Attraction

My friend is right
Although I can't have you
The way I (used to) think I could
The attraction will always be there
The smiles
The jokes
The winking
You'll always know how to bring me out of a crazy mood
Well (at least) I know that you're the answer
But you might not lol
At least it'll keep the mystery going between us

Still,
I like this place we're in:
Just friends
For the first time, I'm okay with not crossing the line with you

x
C

My Heart On A Plate

Every Sunday, without a doubt, you'll find me in my bed, reading up and catching up on all my favourite blogs. Listening to the latest music, reading the newest reviews and discovering what my friends (and whoever else I've added to my favourites) have been getting up to during the week.

More often than not, I will end the weekend with a bunch of new music in my iTunes. And I would have come across something inspirational. Something that inspired me to speak the truth. Something that left me with a smile on my face or a tear in my eye.

Today I experienced just that.
Listening to the new music I acquired, I thought I'd share some deep, raw and honest thoughts with you right now:

Little bits of my heart have been broken over the past 23 years of my life. Not always because of love or my (false) idea of love. Sometimes because of betrayal through friendships. Other times the cause has been the broken trust between myself and someone I know. The emotion you feel when you hear someone talking about you or someone you know and care for when you're standing right there like it doesn't matter. Like you're invisible. The tears that fall down from my eyes and roll down my cheeks when I hear something that causes pain to my ears, my mind and my already fragile heart.


My heart has been broken so many times before. I feel stupid for allowing myself to give it away so easily. To let people break down my walls and touch my heart. At the time it just felt right. But most times I found out the hard way that it just wasn't the right thing to do. It wasn't the right person I should have opened up and shared my heart with.


After all the shit I went through during high-school, I wish I was a stronger person because of it. Learning from my mistakes and all that. Lately, I've been running into one of the girls who caused my final years of high-school a living hell and if I wasn't so self-conscious, I would have walked up and slapped her in the face already. At least that's how I imagined it would be. She wasn'the main cause of my pessimistic attitude after high-school but she was a supporter of the main girl who bullied her way through our senior years to cause me endless pain - more emotional than physical.


I don't cry about it so much now as I used to when I would tell friends what I'd been through. But seeing her lately (even at a distance) has just really made me feel really uneasy. 

How can anyone go on living life so carefree knowing that they've treated someone else like shit? 

High-school was all about the drama and trying to make ourselves more liked by everyone around us but now, we're almost reaching our mid-20s and although I still despise those girls and the things they did, I just want to move on - completely - and live an independent life - free of all things that bring me down. 

Here's a couple of quotes that had me wanting to write the above today.
I'm out.
x

'I heard your voice through a photograph. I thought it up, it brought up the past. Once you know you can never go back' - Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

The Way He Makes Me Feel

I wrote this last night on the train on the way home from class. Almost got a little teary too just thinking about it all. The subject. The words that were coming out. This is the truth right here. Words I probably have never spoken aloud before about this particular person. I won't reveal who but if he ever happens to read this, then he should know who he is. I just don't think he realises how he makes me feel.
Again, my thoughts are scattered and probably repetitive throughout this piece but I didn't want to cross out anything... This is purely a rant. Seeing him earlier in the evening sparked these words..

~
I can't seem to escape events and places where I used to go alone.
I now see him joining in... to everything. What happened?
Things were so much better when I didn't see his face.
Today I stepped off the train and as I was walking up the escalator, I saw him walking out of his carriage. It wasn't what I needed. Not in my current state of mind.
I don't want to see him.
(Obviously avoiding him didn't work since he keeps showing up)
What else do I need to do to give him a sign?
I hate the way he makes me feel after every conversation we have
Stupid
And not good enough
Every time we talk, his tone and actions show a different side of him
I can't stand the way he makes me feel after the exchange of words between one another - whether it be a lot or a litte
He reminds me of someone else... Someone who I have not spoken one word to in the last six months
(It could happen to him)
People like that don't deserve my time, yet they keep showing up
(My) Emotions run on high whenever we chat
I don't dare cry in front of him but because of the way he makes me feel
I can't help but let my emotions run wild

Stupid
Not good enough
The two characteristics/words that are often repeating in my head when we talk.
Before, during but especially afterwards.
He makes me lose all confidence in myself simply because of the way he talks to me that I'm often left in the sense of feeling that he thinks he's better.
Better than me.
Better than you.
Better than everyone we both know

I don't know why I ever... (finish this sentence)

He makes me want to scream.
He makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry myself to sleep, hoping to never see his face again
(Don't worry, I didn't do that last night but he txted me this morning - there's no escape!)

I'm scarred emotionally and because of my past, sometimes I feel I'm physically scarred too. (With my past coming back to haunt me) They often both link with one another.

~

I don't really want to post this because I know the questions will come from the few friends that read this blog but I need to let it out.
Thank goodness for my day off today.

x
chauie

'How come, how long, its not right, it's so wrong. Do we let it just go on? Turn our backs and carry on. Wake up, for it's too late' - How Come, How Long by Babyface & Stevie Wonder

Stalker?

What an interesting night.
Do you think I still fancy you?
In someway or another
Coz the both of you were quite guarded
Saying hello was so awkward
Kiss on the cheek or high-five?
You obviously couldn't decide
But I wonder if it was because she was right there..?
And even when you did lean in, her actions showed that she was protecting you
From what?
Me?
Listen here mate, I'm over you.
Sometimes I feel as though I hate you.
I know that hate is a strong word but when I think back on the past (and I know I shouldn't)
The reality is you treated me like shit
And I didn't deserve it
So I think I have the right to feel some hate towards you

I found it even funnier when you had to leave and you were telling everyone where you were going
Yet when you said goodbye to me, you simply said you had to be "somewhere"
Like you were scared of telling me the details..
What are you afraid of?
Did you think I was going to follow you and stalk you?
Get over yourself mate.
I could think of a million things better to do with my time
Like going home!

As for her, we talked last night...
And I was sober so I remember the whole conversation
I don't really care what's going on anymore
I just hope she's careful and that you don't treat her the way you treated me.

Out.
chauie
'Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running. A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you. More than you, more than you know' - Daughtry, Over You

Matchy Matchy

I'm on the train

And saw a couple walking past at one of the stops

Both dressed up in matching sneakers

My question is,

Why do couples feel the need to do it?

I know that being in a relationship, you both influence each other's style and whatnot, but do you both have to match your outfit from head to toe?

(And trust me, I've seen a couple doing that before)

Isn't the act of holding hands enough of a sign that you're 'together'?
Guess not, if they feel they have to go one (unnecessary) step further and buying matchy matchy clothes together!

Quite sad in my opinion.
Pass me a bucket please.

x
chauie

Don't Hate The Player...

Hate the game!

I really do hate playing games.
These certain games that guys and girls play to get each other's attention.
It's sad in a sense
That we have to think about each move we take next.
And someone always seems to get hurt
When the wrong move is made.
But who's to say it is wrong?
Emotions just keep getting played with
Roll the dice..
And find out how you're gonna feel next

If you read my blog often, you'll know that there's a guy who has recently entered my life, but with the mixed messages he kept sending me, I was often left confused.

I was sick of feeling this way
And didn't want to be lead on... again.
Coz there have been way too many times that I've experienced being in that position
So I took matters into my own hands and told him straight up:
"I don't like playing games"

So far, so good - I haven't heard from him since.

x
chauie
'And you keep on playing games. Like you know I'm here to stay. I gotta shake it off' - Shake It Off, Mariah Carey

My Status

Everyone is all coupled up.
Whether it be with their partner, a friend or family.
Everyone is in twos.
If this were happening to me last week, I probably would have walked away by now feeling a little depressed, but this week, I've found myself thinking in a new perspective - especially when it comes to love.
I've always been unlucky in love and I always used to care.
About my relationship status and what other people thought when I told them I was unattached. Especially with friends.
Some don't care.
Others feel the need to push me to every random cute and single boy they see.
It can get quite frustrating at times and though most times, you'll find me playing along..
Deep down, I wasn't happy with what was happening.
The situations and conversations I would find myself in...
I can't even find the words to describe the way I was feeling within those moments but it was far more than awkward.
I think I'm feeling this way, at this point in time, because of a certain boy who's recently entered my life.
But as bad as it sounds, his actions have had me running away rather than into his arms..

Just you wait though - knowing me, my mood will switch up again next week.
Til then.

Peace yo.
x
chauie

Melbourne Boy

Met with a guy in Melbourne on a night out
And though we've met before
Briefly last time I was in town
This time we got to know each other better
And it was time spent in an intimate setting
The chemistry between us was crazy
He literally sent shivers through me
Each time he spoke to me... and his breath hit my skin,
My body felt goosebumps
I don't know if it was the exciting vibe of the night
The alcohol that was flowing
Or the things he said and the way he looked at me
But each time we were in conversation, the chemistry just kept rising - that was one thing I knew for sure.

The funny thing is, he is the opposite of what I'm usually attracted to...

x
chauie

The Result of Too Much Wine

So sometime last month, I was catching up with an old friend over too many glasses of wine at the hotel she was staying at and we were talking about everything from our careers to family, friends and of course the opposite sex. For some reason, that topic always gets saved for last hehe ;)

The weekend after she left and went back to her interstate home, she emailed me and confessed that at one point of the night, I had left the room to take a call or gone to the bathroom or something and so she decided to have some fun and so jumped on my Facebook and, well for those of you who have a Facebook account, you'd know that often Facebook suggests which people you should befriend because you have "mutual friends"... (How convenient that she decided to confess after she left Sydney!)

Well she added a whole bunch of random boys that she thought was cute coz she, like everyone else in my life, thinks i've been single long enough. As if Facebook is the perfect way to start LOL

Anyways... she didnt know who she added or how I could get rid of the requests... but after I got angry at her, I googled it and I sent out a mass message to all these "pending friend requests" kinda telling them about my friend, how she was under the influence and that they could ignore the request, but if they wanted to add me, then that that was fine and that I'm not a crazy lunatic hehe

So one guy added me and I randomly sent him a Facebook msg saying thanks and asked a simple question - breaking the ice so to speak - coz let's face it, I was feeling bad for not making an effort to get to know him. I didn't expect a reply back but surprisingly when I logged on today, he had replied and needless to say, a small smile appeared on my face.

Also wanna give a quick shoutout to two good friends on their engagement! Keeping my lips sealed on their names as they haven't announced it yet hehe :0)

x
chauie

The Friend Zone

She likes you
And I'm not talking about me
But even if I were to tell you
You'd think I was crazy
It's pretty obvious
By the words that she speaks
I'm sure she wants more
When she kisses your cheeks
It doesn't seem like you're doing much
When you're working together
But I'm sure you talk about lots of things
Other than the weather
I've seen the photos
I've seen the look on her face
I bet she was wishing
She was in your embrace
But you're so clueless
And she can't tell you a thing
Coz she's scared of your reaction
And doesn't wanna end up as a fling

I kinda lied earlier when I said it wasn't me
But only when I meant she's not alone, she's not the only one
And now I'm scared
To let my feelings become undone
I've had my eye on you for awhile now
But you never would have known
Coz I analyse my moves too much
For fear I'll end up in the friend zone
I haven't seen you since that last time
And I hate the feeling of not being aware
Do you like me or do you not?
To ask this question, I do not dare
Coz I am scared
Of what may become
I'll be biting my nails
Waiting for the outcome
Coz what if your answer is my worst nightmare
What will happen then?
I guess all I really wanna know is
When will be the next time that I'll see you again?
Coz it's been way too long
Since the last time we locked eyes
I wish I had answered you back
That night when you said hi
But I walked away for a second
Hoping you'd still be there when I got back
But you weren't in the place where you once were sitting
And I was left in a room that was almost pitch black

I was inspired to write in this format after watching too many Def Jam Poetry clips online - anyways I hope you like it. Sorry for the length - I was in my element :)
Peace yo!
chauie
'From the day I saw you, I really really want to catch your eye. There's something special 'bout you. I must really like you, Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time' - You Don't Know My Name, Alicia Keys

January Update

I haven't really been blogging in regards to updates as of late and so I decided to do one (or two) on a monthly basis just so I can drone on and on hehe. Sure the poems are a little insight into my life but they're more cryptic versions... pieces with no names mentioned, which is the way I like them. :)

So I thought I'd have this post and possibly the next one be a little more of the detailed updates - not of the poetry kind.

First off things are really taking off for me. 2010 is the year where I wanted to apply for an internship to get my writing career kick-started and whatnot (It was one of my goals for 2010). Like I said previously, the TAFE marks that I received were awesome and I feel like they were just the thing I needed to give me that push for me to keep doing what I'm doing. Like it was a sign for me to take that next step in achieving my dream, as corny as that sounds...

Last night I went to a farewell for my best friend, a close girlfriend and another mate and instead of all the sad stories and reminiscing, we all took it as a time to catch up and quickly say what we wanted to say until the time we would see each other again.

I admit there were tears when I gave my close girlfriend a card with what I wanted to say to her. I've never been one to say words out loud, in a sense, and the affect that what was written on the card had on her was exactly what I wanted - needless to say there were a little bit of tears and a few hugs. Gonna miss you my dear and will never forget how we first met :) I know you're coming back but that'll be a while yet. xx

My best friend is leaving sooner than ever and I probably didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked to but we caught up and I know she's coming back before I realise how quickly the time has passed. I swear, if she was leaving indefinitely, I probably would have cried a puddle of tears last night but she's going on a big adventure in the next few months and a well-deserved holiday at that! Love you D. xx

As if our group didn't have only a few girls already... now two more are leaving. Boo!

Okay enough of sad news... onto the good!

So like I said at the beginning, I feel like 2010 is going to be my year, career-wise that is, and the past 2-3 weeks has already proven that to me. First off, I talked to my manager about wanting to apply for an internship this year and I wanted to get her thoughts on that. My manager and I are pretty close as far as work relationships go and I'm so glad I received the approval from her to 'go for it'. She knows that I want to move on from my current role and she expects it. Actually, she expected me to move on a while ago hehe

So good news #1.

#2: This may have been a big sign but when I walked out of that meeting (with my manager), I received an email from [Melbourne magazine] Acclaim - it was one of their weekly newsletters - and the content within it was that they were looking for interns! I was a little hesitant in applying coz the internship would be in Melbourne and if I were to get it I would have to figure out a whole bunch of things - i.e flights, leave, accomodation, etc.

I talked to one of my good mates asking for advice and he said to just go for it so I thought it over myself and decided to take the advice of him and my manager and applied.

#3: Got home and received my TAFE marks for the last semester, which if you guys read my blog often, you'll know what I got. Otherwise refer to previous post - 'Results'.

#4: A few days later, I received an email from Mariam, Digital Editor for Universal Music Australia, and I totally forgot that I had randomly applied for this role and well basically her news was that she was happy to have me on as a reviewer for one of their sister sites. This gig is unpaid but in exchange I get free CDs (on a fortnightly basis) and hopefully and eventually, concert tickets. Fingers crossed!

#5: The week after, I received an email from [sub-editor of Acclaim] Alex, letting me know that whilst they couldn't offer me the internship because of the whole location thing, she suggested that I write for the site/blog instead! I was stoked! Even if the role is unpaid, for the moment, the more important thing to me is getting the experience and the exposure. Check out my pieces at www.acclaimmag.com and look out for the BY line hehe :0)

This has been my first week at writing for Acclaim and I'm loving it. At the farewell last night, I had all my friends telling me how proud they were of me! Soo happy! Ah it feels so good to be loved hehe which kind of contradicts what that fortune teller told me last weekend...

Well I'm gonna end this post right here but dont worry, my next update will be about that fortune teller haha

Enjoy the weekend!
Peace yo.
x
chauie

Far More Than Awkward

I saw you last weekend
And the feeling I had when I saw you
Was far more than awkward
I could barely look you in the eye
And in a sense I wanna apologise for it.
For my behaviour that night.
I avoided you at all costs afterwards

What we did
Was a one-time thing
That's what I wanted you to know
But I think I just needed to tell myself too
Not because the temptation was there
Cause trust me, it wasn't.

But moreso because I'm always like this
I avoid the boy in question
If I ever have to see him... again.

x
chauie
'I told myself that I would make some changes. But the more I change there's one thing that remains the same...' - Bad Habit, Destiny's Child

Icing On The Cake

Walking away and leaving me alone
Was the best thing you ever did
Not hugging you goodbye was the icing on the cake

Hopefully time will not pass by too quickly
Until you come back
And I have to see your face again
I want to get used to the feeling
Of not having to see you
Everywhere I go

I want to reach that level of comfort
That feeling of being able to appreciate
The feeling when you're not here
When I no longer want to reach out a hand to touch yours
The feeling where I no longer look forward to your hugs
The feeling when I see you and feel nothing.

I've felt it in the past when you really upset me
And now that you're gone
I hope to experience it again.

Please don't hurry back.

Peace,
chauie

'Shame on you, if you fool me once. Shame on me if you fool me twice' - Life Goes On, LeAnn Rimes

Not Here Right Now

The more I look at you
The uglier you appear to me
Not only on the outside
But within yourself too
I know what you're like
I know who you are now
And I no longer feel the need
To be apart of your life
To know what's going on
And what you're doing
You can tell me if you want
But that doesn't necessarily mean I'll be listening...
I can't believe you're trying to get with her
After what happened with me
It makes you appear like an idiot
After all that's happened
I can't believe you would disregard my feelings
And the consequences of your actions
Whatever
I'm glad you're not here right now.

Peace.
x
chauie

'Since there's no more you and me. It's time I let you go So I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you. Yes I will' - Better In Time, Leona Lewis

The Odd One Out

It's two days before 2010 and I'm anxious to find out what the year has in store for me.
I turned 23 (approximately) two weeks ago and it seems like things are already taking a positive turn for me.
Since the night of my birthday dinner, it's like I've woken up even more in a sense.
I have a handful of personal goals that I'd like to acheive by 31 Dec 2010.
But even if I only achieved one of those goals and complete it whole-heartedly, I'd be happy.

2009 was the year thay begun the search of being my own person...
I stood up against my parents and told them what I wanted.
After 22 years, they had to know me by now right?
Sometimes that statement feels like the exact opposite.
But as much as my family want me to be like them in life, share the same attributes and whatnot, for the first time I don't mind being the odd one out.
I don't mind not being the one that doesn't fit in.
I don't mind being misunderstood.

I've felt the feeling of it for years now but now I feel I can finally accept it.
I know my opinions and thoughts have always been different to those of my family members and relatives and at this moment, I'm honestly okay with it.

Peace and love,
chauie

Embarrassed (I Wish)

Is it bad that I still think about you?
Since that night
When only two words were exchanged
Between us?

I wish you were still there
When I turned around

I wish I was the girl that turns heads
Whenever she walked into a room

I wish I was confident enough
To say more than just (that) one word to you

I wish I could walk right up to you
And strike up a conversation
Ask you questions
Get to know you

I wish our mutual friend
Knew how I felt and would lend a helping hand

Despite all these wishes though
There's only one that I really want you to know
One in which I hope one day
We can make come true
And simply that wish is:

"I wish that you knew how I felt about you"

The way you looked at me
Made me feel as though I was worth looking at
And I hope to find someone one day
Who looks at me
Just the way you did
(Til then, I might just give up altogether..)

You looked my way
And I held your gaze
But I felt embarrassed after a little while
And that had me turning away

I wish I had kept looking...


x
chauie
You've got this look I can't describe, You make me feel like I'm alive' - Like A Star, Corinne Bailey Rae

Exploded Photography by Adam Voorhes

The latest works of Adam Voorhes is positively mind-blowing. Literally.

The abovementioned description of Voorhes' work sounds nearly impossibly on paper but when looking at his latest series, Exploding Photography, it is very easy to change your mind.

Ever wondered what you would see if you pulled apart a pistol, an etch-a-sketch, a telephone, or even a frog?

Voorhes has done just that by capturing the dissection of each subject to its most basic elements, and through a great eye and a lot of spare time, has photographed what many are calling a "celebration of deconstruction".

Adam Voorhes is a photographer and an artist but more importantly, he is a creator. Voorhes has the skill to look at an ordinary object and project it to appear incredibly beautiful.

Imagine just the thought process behind coming up with an idea like this.

Amazing and mind-numbing!

*Pictures courtesy of Walyou

I'm Not Interested

Last night I celebrated my twenty-third birthday and despite all the constant teasing and questioning, a wave of relief went through me,
when seeing who showed up to dinner and not seeing him.

I'm glad that last night he did not show up
the boy from Saturday

The constant questioning will not get my friends anywhere
to say "I'm not interested" does not get taken lightly around here

Gayfish

And now there's someone else who's come back into my life
Five years on
Someone whom I haven't seen
I dont know who he is...
Anymore

What if i bring him back into my life
But something happens?

Good or bad,
I think it is a big risk

It seems as though he is chasing me,
Five years on
As compared to me,
chasing him
Five years back...

But the more i think about it
The less i want it to happen

Because of this, my friend says I'm a strange cookie.
What do you think?

In a contemplative mood,
chauie
'Don't ask for more, coz what you're searching for, you won't find at my door' - Don't Ask For More, Abby Dobson

Beneath Those Clouds..

last night turned out to be pretty crazy
celebrating the night away
of a girl turning twenty-three
a girl whose night lived up to the hype
and everyone's expectations...
thank goodness!

she consumed a lot of drinks,
did some dancing,
got a shout out from the dj/mc
received a birthday kiss...

but when she woke up this morning
through the cloudiness of her mind
and alcohol still in her system,
beneath those clouds
she found herself thinking about someone
who wasn't there last night
but she sure as hell wishes he was.

x
chauie
'Just want you to know, You had me at hello' - Hello, Beyonce