life since I saw him last - working, studying, and interning - he told me he was proud of me. That's something, isn't it?

Whenever you hear someone tell you they're proud of you for doing something that you don't think is a big deal it's pretty spesh. It kinda puts things in a fresh perspective. :)

I've also been doing some other thinking... This weekend I'm finally going to start letting go of my past. And the first step is to clean up my Facebook friend list. I can't believe I accepted "friend requests" from people who used to treat me like shit back in high-school and the days after "the best six years of your life" Bullshit!
They don't deserve my time nor do they need to know what I'm doing with my life - re: status updates.
If they really wanted to be my friends, they never would have used and abused me in the first place!

The thought crossed my mind the other day coz I saw a girl coming out of the train station near my workplace whom was part of the "popular" girls back in high-school. The girls bullied me for lots of reasons. One I'll share: the group consisted of eleven girls (me included) and one day decided they only wanted ten so they made up a rumour about me cheating in a major exam and decided they couldn't associate themselves with a cheater so they kicked me out. WTF?

What a load of shit.

By the way, that girl that I saw, she still looked like a bitch. Unapproachable and snobby.
I don't mind talking candidly about it coz it's the facts.

The reason for this sudden change? Not to sound corny, but I think my future is looking bright. Brighter than I could have ever predicted. Case in point: my editor at Acclaim magazine [the one I'm interning for] emailed me the other day and proposed a great opportunity! To write an article for the next issue!!! My dreams are finally coming true!

The catch? All I have to do is interview a Sydney hip hop duo called Horrowshow and basically chat to them, drink with them and take a few photos. She said that "it sounds a lot scarier than it is" haha

Let's hope I can do it. She's aiming to organise for the interview to happen next week! Woot woot!

On that feel-good note, I'm out.
Peace.
x
chauie
'It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life for me. And I'm feeling good' - Feeling Good, Muse

Throwback: 'It'

This is a piece I wrote during my years of Uni.. when I was still working at the family business (which is now mine). Sometimes I hate knowing Vietnamese but not being able to speak it (properly). There were so many times when I was working at that store, when I would have loved to throw back a smart or witty comment. Unfortunately, I didn't know or understand the correct context of certain words and so all I could do was sit there and listen.

Like this moment, back in August, 2006.
It sucks to realise that I still feel the same way now (sometimes) like the way I felt that night after the following happened:

"something happened today whilst working at the shop.
now i've never
really talked about this aloud but i guess after what happened earlier tonight
and all the emotions ive been feeling for the past few hours, i think it's time.
i shouldnt even be writing this blog entry
i should be doing / finishing
my uni work but i just gotta get this off my chest
so here goes:
everytime the story gets told about how
it happened, i just have that certain urge to cry.
i worked
at the shop tonight and an old friend of my mum's who knows the story came up to
me and asked to touch that part of my face.
there was a fellow customer
there standing on the side looking over at us with the expression 'wtf?' so my
mum's friend told this stranger the story.
all i could do was stand there
and listen to it being retold
she also mentioned that every time she sees
me, she yells at my mum for being so careless but it wasnt her fault.
even though i was way too young to know
anything, i was the stupid one.
it was my fault
and now,
because of my stupidity, i get looks and questions thrown my way about IT.
IT SUX - I WISH IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED BUT IT DID
AND UNFORTUNATELY I CANT CHANGE IT. "

There have been a lot of muddled thoughts in my head today. Though I really should be getting a wriggle on with my marketing assessment, I've spent the entire day thinking about me and what I truly want.
My life and what I want from it, specifically with work, family, writing...

x
chauie

A Night Out with the Girls..

So on the eve of this long weekend, where I should be doing more work than socialising, there was a girls night that was organised. I went to work confident that it was going to be a good day and night. And though I got the day part right, it was the night that let me down.

First off, the weather just added to my spirits. It was way too cold for any of us to be out but because it was the opening ceremony night of the soccer, we figured that the boys would be too busy watching it, that we HAD to take advantage of the rare night.

Surprise surprise, they came by anyway. Just at the very moment, we were gonna leave so that I could say hi and have a drink with a new 'friend'. You all know what I mean, I don't need to expand on that one.

Oh well. There's a little bit of regret in me for not going anyway when he first asked. When the challenge arised (just the one drink) and my best friend said to "go!" Although, I don't think she really realised what she was saying "go!" to... not at that specific moment.

Though the night was "wicked", no-one was completely plastered like we all planned to be.

Til next time ladies, when the other girls can join us for a proper night out.

Not motivated to do anything right now. In other news, I'm having second thoughts about my current studies. The place. Not the actual course. I shouldn't have been so impulsive!
x
chauie

He Looked Back

Last week, a guy who I once took a chance on came by my boss' desk to have a chat about a project she was helping him on. My desk is right next to hers and when it was time to leave, I saw him, out the corner of my eye... look back at me.

I wish he hadn't. I even slouched down in my seat purposely to avoid eye contact with him, but he still looked back. Ugh.

I hope this doesn't mean that he still has feelings for me. It happened so long ago... two years if my memory serves me right.

I gave him a chance and he screwed it up. Lying to his friends about the things we'd done. It was ONE drink and even that was torture. We had nothing in common.

All he could think to talk to me about was work - BORING!

And yet after that one drink, somehow he "fell in love" with me.

Someone pass me a bucket. NOW.  

Looking forward to the long weekend with a girls night tomorrow night to kick things off! :)

x
chauie

Adopted.

Sometimes I wish I was adopted.
My brother just straight out threatened me
All I did was make a smart comment but he didn't need to say what he said.
Twice

I'm always smart with him but we laugh it off.
This time it was... Scary.
He thinks he's so much better than everyone else because he's the breadwinner in our family

Honestly, who gives a fuck.

This is bullshit.

I really want to move out now.
Before, I wanted to quit my job because someone at work was pissing me off
Now I want to quit my job and live overseas and just never come back.

There's a new plan in line now:
Finish my degree, work my ass off to save a heap of cash and just move overseas.
Forget the family
Forget Sydney.
Just leave and go.

I'm out.
Too upset to write anymore although this is usually the best time for me to get my words out but tonight, I'm just going to lay in bed and cry a little while...
x
chauie
'It's all about the he says she says bullshit. I think you better quit, letting shit slip' - Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit

Fun and Dangerous

Last night I stayed back for Friday night work drinks.
The weather was horrible - stormy, cold and depressing - so no-one wanted to go outside and across the street to our local pub. So instead of all us being kicked out of our building at 6pm when the event officially ended, the ten of us that were left at the end, stayed, and didn't end up actually walking out of the building until almost eleven. Whoops.. hehe

I know this post may be contradictory to how I felt earlier this week but it was Friday and it was work drinks. The people who stayed were not the usual crowd and plus the beauty of it was that we didn't talk about work. We talked about everything but. And I wasn't with anyone from my team except for my boss whom is a totally different person after a few beers plus she left at around 9 after getting in trouble from her other half.

Being single, I'm glad that I wasn't getting any phone calls or texts from some guy asking me where I was. The plus side also was that the cute guy in my building was also there and when we proceeded downstairs to another level to continue our far-from-sober antics during the night, let's just say we both couldnt stop flirting with each other!

I don't know if anything will happen and I don't mind if it doesn't coz flirting can be pretty fun when it's reciprocated ;)

I'm kind of looking forward to Monday but not... hehe

It was a much-needed night (to have a drink or a few) after my rough week at work.
Very fun but perhaps dangerous...

I'm out.
Babysitting my nephew for the afternoon.
x
chauie

Do What Makes You Happy, Right?

Well guess what? I'm not happy.

I went to work today with a good attitude. I was ready to take on the day's challenges... sorta - I wasn't in a GREAT mood. lol
Anyways, I logged in and one thing after another started to go wrong.
With no sleep from the night before and my friend of the week visiting, I was on an all emotional high.
I don't know what happened.
One minute I was fine. The next minute, I found myself running to the bathroom and sitting in one of the stalls for half an hour crying my eyes out.

Dani called me after a text I sent and it really helped me calm down.
She pointed out all the right and wrong things happening in my life and I thank her for it.
After we hung up, I realised something:
I'm NOT HAPPY.

Every aspect of my life is good right now. Except for work.
I think this goes beyond the problem I previously had in the office.
My heart's just not in it anymore.
I used to enjoy going to work. Now I dread it.
I've been there for almost three years (crazy, I know!) ... geez that realisation just makes me more depressed.
The only thing really keeping me there is probably the money.
As shit as the job is, it's a full time job with a steady income.
If I leave, I will still keep in contact with the people that I care about.
Only the people I care about.
The others aren't worth my time.

My boss was in a meeting at the time I broke down (a good and bad thing) but I sent her an email before I left for home. Dani told me to lie and tell her I was sick and whilst it was a good idea at the time, I've always been honest with my boss so I told her the truth - in as little amount of words as possible because I just wanted to run out of that building.

My boss knows how I feel. How I've felt for the past year or so about working here.
It sucks but it's the truth.
I know she's gonna be hurt when she reads that email but sometimes I feel like it hurts me more to be working here.

Anyways, I'm outtie. Gotta finish this assessment due at midnight. Halfway there!
One red bull and too many dark chocolate tim tams consumed already but I'll let you know if I made the deadline.

x
Chauie
'One foot outside the door, I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure. Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more, Than all that I could give you than what you came here for' - Almost Doesn't Count, Brandy

Under the Pump

Things have been pretty stressful these past few weeks (minus Friday - read my previous post), particularly with school and work. It's crunch time with TAFE being that it's approaching the end of semester so I'm under the pump for getting all the assessments done in time and studying for exams. Crud! lol

I haven't even been out since (best friend) Dani came back. There was that one night with dinner and lame music at a used-to-be-cool club but I've seriously haven't been out and about. Every Friday night, I've gone home to study (or try to anyway). One family event last weekend but I had to go to that. If I didn't, my head would have been chopped off. Okay, maybe a little too drastic there, but if I didn't show up to my grandma's 86th, my mum would have gotten told off which in turn would have me getting told off. Just a string of problems I wanted to avoid.

But getting in the mood to study and work has not been going well. I keep getting distracted.. lol
Truth is, procrastination is a bad bad thing haha

Work is still the same. I have all these plans to do something but then I ask someone for advice and somehow they talk me out of it! Gr! Why??!!!

Because of the pressure of work and school, my regular blogging posts have diminished. For the past couple of weeks, I've only managed to send (editor of Acclaim) Alex one or two pieces, compared to my usual 2-3 a week. Not a good sign coz writing is what makes me happy. It's my comfort zone but the fact that my efforts are slipping because of other shit on my plate is not a good sign.

Anyways, I've just finished my Marketing notes for my exam tomorrow (!).. now to see what else is on my "To-Do" list... 'write a feature article'. Yay! Writing. Maybe this article will put my mood back into good spirits. Now what shall I write about?

Peace.
x
chauie
'Isn't life under the sun just a crazy dream? Isn't life just a mirage of the world before the world? Why am I here and not over there? Where did time begin? Where does space begin? Where do you and I begin?' - The Stillness Is The Move (Dirty Projectors Cover), Solang Knowles

I Haven't Disappeared... Just M.I.A

For the first time this week, I was feeling it today - confident, that is.
This week (and last actually), has been such a drag that I just havent wanted to get out of bed.
Work has dragged on but of course nothing has really picked up
The situation I've found myself in many times with that one particular person.
Not sure what I can do...

Class has been good though
I've probably mentioned this on a previous post but one of my teachers had asked me to do the Diploma next semester and on Monday I finally gave him an answer and said "Yes" :)
Also on Monday, though only 5 people showed up to class (they're dropping like flies), the five of us actually scored an advantage to our upcoming exam next week coz the teacher basically told us what was in the test! My teacher is funny coz he doesn't want to fail anyone. I learnt that last semester so when he decided to have a lesson based entirely on revision, I'd knew I'd be getting the 'insider' tips.

Today I was really feeling it and even though I slept in so much that I missed two trains, I love the outfit I managed to pull together in ten minutes. I don't have a camera on me but picture this: black jeans, black biker boots, oversized denim shirt, skinny navy scarf and black leather jacket. :)

I felt so confident I even flirted a bit with that cute guy that's in my building... He probably didn't know it but I got a smile out of him :) I'm so bad at flirting haha Oh well!

But it was a good day and even though I didn't have plans to go out tonight (nor did I want to), the hours in between from waking up right up to this very moment of me typing whilst in bed was pretty blissful. Food, gossip, cake, morning and afternoon tea, compliments, eye contact, smiles - it's all good.

I'm outtie.
x
chauie
'Always act like you're wearing an invisible crown' - Unknown

The Way He Makes Me Feel

I wrote this last night on the train on the way home from class. Almost got a little teary too just thinking about it all. The subject. The words that were coming out. This is the truth right here. Words I probably have never spoken aloud before about this particular person. I won't reveal who but if he ever happens to read this, then he should know who he is. I just don't think he realises how he makes me feel.
Again, my thoughts are scattered and probably repetitive throughout this piece but I didn't want to cross out anything... This is purely a rant. Seeing him earlier in the evening sparked these words..

~
I can't seem to escape events and places where I used to go alone.
I now see him joining in... to everything. What happened?
Things were so much better when I didn't see his face.
Today I stepped off the train and as I was walking up the escalator, I saw him walking out of his carriage. It wasn't what I needed. Not in my current state of mind.
I don't want to see him.
(Obviously avoiding him didn't work since he keeps showing up)
What else do I need to do to give him a sign?
I hate the way he makes me feel after every conversation we have
Stupid
And not good enough
Every time we talk, his tone and actions show a different side of him
I can't stand the way he makes me feel after the exchange of words between one another - whether it be a lot or a litte
He reminds me of someone else... Someone who I have not spoken one word to in the last six months
(It could happen to him)
People like that don't deserve my time, yet they keep showing up
(My) Emotions run on high whenever we chat
I don't dare cry in front of him but because of the way he makes me feel
I can't help but let my emotions run wild

Stupid
Not good enough
The two characteristics/words that are often repeating in my head when we talk.
Before, during but especially afterwards.
He makes me lose all confidence in myself simply because of the way he talks to me that I'm often left in the sense of feeling that he thinks he's better.
Better than me.
Better than you.
Better than everyone we both know

I don't know why I ever... (finish this sentence)

He makes me want to scream.
He makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry myself to sleep, hoping to never see his face again
(Don't worry, I didn't do that last night but he txted me this morning - there's no escape!)

I'm scarred emotionally and because of my past, sometimes I feel I'm physically scarred too. (With my past coming back to haunt me) They often both link with one another.

~

I don't really want to post this because I know the questions will come from the few friends that read this blog but I need to let it out.
Thank goodness for my day off today.

x
chauie

'How come, how long, its not right, it's so wrong. Do we let it just go on? Turn our backs and carry on. Wake up, for it's too late' - How Come, How Long by Babyface & Stevie Wonder

All Over The Place (April Update)

This post is going to be ... exactly what the title reads, so forgive me if you are confused by the end of it all. Just imagine living through it.

My mind has been mixed of thoughts, emotions, feelings, words and moods - particularly within the past month. April wasn't exactly a great month for me.

I came to a lot of realisations - in particular, with friends, family, the opposite sex and myself.

Usually ending with this topic, I'm gonna flip it and start off with it, because surprisingly, I don't have much to say on them this time around so here we go:

The Opposite Sex
I was recently seeing someone but it turned sour when I realised we both wanted different things. It sucks coz I was really starting to like him too.. Oh well.
The worst part is, I turned to alcohol afterwards and I realised that wallowing when alcohol is involved is a very, very bad idea. :(

Needless to say, I haven't drank very much since that night.

As for anyone else? No thanks. At least not for a little while longer.
I will admit though that going on dates had my heart beating a lil' faster than usual and I really enjoyed those moments... But those moments are over now.

Family
Arguments. Arguments. Arguments.
Every few days, there's a screaming match going on it seems in my household.
It's literally a war of words.
Because of this, my brothers and I want to move out.
I, for one, can't afford it at the moment but one brother is looking to work overseas and the other is going to open houses and auctions every weekend hoping to purchase a piece of property.
All of this just to avoid the words conversed between one another. Words conversed in negative tones.
Other than that, my nephew keeps a smile on my face each time I see him :)

Life

My brother said it perfectly the other night and I've never actually thought about it like that before but it's like I'm working 4 jobs - the office, class, Acclaim and thirteen itches. Maybe that's why I've been so tired. Every weekend, all I wanna do is SLEEP. Do nothing but sit at home and be a couch potato... (much like I'm doing right now on my day off).

No chores. No assignments. Nothing.

Kind of a bad thing but after all the things I've had on my plate lately, there's not much I wanna do... or have time for.

Work
The office in North Sydney is the same as it was since I had that all important review with my Manager, but it seems like within those last few weeks, no action has really been taken even though I've voiced my feelings over several weeks many times.
I was talking to my close friend/sometimes therapist the other night and we both discussed the option of going to someone in a higher position.
Don't get me wrong, my manager is cool and she's been really supportive with my past problems, but it doesn't seem like she's followed through with this latest problem which is kinda bad in my opinion, or really bad coz it's THIS problem that may lead me to quitting this job sooner than we both realize...

Acclaim

Things have been a little slow the past few weeks - only coz the Melbourne team were working towards getting their latest issue out which is fine. I still sent over my 2-3 weekly blogs but didn't hear all that much feedback/assignments from my editor.
Once the new issue was out though - with my name mentioned as an intern (woot woot!) - I emailed my editor and I told her my thoughts on it and she came back and gave me what I needed to hear - her appreciation of my work thus far on the blog. And as a token of appreciation, she said she'd be sending me a present. Score!
Don't worry, I will be posting a photo of that present right here on this blog when I receive it :)

thirteen itches
It seems like everything is progressing at the moment. Volume II is coming out (realistically) at the end of this month and we're already thinking up ideas for Volume III. I'm kinda excited. I know I haven't put much of an input into the project as much I'd like to lately but I know the guys understand and that's all I really need to know right now.
Managed to go to a meeting last night without feeling guilty (coz I had no class) and though it was a very very short meeting, it was still good to be there and get involved.

Friends

This was a big realisation that I had last month of which the thought came to me when I realised that my current group of friends are so much better than any other group of friends I've ever had. Before I met these particular individuals - each and every one of them - I was a social butterfly. I had little groups of friends everywhere. I was the girl that wanted to be liked by everyone basically.
I wanted that approval. Kind of almost needed it in a sense - in high-school, especially. And even though I was with those 'friends' for a good 6 years or more, I never felt loved by one entire group. At the time, it seemed 'love' was just a word you threw around.
Now I don't really care and I'm actually fine with letting a friendship go. (Much like my previous post)
The guys and girls I'm hanging out and kickin' with now really know me (even thought it's been far less than six years). They know who I am. They know what I want in life. They know what I aspire to be and they're willing to help and support me til I get there.
They accept me.
Through all the tears, attitudes or whatever, everyone makes the effort to work it out with one another in order to keep the friendship tight.
Now isn't that what it's supposed to be all about? (Cue: Aaawwww!!!) :P

x

chauie
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now' - Airplanes Pt 2, B.O.B ftg Hayley Williams and Eminem

Think Again...

It's so strange the vibe between us two
There's something you have to know though
Despite what he may or may not have told you about me
About what happened
Whatever it was that did happen between us,
It ruined the friendship between he and I
And now because you're in his picture,
It's going to put a big strain on our friendship
As much as I thought we could have became close friends
We can't now and possibly never will
Even if something were to happen
Harsh? Possibly
But I'm being honest and voicing my opinion
And whilst you may not know about it or read this blog
Your friends do
And one day, you'll figure it out.

But last night should have been a big hint for you when I could hardly say two words to you
And neither could the other guy who probably knows exactly how I feel but doesn't want to express it as loudly as I do on this blog.

See you in another life.
P.S. Your boyfriend woke me up this morning on my day off.

chauie
'We're at the crossroads my dear, where do we go from here?' - Where Do We Go From Here, Alicia Keys

It's A Sign!

On Tuesday, after the long weekend, I unwillingly went back to work only to find out that my account had expired.
I couldn't do anything for two hours!

Was someone giving me a sign that I was not meant to be there?
Not just that particular day, but at work - at all?

If only I could afford to quit and just write...

That's all.
chauie

Realisation

I had a crazy day yesterday.
Some people just cease to amaze me in regards to the lengths of actions they'll take to avoid doing something that is 'hard'.
I admit I procrastinate a lot so it may take me a couple days to really face something challenging but if it has to be done that day, then ill do it.
Yesterday that girl started a new role within the team and an error occurred in the system.
Suck shit right? Figure out how to fix it.
Instead, she gets another guy in the team (whose last day is tomorrow by the way) to call up people to chase it up and find out what's wrong so that she can do whatever else was on her to-do list.
Poor guy and what a bitch.
It gets better though.
By lunch time, the system wasn't fixed and after no-one paying attention to her, she feigned sickness after eating something dodgy and goes home, leaving the rest of the team to do her dirty work.
Gr..
After all this though and class last night (yes, it was a long day!), I've realised something:
Do what you love.
Concentrate on people and projects that deserve your time.
That's all that really should matter.

Peace,
x
chauie
'Don't want to see you hear you, be anywhere near you, you probably think I'm threatened by you but your illusionary power doesn't threaten me. Actually I think it's kind of funny that you create an illusion that is a mirror, I don't appreciate you and I know that that surprises you' - Special Ones, George

Stalker?

What an interesting night.
Do you think I still fancy you?
In someway or another
Coz the both of you were quite guarded
Saying hello was so awkward
Kiss on the cheek or high-five?
You obviously couldn't decide
But I wonder if it was because she was right there..?
And even when you did lean in, her actions showed that she was protecting you
From what?
Me?
Listen here mate, I'm over you.
Sometimes I feel as though I hate you.
I know that hate is a strong word but when I think back on the past (and I know I shouldn't)
The reality is you treated me like shit
And I didn't deserve it
So I think I have the right to feel some hate towards you

I found it even funnier when you had to leave and you were telling everyone where you were going
Yet when you said goodbye to me, you simply said you had to be "somewhere"
Like you were scared of telling me the details..
What are you afraid of?
Did you think I was going to follow you and stalk you?
Get over yourself mate.
I could think of a million things better to do with my time
Like going home!

As for her, we talked last night...
And I was sober so I remember the whole conversation
I don't really care what's going on anymore
I just hope she's careful and that you don't treat her the way you treated me.

Out.
chauie
'Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running. A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you. More than you, more than you know' - Daughtry, Over You

Catch Up?

We were meant to catch up the other night
Her and I
But I don't know if I could have faced her
Alone.
After what happened..
But then it didn't go ahead
And I knew, in a sense, because of what he said
But I thought I'd ask anyway, playing dumb and all
He told us you both were going on a date
Even if neither of you want to admit that you're together
We all know already
It was pretty obvious to all whom were there
Now it's just time for the announcement - will it be her or him who speaks

Despite all that, I had a fabolous night
Finally chopped off my hair, then met up with a girlfriend for dinner and a glass of wine.

I really hope things take a turn now.
One for the positive
One that is in the present (love you Ann!)

Sleepy now,
x
chauie
"To change I must first wholly accept the present moment. This moment, as it is, is perfect." - TDL

Mute.

I wrote this Tuesday night on the train on the way home from work and after a long day of trying to de-stress my mind and thoughts.

Silence.
I feel so mute at the moment.
My heart is beating twice as usual but not because I'm excited.
Moreso stressed than anything else.
Today I felt like I was swimming against the tide
It felt almost like I was drowning
Within the waters
Which instead of the ocean was a mountain of paperwork.
No matter how much I tried to get done, my to-do pile was not diminishing
I've told my manager what's been going on
The causes of my stress
Or rather the one person who contributes a large amount to my stress
Conveniently that person is on leave at the moment
I've spoken to my manager about how I feel but it seems I've just left her with a bunch of words stringed together into sentences because no action has been taken.
Yet.
Maybe when she comes back from leave.
Maybe.
But I doubt it.

Peace yo
x
chauie

The Truth Came Out..

So Friday night, my friends and I went out with the intention of getting our friend "hammered"..
I didn't think that things would take a bad turn and I would be the one smashed!

I guess it was just an emotional day all-round what with what had happened at work earlier that day (check out my previous post) and then seeing someone turn up with her friends but getting completely snobbed by her. Instead, she made a beeline for the boy she's with now and was just hanging all over him everytime I saw her.

I think that's what made me throw in the towel. It was all too much.
Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...

I guess I thought that being with my friends and having a good night out would pick up my mood but no - it didn't. It kind of worsened when it hit me what was happening.
The things I was seeing all around me.
I started to feel alone and unhappy again.

The truth came out when I was in the ladies with a couple of girlfriends...
I didn't mean it to and although I keep telling myself and others I'm okay, when the truth came out, it completely revealed that I'm not. :(

Needless to say, my drunken state had me leaving early whilst the others kicked on til the early hours and whilst I did receive txts and missed calls from those who truly care about me the next day, my mind was not in the mood to talk. I couldn't even eat or sleep it off for a good portion of the entire day.
Maybe it was the hangover but I think it was something deeper...

x
chauie
'Here's where I stand, Here's who I am. Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be. Here's who I am, I'm what you see. You said I had to change and I was trying, But my heart was lying' - Here's Where I Stand, Tiffany Taylor

Some people turn into bitches...

And some people are just born bitches!

So what's goin on?

Today at work the same girl who almost had me quitting my job a few weeks ago, hit another nerve in me...

A couple of things that she's done this week:
1. She had a task and logged a help task for me, so me and my manager worked out an answer that afternoon and so we were ready to push it back to her. Next day she calls in sick so I had to do that part of the task for her. And then today I push it back to her and apparently she "called the adviser but he didnt pick up" so I told her to pend the task for Monday and so she was like "oh... but will you know what to say? coz I wont be here"

Isn't it fucking convenient that she just happens to be on Annual Leave next week?
Man that girl is so lazy! She will do anything to get out of doing extra work or avoid conflict.
So now as the only other equally skilled person in the team, I have to take on her extra work as well as trying to complete my own! .. And you wonder why I broke down at work last month...

Like I said... fucking bitch!

And then about an hour ago,
2. Me and my workmate next to me were talking about a task and I was asking him for help just quietly. She sits about 3m away and all of a sudden she's coming over to offer her opinion on what I should do - which was wrong anyway! I know she was trying to help, but she was getting it all wrong!!!

It's one thing to listen in on a private conversation, but if you don't know what we are, or you yourself, are talking about, then please just shut up!

That girl honestly makes me pull my hair out and want to get drunk so I can just forget it all.
Sometimes, she makes me wanna take a gun and... either shoot her or shoot myself so I no longer have to deal with her.

Funnily enough, I'm cutting my hair on Thursday and going out for drinks with friends tonight.

Almost time to leave the office.
Enjoy the weekend!

x
chauie
'Man, I told you, you know, if I find her, I really, I, I mean, I'll kill her, for real!' - I'll Kill Her, SoKo

A Simple Question...

Due to family commitments this past (long) weekend, I didn't see any of my friends.
I probably could have met up with a few of them on a couple of the nights, but I chose not to.

Tonight I realised something:
hardly anyone ever asks how I am anymore.
Just me.
Not my work.
Not Acclaim
or any other writing projects I have on...

Is it that hard to ask such a simple question: 'How are you?' or 'How have you been?'

I don't get it.

On a sort of relevant note, I've started to clean out my Facebook friend list.

I'm starting to get tired of it.
All of it.

Out.
chauie
'You see the thing of it, Is we deserve respect. But we can't demand respect without change. There comes a time when we must go our own way' - Let It Flow, Toni Braxton

Interesting Advice

Last night went to my cousin's wedding and it was AWESOME! Always great to get together with the cousins, drink, eat and reminisce about all the old times. Though there was a moment in the night that would be best forgotten, the majority of the night was great, thus proving that our family can't get any better. I would have added bigger to that statement also but there's already another bun in the oven! :P

Anyhow, had a moment to catch-up and chat with my sister-in-law and she gave me some interesting advice. Words that I actually wanted to hear. Wise words about being an independent woman and whatnot. With the way I've been feeling lately, these certain words of encouragement and empowerment were just the right push that I needed and when I went back to my table, it made me feel like I hadn't made any mistakes or regrets with the decisions I've made in the past... let's say, few weeks.

Especially with the opposite sex.

So I want to thank her and I'm glad she told me what life is really like for her, despite all the ups and downs.
Love you sis!

Got an early morning tomorrow - even though it's Easter Monday and I should be taking full advantage of this extra day off - but I have some important family stuff to attend to.

Happy Easter yo!
chauie
'So let me on down, Cause time has made me strong. I'm starting to move on. I'm gonna say this now, Your chance has come and gone' - Too Little Too Late, JoJo

Muddled, Grey Thoughts

The days in Sydney have been grey lately
And my mood has unfortunately matched its hue
Some days I just feel alone.
And on those days I want to blame you
Not alone, in the sense of having a partner
But alone in the world
Days when I feel no-one understands
No-one is reaching for my hand
Telling me all will be okay..

Sometimes I wonder why
I am this way
Quiet, shy, secretive
Independent
But I still care about what other people think
I don't know why I still do
Well actually I do: it was all because of my horrific experience in high-school

After I left and found myself reflecting upon it, I realised that all girls are catty bitches looking for drama and a piece of gossip and all guys are jerks who just want to date every girl who walks onto the basketball court.

I don't talk to anyone from High-School anymore coz I realised they all treated me like shit.
It was really hard for me to let people in after that.
It still is.
That's why I'm so quiet when I meet someone new.
I just tend to keep to myself.
You can call it shy
I call it careful:
not wanting to make the same mistake twice.
not wanting to get burnt again...

x
chauie
'Is anyone out there willing to listen. I'm kind of worried about the world that we live in. It's time to stand up but everyone's sitting' - Am I All Alone, Suai

Matchy Matchy

I'm on the train

And saw a couple walking past at one of the stops

Both dressed up in matching sneakers

My question is,

Why do couples feel the need to do it?

I know that being in a relationship, you both influence each other's style and whatnot, but do you both have to match your outfit from head to toe?

(And trust me, I've seen a couple doing that before)

Isn't the act of holding hands enough of a sign that you're 'together'?
Guess not, if they feel they have to go one (unnecessary) step further and buying matchy matchy clothes together!

Quite sad in my opinion.
Pass me a bucket please.

x
chauie

Existence

I was sitting in class earlier tonight and I started having second thoughts about it all.
But I think it went further than just me not wanting to be in class.
It was more about whether I should be here at all.

My existence.

Would it really matter to anyone if I was here or not?
If I disappeared for a week, how long would it take you to realise that I was missing?
If I shut off my phone and left my emails unread, what would happen?
What would you do?
Would you know if I had gone into hiding?

I don't see a lot of people on a regular basis. I have 300+ friends on Facebook and I see maybe 10% of them on a weekly basis. I reckon I could go on living life for about a month and end up only seeing 10 and that's only because of the people I work with.

But for some 'friends', though they say they'll keep in touch, there have hardly been any signs o that being true: no missed calls, no emails, no txt msgs.. not even a comment on my wall to say 'Hi'...

Next week, I'm on a two-week break from class and I've decided to really re-assess my life.
Taking the advice of my workmate, I'm going to re-assess the 'friends' I have too.

It feels like it's time for a change.

Chopping my hair off.
Re-assessing my life.
Organising my home-life.
Re-assessing my friends.
Changing my attitude.

I hope doing these abovementioned things will push me and give me an extra dose of much-needed confidence.
I went to a workshop at work today and leaving this particular session, left me with three key things that I needed to do. One of which was: "LEARN TO SAY NO!"

I'm out.
x
chauie
'I don't go with yesterday no more (Ooh). Now I'm feeling free (I'm feeling free). Today tomorrow told me (What it say?). That's where I should be (That's where I should be)' - T.O.N.Y, Solange Knowles