Haters!

Sometimes I hate that act that you put on
Talking like you don't like something or someone
But I know the truth
I saw you play that music at the party
I know you watch that show.. yet when someone mentioned it in public you brushed it off.
Why? We all knew..

Why must you be a hater?
Because it's cool to hate?
Cool to hate someone that others like?

Just be honest with yourself and everyone else
Who cares if you like them?
You judge me for liking them... yet I bet they're still on your ipod.

You may not get the same reaction
Or have yourself feeling such emotions when you listen to them sing
But I do
So don't ruin it for the rest of us.
Just let us listen.

Random post but this has been playing on my mind.
x
chauie
'Haters, haters, snitch haters!' - Haters, Jay-Z ftg Kanye West

Imperfect

In my mother's eyes, I'm probably the worst daughter she could've asked for. It just seems like nothing I do is good enough for her. Every Saturday morning, it's almost a guarantee that I'll come downstairs to make a cup of tea and she'll be cleaning or something and she'll see me and start conversing but not in a great way. In the end, we usually end up yelling at each other.

So I made plans for today to go out with my girlfriends months in advance. I overbooked myself coz I had to service the car but I thought things would be fine coz my dad and brother would be home to go pick it up and so mum would be able to take care of our nephew. Turns out, my mum had a doctor's appointment which Dad would be driving her. Fail One. So I had to cancel the car appointment but it was no big loss coz I managed to get an appointment for next weekend.

To her, she saw it in a different perspective. The different where I was at fault for everything. It was my fault for organising to go out when I (apparently) knew that my sister was going to move houses on this particular day and leave her son for us to babysit. To go out with my girlfriends on a day that she apparently told us months ago that she was going for this doctor's appointment.

Bloody hell.

My mum has never been proud of me. At least that's how it feels. As long as I pass my units she's happy. She doesn't care about what I'm studying or how happy writing makes me feel. That's the big strain on our relationship I think. I remember when I received the email from Alex that Nike had saw my work and gave me props, I was over the moon and couldn't stop smiling all day.

That night, I offered to go pick her up from work and during the car ride home, I told her my good news. Her reaction left me feeling so deflated. She wasn't even happy that things were working out for me - finally! The first thing she said was, 'Does that mean they're going to offer you a job now?'.

I was just like 'huh?' It's not all about the money but for her, as much as she denies it, it seems like it is.

I'm sorry I did bad in during my final year exams at High-School but at least I made it to Uni.
I'm sorry I dropped out of Uni but at least I found a job six months later and I'm still at that job.
Albeit I am unhappy at that job but she will never know that.
(It's funny in a sense that at work, I don't talk about my family and at home, I don't talk about work. Shrugs. My friends know everything and that's the way I'd like to keep it.)

When I told her I was going back to school, she was happy. But when she found out what I was studying, she said this: 'Well that's not going to make you any money'. See, she reverted back to the money. Because of that, I chose to pay for the course myself. And I've done well so far, having already finished one year of it.

It's terrible to think that your own mother can't be supportive of your dreams but if that's how it is, then I just have to live with it.

I'm out. Gotta get ready for my day out with the girls.
Can't wait to get out of here.

x
chauie  

Smart is Sexy!

I wrote this a little while ago.. this week has been soo busy for me. I've been home late every day this week and there's work drinks on tomorrow... Shitt...

Anyhow, read the below and I hope you enjoy.

~
I caught him looking at me through his glasses today
I know that sounds odd but I saw him
Trying to look at me from the corner of his frames
Taking them off every so often
And looking directly at me from across the room

I like guys with their glasses on
Some guys just suit it, you know?

I couldn't look directly at him though
I didn't want him to catch me looking at him
Nor did I want to give him any ideas
But every time he looked at me
I could feel my face getting warm
The shy side comes out of me then and usually asks
'Why me?'

Even though time has passed
He still has me hooked
Just a little bit
And ever so slightly
I'm hanging by a thread
And I can't tell you reasons why
But I think he knows
Because we've gone back to the usual game we were playing
Of flirting and ignoring each other.
Looking for each other.

And whenever I see him smile... Don't get me started! ;)

Even when I hear him talk
And he's explaining a particular subject,
It kinda turns me on.
The fact that he's so smart.
So articulate in the information he's speaking about - if that is even possible.

Smart is sexy.

Besides the fact that he is cute, looks do fade
And the main thing you want at the end of the day
(Particularly when you're both old and grey)
Is someone that can carry a decent conversation
Whether it be funny or intellectual

Mmmm... care to disagree?


x
chauie

Lipstick

I wasn't even thinking of blogging tonight... I'm actually quite tired and sleepy..which is kind of suprising considering I haven't slept properly in the past month. Well maybe it hasn't been a month but it sure feels that long! Anyways like I said I wasn't going to blog tonight. I wasn't really in the mood to be perfectly honest but I just watched a chick flick that really just got me in the mood to write.

The movie was about courage and confidence. Survival of the fittest. Red lipstick.

I've never been able to wear red lipstick but I've always wanted to. Red lipstick to me is worn by women who are confident and apologies for quoting a beauty commercial here, but 'lovin' the skin you're in'. I haven't quite reached that stage yet.

Don't get me wrong, some days I'm confident and I feel nothing can bring me down. Other days I feel socially awkward and don't really want to talk to anyone. One day I hope to reach that stage where I'm not afraid of anything - particularly to wear the right shade of red lipstick. :)

I'm lying in bed right now, looking around my room and there's so many different personalities in here, that I don't know which aspect of this room represents my true personality.

My overflowing wardrobe represents my many moods and the clothing inside helps me to reflect my mood through my outfits everyday.
My beauty table with my bottles of products and make-up represents my experimental side where I've always wanted to try new looks and as I've never actually been taught how to apply make-up correctly, I'm usually standing in front of the mirror trying to mix up colours to get a look that doesn't have me looking like a clown!
My entertainment corner of my books, magazines and music represents my eclectic taste and everything I've ever loved about the three categories - the three subjects that got me writing in the first place. Believe it or not, I started out writing poetry when I was young and trying to turn them into songs but then I found out I didn't have the patience to learn a musical instrument and unfortunately I've been told I don't exactly have a great singing voice. Bin that idea.
My shoes are scattered but hidden either in their original shoe box or another pair's. I think this shows that I'm not really a shoe girl. I'd be happy with less than 5 pairs of shoes but unfortunately I do fall into the traps of a good sale or a new trend - if it's not too crazy!
My bedside table is everything that is what I love but is also a chaotic mess. Besides the usual items of the bedside lamp, my phone, lip balm and water, I also have a photo of my dad and I, a pile of stacked CD's, my sunnies, Berroca, red nail polish (not the same confidence I would project if the red were on my lips).. and a box of trinkets.

The doors of my wardrobe used to be the place. The place where I felt my personality shone through. The place I obtained my inspiration from my writing. 5 separate doors, 5 seperate sections all filled up with photos of friends and family. 3 doors filled with photos from high-school, friends I formed during the period between high-school and my second year of uni, and my uni friends. A few months ago, I realised that I hardly spoke to any of those people anymore and I stripped off all those photos.

There were hundreds of photos up there and trust me, they were a bitch to take off but one night after laying in bed for hours and not being able to sleep, just staring at those faces and those memories, I decided I just didn't want them anymore.

I took them all down, except for six:
The first is my nephew whom I love and am so proud to be his aunty - can't wait to hear him utter his first words!
The second is my best friend Dani and I at the beach looking calm and relaxed. She's the epitome of confience and beauty - yet she doesn't need red lipstick to represent that! Love love love her!
Third, a group photo of my main crew, the thirteen itches, and more on our first big end of year trip. It was a memorable occasion and some things shall never be repeated. ;) They say that you change your friends every seven years. I hope I stick with this particular group of individuals for as long as possible!
Fourth, my girlfriends and I at a music festival. It was raining but we are all so happy in that picture. It's so funny how we met and stuck to each other despite leaving behind the boys who introduced us to each other! I remember one time, we went out to eat and someone at the table asked us how we knew each other - the story was so complicated to explain, but it was funny just the same! We hardly get to see each other as our lives and schedules are all so different but it's a guarantee that we'll always have fun when we do!
Fifth, my two best mates from work - Kelly and Mikey. Despite not really knowing them until well after a year into my employment there, we've been there for each other through many things - deaths, engagements, new jobs, stressful days, drunken nights out, everything! I'm so glad to have them in my life and the truth of the matter is, I see them more than my own friends sometimes! Crazy!! It's crazy to think we're not sick of each other yet!
Last but not least, rounding it all up is a picture of my family and I at my sister's wedding almost 6 years ago. Despite all the shit that has happened... I know I'll always have a place to call home. Even though most of the time for me, there's miscommunication because of the language barrier between me and the parentals, they know that I'm trying. I'm just still waiting for that day to hear those words though... 

Anywho, I'm out for the night.
x
chauie   

My Heart On A Plate

Every Sunday, without a doubt, you'll find me in my bed, reading up and catching up on all my favourite blogs. Listening to the latest music, reading the newest reviews and discovering what my friends (and whoever else I've added to my favourites) have been getting up to during the week.

More often than not, I will end the weekend with a bunch of new music in my iTunes. And I would have come across something inspirational. Something that inspired me to speak the truth. Something that left me with a smile on my face or a tear in my eye.

Today I experienced just that.
Listening to the new music I acquired, I thought I'd share some deep, raw and honest thoughts with you right now:

Little bits of my heart have been broken over the past 23 years of my life. Not always because of love or my (false) idea of love. Sometimes because of betrayal through friendships. Other times the cause has been the broken trust between myself and someone I know. The emotion you feel when you hear someone talking about you or someone you know and care for when you're standing right there like it doesn't matter. Like you're invisible. The tears that fall down from my eyes and roll down my cheeks when I hear something that causes pain to my ears, my mind and my already fragile heart.


My heart has been broken so many times before. I feel stupid for allowing myself to give it away so easily. To let people break down my walls and touch my heart. At the time it just felt right. But most times I found out the hard way that it just wasn't the right thing to do. It wasn't the right person I should have opened up and shared my heart with.


After all the shit I went through during high-school, I wish I was a stronger person because of it. Learning from my mistakes and all that. Lately, I've been running into one of the girls who caused my final years of high-school a living hell and if I wasn't so self-conscious, I would have walked up and slapped her in the face already. At least that's how I imagined it would be. She wasn'the main cause of my pessimistic attitude after high-school but she was a supporter of the main girl who bullied her way through our senior years to cause me endless pain - more emotional than physical.


I don't cry about it so much now as I used to when I would tell friends what I'd been through. But seeing her lately (even at a distance) has just really made me feel really uneasy. 

How can anyone go on living life so carefree knowing that they've treated someone else like shit? 

High-school was all about the drama and trying to make ourselves more liked by everyone around us but now, we're almost reaching our mid-20s and although I still despise those girls and the things they did, I just want to move on - completely - and live an independent life - free of all things that bring me down. 

Here's a couple of quotes that had me wanting to write the above today.
I'm out.
x

'I heard your voice through a photograph. I thought it up, it brought up the past. Once you know you can never go back' - Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Strange Night

It's 2:20am and I'm still awake. Why? Nfi...
Was at a house party earlier tonight
And I was pretty drunk about two hours ago...
I don't know why I've all of a sudden sobered up..
Maybe the car ride home had something to do with it
Thinking about the whole night
And the events of the last week
The confusion... the heartbreak
The flirting... the potential
The awkwardness... the blast from the past

I just don't know what to do...
My mind is racing and maybe that's why I'm still awake
I wanted to talk to my best friend about it
And I think she knew I had stuff on my mind
But there was someone in the back seat...
Oh well.

It's been a strange night.
The even stranger thing is the nice guy formed a friendship and left with the bad guy.

My thoughts are all muddled up.
On the flipside, the guy who broke a little bit of my heart acted like nothing happened between us that night when we saw each other again.
I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Gonna try and sleep but I doubt it.
There goes my sleep again.
Out.
x

Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

Office Boy(friend)

As per my last post, the cute guy in the office has been sending me mixed signals... leaving me utterly confused!
Men...

Here we go.. **Written Monday morning**

Why does he confuse me so much?
Is he playing a game and expecting me to play along?
His mixed signals drive me crazy
Yet leave me wanting more
(Everyday) I see him
Some days I see him looking for me
Just the way I find myself looking for him
He made his move that first night
But I blamed it on the a-a-alcohol
Talk to me
Don't talk to me
Are we more than frriends?
Or just friends caught in a flirt fest?
I'm so confused

But I can admit that I think you're cute.
I just wish you would give me a sign.

A friend said you like me
But you're scared to make a move because of the extra baggage you're carrying.
I wish you'd just tell me something
Anything

I've been in this position before
And I really don't want to be going backwards in life
To find myself here again...

If you don't do or say something soon
Then unlucky for you, I'll be walking away.

Insomnia

A couple of posts tonight written from the past couple of days... they're self-explanatory so I'm not going to explain any further. Happy reading.

**Written Saturday morning**

Something's up
I haven't been able to get a proper night's sleep in over two weeks
Everyday I seem to be waking up before my alarm starts buzzing
And some nights I'm only averaging 4-5 hours of sleep no matter if I choose to sleep at 10pm or at my usual bedtime of midnight.. :(
Last Friday I managed to sleep 10 hours but I was tipsy creeping on drunk so I don't think that's the way to go about it.
I don't know what's going on with my body
My brother blames it on the excessive amount of red bull I always drink but I haven't had the need to drink any since my last weekend of major study.
My workmate suggested that maybe I was thinking about too much..
That I was excited about something
But the only thing that gets me excited these days is hearing from my editor
... And seeing that cute guy in my office..
And even that one, I'm not so sure about anymore
Coz his constant mixed signals are leaving me more and more confused as the days pass

Anyhow more on that later.
I'm out.
x

Thirteen Itches Volume II: Art Nouveau

On the flipside, my friends and I are releasing Volume II of our shirts tomorrow so for all you Sydneysiders, if you've got some spare cash, some spare time and want some free food whilst you're at it, head on down to Langley St at Darlinghurst and enjoy a Day of Mayhem.
Do it. You won't regret it. 

Peace.
x

Wise Advice

Drinks tonight was interesting. Surprising and crazy too.
So many people stayed back tonight
I guess everyone needed tonight to chill out after the busy week we had.
That's what End of Financial Year (EOFY) does to you.
I know... I've experienced it a couple times now.

We finished all the alcohol - the place was dry! That NEVER happens. Every Monday after drinks, we always have a crate full of alcohol stashed in the fridge or under the sink lol
My playlist of songs wasn't heard over the loud laughs and chatter of everyone and we ended up playing You Tube clips from someone's computer instead. Fail. Oh well

Afterwards though, a girl from my team and I sneaked away from the boys at the pub and caught the train home together and she gave me some really good advice. She hit the nail on the head with all the things she was saying about that particular boy who've I've been so fond of lately. 

I admitted I was confused by his actions as of late.. and I really did just need some straight advice.

When she got off at her stop, I felt both happy and sad... just mulling over everything that she said. Wise advice, definitely. 

Guess I'll have to see what happens at the next EOFY party which is next Friday.. haha... gonna be messy. I was crazy enough to challenge a guy double my size to drink with me - toe to toe.

Wish me luck.
x
chauie 
'If you have something to say, you should say it right now' - Unthinkable (I'm Ready) Remix, Alicia Keys ftg Drake

The Middle (Wo)Man

I didn't deserve that tonight
The attitude you gave me
It was uncalled for
You're a great mate
But just coz she's pissing you off
Doesn't mean you should be taking it out on me
I got you the job
A paid job
She's the client
You're the consultant
Work together to make the both of you happy
I'm just the middle (wo)man
Don't blame the messenger
I didn't relay her attitude
Who I must say was pretty nice about it
Compared to the way you were
If you're in a bad mood, leave that shit at home
You've got me all worked up
And it isn't even worth it.

You tried to make it better
Smooth it out so to speak
When I was leaving
But did you notice?  
That I didn't give you a hug like I usually do
When we should have as an excuse to keep each other warm
Against the freezing cold winter weather
But we didn't
I didn't even hi-five you
I just stuck my palm up and said bye
Plain and simple

Let's hope you're in a better mood this weekend.
Now I know I won't get a good night's rest
Shaking my head
My body is exhausted
I haven't had a proper night's sleep in almost two weeks
And now from what just happened moments ago
My mind is awake and reeling


Grr...

Out.
chauie