Some people turn into bitches...

And some people are just born bitches!

So what's goin on?

Today at work the same girl who almost had me quitting my job a few weeks ago, hit another nerve in me...

A couple of things that she's done this week:
1. She had a task and logged a help task for me, so me and my manager worked out an answer that afternoon and so we were ready to push it back to her. Next day she calls in sick so I had to do that part of the task for her. And then today I push it back to her and apparently she "called the adviser but he didnt pick up" so I told her to pend the task for Monday and so she was like "oh... but will you know what to say? coz I wont be here"

Isn't it fucking convenient that she just happens to be on Annual Leave next week?
Man that girl is so lazy! She will do anything to get out of doing extra work or avoid conflict.
So now as the only other equally skilled person in the team, I have to take on her extra work as well as trying to complete my own! .. And you wonder why I broke down at work last month...

Like I said... fucking bitch!

And then about an hour ago,
2. Me and my workmate next to me were talking about a task and I was asking him for help just quietly. She sits about 3m away and all of a sudden she's coming over to offer her opinion on what I should do - which was wrong anyway! I know she was trying to help, but she was getting it all wrong!!!

It's one thing to listen in on a private conversation, but if you don't know what we are, or you yourself, are talking about, then please just shut up!

That girl honestly makes me pull my hair out and want to get drunk so I can just forget it all.
Sometimes, she makes me wanna take a gun and... either shoot her or shoot myself so I no longer have to deal with her.

Funnily enough, I'm cutting my hair on Thursday and going out for drinks with friends tonight.

Almost time to leave the office.
Enjoy the weekend!

x
chauie
'Man, I told you, you know, if I find her, I really, I, I mean, I'll kill her, for real!' - I'll Kill Her, SoKo

Work and Stuff.

Yesterday I had my quarterly review with my manager and I told her exactly how I was feeling.

How I've been feeling.

Basically I lay out all the cards on the table.

Of course, this lead to a little breakdown but I'm okay now. Well today anyway.

It was just good to finally get things off my chest about all the pressure and the workload and whilst sometimes it's my fault - taking on more than i can handle and such - for the most part, it's other people.

Ugh. Someone get me another job please.

x
chauie

My Status

Everyone is all coupled up.
Whether it be with their partner, a friend or family.
Everyone is in twos.
If this were happening to me last week, I probably would have walked away by now feeling a little depressed, but this week, I've found myself thinking in a new perspective - especially when it comes to love.
I've always been unlucky in love and I always used to care.
About my relationship status and what other people thought when I told them I was unattached. Especially with friends.
Some don't care.
Others feel the need to push me to every random cute and single boy they see.
It can get quite frustrating at times and though most times, you'll find me playing along..
Deep down, I wasn't happy with what was happening.
The situations and conversations I would find myself in...
I can't even find the words to describe the way I was feeling within those moments but it was far more than awkward.
I think I'm feeling this way, at this point in time, because of a certain boy who's recently entered my life.
But as bad as it sounds, his actions have had me running away rather than into his arms..

Just you wait though - knowing me, my mood will switch up again next week.
Til then.

Peace yo.
x
chauie

Here's A Crazy Thought..

Went to a meeting today with the rest of the team and we watched a video at the end - it was supposed to motivate us to provide better customer service to our clients and stuff like that - but the main message I got from it was that you need to be working in a place that makes you happy and makes you wanna get out of bed every morning.

I went to back to my desk thinking with the feeling that the video affected me in the opposite way it would have affected the rest of my team.

I'm not happy at my current job.

You'd think after being there for years, things would be all gravy, but no.

Everyone acts supportive but when you look underneath, they all just kind of wanna bring you down. It's a bit fucked up.

All I could think about all day was turning up tomorrow and saying this:

On that note, I'm out.
chauie

Paranoid

Why are people so nosey?
Why are they so paranoid?

I was having a conversation with my manager about the work that we do and when I returned to my desk, I received an instant message from one of my co-workers asking if we were talking about him?

I'm the youngest in my team and I've never seen a collective of people so concerned about the ongoing conversations.
I'm 23 and 80% of my team are over the age of thirty.

I admit, my team has a few gossipers but somehow it's not alright if they hear, or think they hear, people talking about them.
Sad, isn't it?

People talk.
If they have an opinion, they'll express it.
You can't control what is spoken.
You can't choose whether it's positive or negative.

I'm over this workplace.
More now than ever!

Ah.. it's only midday. Still got five hours left to survive here. Joy.

Peace yo.
chauie
'Why are you so paranoid? Don't be so paranoid. Don't be so....Baby don't worry about it. Lady don't even think about it. You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things' - Paranoid, Kanye West

Every Little Detail

You're such a lazy person
Not to mention nosey too
Must you know every little detail
Of what's happening in my life?
Must you always look into my bag
To see what is in there?
There is a line to our friendship
And you've been crossing it over the past few days
Way too many times.

I particularly don't like when
You come to me for help
And although I've already given you the answer
(Which you obviously already know)
You still tend to linger around
And invade my personal space
Just for a few minutes
But I know it's only coz you're avoiding something
Avoiding having to go back to your work
To do something the rest of us actually do - work!


...my little vent for the day...
chauie
'And maybe, i just don't wanna be like you. And maybe I just don't wanna know, How low you're ready to go' - You Don't Mean Anything, Simple Plan

The Odd One Out

It's two days before 2010 and I'm anxious to find out what the year has in store for me.
I turned 23 (approximately) two weeks ago and it seems like things are already taking a positive turn for me.
Since the night of my birthday dinner, it's like I've woken up even more in a sense.
I have a handful of personal goals that I'd like to acheive by 31 Dec 2010.
But even if I only achieved one of those goals and complete it whole-heartedly, I'd be happy.

2009 was the year thay begun the search of being my own person...
I stood up against my parents and told them what I wanted.
After 22 years, they had to know me by now right?
Sometimes that statement feels like the exact opposite.
But as much as my family want me to be like them in life, share the same attributes and whatnot, for the first time I don't mind being the odd one out.
I don't mind not being the one that doesn't fit in.
I don't mind being misunderstood.

I've felt the feeling of it for years now but now I feel I can finally accept it.
I know my opinions and thoughts have always been different to those of my family members and relatives and at this moment, I'm honestly okay with it.

Peace and love,
chauie

Offended

Who are they to judge me?
They've seen me out and having "fun" twice
They don't know about the others
Don't call me something that I may not be

(But even if I am what you say I am, wouldn't you fit into the same category?
We all make decisions based on our personal choices. I'm sorry but I refuse to succumb to what you think is right and wrong - what's good and bad)

Don't make assumptions
I thought they knew me
By now
But I guess they dont know me at all

I knew there was a reason why i never disclosed information about that part of my life
I am quite offended by the comment
Knowing they made it behind my back


Thanks a lot, mate(s).


Getting things off my chest,
chauie
'Well I, thought I knew you. Thinking, that you were true. I guess I, I couldn't trust 'cause your bluff time is up 'cause I've had enough' - Fighter, Christina Aguilera

Indefinitely

Okay so here's part 2 of previous post 'Ignorant', one I've aptly titled as 'Indefinitely'.

(Written 3rd December 2009)

There is a reason why
I
No longer share my news with you
News, whether it be good or bad.
I heard the surprise in your voice
When?
The first time you found out I was studying again
And I always had a feeling
That you thought I could never do it.
I just needed time away and for myself
To figure it all out
But you thought I was just wasting it.

I'm glad I proved you wrong
I'm glad I no longer have you in my life
(At least not my personal one)
I don't need you
Or your discouraging words bringing me down

Your recent behaviour
Has confirmed to me
Indefinitely
That you're no good for me
And it's best that I walk away now
And leave you (coughing) in the dust...


x
chauie
'Now all I battle is your ego and your pride. It's ticking like a time bomb, ready too ignite. Hurtin' me to fight.' - Wake Up, Alicia Keys

One Day

I wrote this piece a few weeks ago on the way home from class. I don't know why I didn't post it earlier... I supposed it's because certain things happened between then and now that had me switching my mind and deciding not to post it at all. But something interesting happened on Friday and so I went and looked for it and well... here it is. I guess it's true when people say that 'certain things happen when you least expect it'.

~

There are times when I see you
And I want to say Hi
But often you give me a look
That simply says Goodbye
A look that seems you're looking right through me
I know I've given off mixed vibes
But it's because of what you disclosed to he
Lately I've been dealing with personal shit
I kinda wish you knew...
Coz you were there when things first took its toll
I know now I can't trust many, only a few
A wise woman once told me,
'You should be able to count your true friends on one hand...'
You used to be there
But now you've slipped through like (tiny) grains of sand

You may not believe it
But I do hope we talk again one day
Until that moment,
I don't know what else I can say...

Peace yo.
chauie
'It's hard to say I miss you. Since you've been gone, it's not the same' - Hard To Say, The Used

To Forgive... Or Not?

I was chatting with a good mate of mine online last week and he told me that even though it's only been a couple months, he felt the need to contact his ex and send her a text message to see how she was going.

For me, that was the first sign that this was not going to go anywhere positive.

It was a sign that even though I did not think she deserved it, in a sense, it felt like he wanted to.
After all the feelings and emotions he went through because of the break-up, a part of him still wanted to forgive her.

He also told me that he sensed the feeling that she missed me - as a friend and as one of the girls she could turn to. He asked me to initiate the contact with her and I told him that I wasn't sure if I could but that I'd think about it.

Not wanting to drag this conversation out any further, for fear of where it might lead and what things might have come out of our thoughts if we continued, I said goodnight and logged off.

The next morning and for a few days after that conversation, I kept thinking about my conversation with him and each time, I came back with the same conclusion / question. A question that I want to say to him but I don't know if I can... that question being:

'How can you forgive someone who treated you like shit?'

This question just doesn't apply to him and the way he treated her but to all relationships and friendships. Do people really deserve a second chance if they did you wrong?

I applied it to a friendship I had that was recently "broken" [with a girl at work] and for me, I just don't think I could do it. Forgive them, I mean.

Needless to say, at this point, I don't think I'll be picking up the phone to send a text message - to either girl.

Peace,
chauie
'And when you say it doesn't matter, well it does. And all it takes is a mistake to eat your words', - Second Chances, Michelle Branch

Breaking Point

Last week I experienced one of my most worst weeks at work.
It was stressful and tiring.
So much so, I remember that on the Wednesday, I knew I had hit my breaking point of stress when I felt tears coming on.

You must understand something - my work never stresses me out.
In the two years I've worked there, everything has become quite simple once you learn all the tasks in the team.
Nothing is seen as a challenge and I find myself bored most of the time.

But last week, maybe it dawned on me that my (best) friend had left.
Maybe it was the fact that everyone else who held the same level of skills as I (or higher) had been smart and made the first move to leave the team.
And so maybe the realisation hit me when I discovered that all that responsibility had been put on my shoulders and I just didn't know how to handle it all.

It came all at once and honestly it was all a little bit too much.
Part of it scared me.
Part of it stressed me out.
Part of it loved that my manager recognised and acknowledged my ability to take on that responsibility.

The question is, can I do it?

(Needless to say, I treated myself and went away for the weekend interstate and although the stress went away for the weekend, I came back to work Monday morning and part of me felt that that stress was still there...)

x
chauie
'I've never faced so many emotional days', - I'm Feeling You, Santana ftg The Wreckers

[Update on] The Last 12 Hours

So if you follow my blog regularly, I posted about an old friend whom drunk-texted me a couple months ago at about 2.30am. The feeling I felt the morning after was not one of love for the guy. But it wasn't exactly hate either. More of a feeling that was mixed with confusion and annoyance.

Anyhow, I just received an online message from him via MSN and the summary of the conversation was that he apologised, even adding that "my drunk dials usually are fun". Whatever he wants to think, I'll let him think it. For now, at least. At least he knew that he was drunk.. despite denying it in the messages.

So I forgave him. I don't know, however, if I truly forgive him.
I know I said it just to say it though but I guess, as they say, actions speak louder than words so guess we'll just wait for the day when Eric and I are face to face again - minus any alcohol.

Night yo,
chauie
'I look around and you just ain't the same to me' - Know Better, Elliot Yamin

Too Much Too Soon?

When starting a relationship, these days I've noticed, some couples just seem to go about it way too fast. Do the phrases 'Don't rush', or 'Let's take it one step at a time' not mean anything to anyone anymore?

I know that during the 'Honeymoon' phase we're all blinded by lust - not love. Love at first sight does not exist - not from what I've seen. The behaviour is always questionable.

Call me cynical if you like. I don't really care. This is just how I see it.

I'm not in a relationship but I remember an incident that happened not too long ago when a guy (who is no longer) in my life invited me out a couple of times. I didn't really know the guy so I gave him a chance.

You gotta take chances, coz then you'll never know right?

Maybe I should've skipped out on giving this guy a chance coz all of a sudden after two outings together, his best friend is sitting next to me telling me that the guy is "falling for me".

Woah.
Stop and rewind please.

How can you fall for someone so easily? So quickly?
I mean, I was flattered but it hit the line of desperate. The guy in question was older and we hardly knew each other. Aren't older guys supposed to be the mature ones? Or is that stereotyping and labelling them too much?

Anyways, I ran away from that guy pretty quickly. :P

But even those in relationships now are moving too fast. I have friends from all different groups and networks and I know at least one in each that I feel are (or have been) moving just a little too quickly in my opinion.

Six months in (or less) and I'm hearing about the four letter word, sex, possible marriage proposals, moving in together, etc. Some things just leave me speechless.

I'm not here to point the finger at anyone and insult them.

I just wanna know why?
Why the rush?
Why not stop and breathe and enjoy the moment in each other's company for a minute?

Is that too much to ask?

But I'm just someone on the outside looking in on these relationships around me so maybe it's different within the relationship but time is time.

As much as I would like to have a control of life and be able to press stop, pause, rewind or fast-forward, I can't and neither can you. Therefore, I think my opinion is fair in this case.

I know that life is short and we should 'seize the moment' but with relationships, you should take your time. If it doesn't last, it doesn't last. Be happy that you were able to enjoy all those past moments together rather than rushing through each one trying to create new ones.

If other people know about your 'rushed' relationship, there will be questions.
And if you question it, if you have ever questioned it at any point during the relationship, you can bet other people surely will also.

Excuse my mood (again).
chauie
'Gave you second chances. At least a hundred times, you're not the one, I am done' - Empty, Jessica Mauboy

The Comparision

Lately I feel like everyday at work feels like an episode of "Gossip Girl" minus the fashion. :P

I'm the only one walking around trying to look good for myself - not for the opposite sex! haha (just kidding.)

I've wrote about this again and again.

Work - my workplace - feels like (a) high-school with girls and boys running around chasing one another or talking about each other. Not ladies and gentlemen - boys and girls.

The people at work all love to talk - about the good and the bad.

Talk is cheap - that's why everyone does it.

As much as we try not to bitch about certain people and things happening around the office, sometimes the behaviour of some steps over the line and you find yourself exasperated with that particular person that you just need to let it out.

Sometimes to stop and breathe doesn't work.

Out.
chauie
'I see it around me, I see it in everything. I could be so much more than this' - My Sundown, Jimmy Eat World

Drama Drama Drama

I don't even know where to start with this post to be honest. The reason for this post was sparked as a result of what's been happening behind the doors at 50 Miller.

As of late, it seems the whole office is just buzzing with gossip and bitching. I mean, don't get me wrong it's probably been an ongoing thing even before I stepped foot into the building and started work with my fellow employees but it seems within the last 8 months, tensions are rising and whispers are getting louder and louder.

Honestly, nowadays when I come in each day, I don't feel like I'm walking into a corporate office of "professional" workers, I feel like I'm stepping back into the grounds of my High School. Is that fucked or what?

I guess it just goes to show that no matter how old you are or how mature you think you are, there will always be that part of you that wants to talk about others, which not only sucks for the person you're talking about behind their back, but adds fuel to any fire of the rumours that are already spreading throughout the building.

One other thing I don't like are people that fall under a label of which I'm not sure what name it should be. Those people who say that they will do something but then do the opposite. People who say they're 'not like like that' or 'don't do that' but then, the next day / week, are doing exactly that! People who talk on the downlow about other people, making comments about how others work - obviously negatively based when they're not so great themselves.
(By the way, I'm not putting anyone down with that last comment, I just think that no-one is the best at something. There's always room for improvement and more knowledge.)

Would the correct label be Hypocrites? Can someone please clarify / verify this for me.

The funny thing is, when people wanna vent about others they choose me to vent off to. In a sense, it's fine because they're not venting / bitching about me so it doesn't necessarily affect me. But on the other hand, when it all comes down to it, we all talk about everyone else. And though on a rare occasion, it may be positive... in reality, most of the time, it's negative.

You all know I need to vent on a weekly basis - whether it be through this blog or not. Sometimes we just need to let it out.

So why do we do it?

Are we all guilty of being insecure in some way that we secretly hope that if we talk someone down, it will help us with our own self-esteem?

With all the things I hear, it just makes me think: What else happens behind closed doors?

But with all the bitching / gossip / rumours / assumptions / drama, I've developed a thicker skin for it and have gotten better at separating the truth from the lies, the friends from the foes, those who I should keep at a distance, and those who I should not speak more than what is necessary to.

Sometimes it's hard to decipher who from whom, but I guess after working there from almost two years, you learn to keep your friends close and that's all that matters. As for the others, no-one said I had to make friends with everybody. Nobody's perfect and you can't like everyone you meet nor can you make them like you.

That's all.
chauie
(picture credit: idea-awards.com.au)

'Never underestimate those who you scar, cause karma karma karma comes back to you hard' - Lost Ones, Lauryn Hill

Not Again..

I love my best friend but sometimes I dont know...
(hehe kidding! i still love her!)

It seems every time we go out, and I know it's a rare occasion coz she's always busy with Uni so maybe I should stop complaining while I'm ahead, but every time we go out, she tells me that I should hook up with a guy or try and push me towards a guy that we both think is cute.

Just coz I think he's cute doesnt mean I want to act upon it. Can't I just think a guy is cute and leave it at that?

This kinda goes back to my first post on this blog (My Single Status, June 09) where I posted that article that I sent in for Sydney Morning Herald's 'The Heckler' (it never got published but I had fun writing it).

As from the abovementioned (blog) post, I'm going to propose the same question:

Is being single such a bad thing?

Do I have a sign above my head everywhere I go that says 'Desperate for you to set me up with someone. Quick!' ?

If I do, it must only be visible to you.

I just don't get it.

This has gotten me a bit worked up (again) because last night we went out for a joint birthday for my best friend and another girlfriend and there was a boy there that yes, we both thought was cute and she was like 'why don't you go and talk to him?' but I know in reality, she was hoping something would come out of that question / conversation (had I done it!), like maybe him asking me for my digits or vice versa.

I dragged out my decision long enough though and by the time she decided to go and talk to him 'for me', he was saying goodbye to everyone.

Oh well :P

When the time comes, it'll happen. Til then, I don't mind waiting :)

I'm out.

Goodnight.

chauie

'Been a long time since I did something good for myself' - Forgive Me, Leona Lewis

Untitled Pt 2.

So went and grabbed something to eat but I'm back ready to continue but I think I'm gonna leave that last topic for a bit. I have something else thats weighing on my mind and it's something that the nurse, Sarah, said at my review last week:

'Make sure you go for Plastic, not Cosmetic'.

This has been an ongoing battle for me ever since I was young. Even before I knew about it, if that's possible. But what I mean is, when I was young, I didn't know what was right or wrong. I don't think I had even learnt to talk at the age that the accident happened.

After what happened last Friday though, I couldn't help but laugh about it and say to my Mum that I do it coz 'I like hospitals'. Obviously no-body does but at that point, I just couldn't cry about it. Or maybe I just didn't want to. So it was kind of like a reflex to make a joke and laugh about it. Obviously I didn't want it to happen. It just did.

But in reference to what Sarah said, I am definitely going to do my research if I ever decide to go through with it. Actually, let's rewind and rephrase that. I have thought about it, too many times, but I will be sure to do my research when I decide to take that leap. But at least with Sarah's advice, I know now to scratch off all the Cosmetic Surgeons off the list..

Growing up, I've had plenty of people look at me and try to tell me what they thought was best for me. Even though they had no medical background, they just looked at me and you know they were just thinking 'she ain't really pretty coz of 'that' ' but to be polite... well they thought it was polite, they would just be like 'if you ever decide to, you should go to this guy' or 'check out this person's credentials' or 'if you're really committed to getting rid of it, you should think about going overseas'.

Most times I just don't have a response for that shit. I appreciated the fact that they cared for me but sometimes it just didn't bother me. I've become used to having it part of my appearance. Looking at it in the mirror and have it staring back at me. But from what I've seen and heard over the years, it just seems to come with people's first impressions of me when they see me.

That shit is fucked up in my opinion.

That whole saying about 'don't judge a book by its cover' - that shit needs to come into play with the people I seem to meet. Seems they make a judgement about me before I even open my mouth. There's a sense of pity and sympathy in their voices.

If only you knew all the comments I've heard over the years, whether they were to my face or behind my back... Pretty sad stuff. Especially experiencing it first-hand, knowing that people can stoop that low. Sometimes it's when you know people don't really think about what they say before they say it. Kinda like the truth is coming out. Pretty fucked up yo..

I've never been this honest talking about it, but I just felt that now was the time to lay all the cards out on the table.

I don't need the pity. I don't need the sympathy. Look past the physical side of a person and get to know the person then make a judgement. Please. Most times, people surprise you when you least expect it.

Think about that.

I'm out.
Peace..

x
chauie
"Listen to the words that you say, it's getting harder to stay" - Only You, Joshua Radin

My Single Status

So this post, I've actually submitted for SMH's The Heckler. I got the idea from my writing class. For all of those unknown to the daily column (from the Sydney Morning Herald), its an unpaid gig but basically you write a 450-word piece on something that really gets under your skin and me, well I decided to submit the following:

-----

The other night I went out to dinner with a few girlfriends for our regular catch-ups. We were still deciding on where to go when one announces that she has a boyfriend, then another pipes up and says, ‘Chau, tell us you have a boyfriend too so that all four of us can now say we are no longer single’.

I, by the way, am not attached at the moment but the comment made me wonder, ‘What is wrong with being an independent single woman? Is finding our ‘soul mate’ the main thing on individuals’ minds these days? Is having a man attached on our arm the new black?’

Something similar happened this past weekend when I attended a family wedding and saw relatives whom I hadn’t seen in a while and understandably, I suppose ‘love’ is often on the minds of all those present at such ceremonies, but is it on our minds so much, that we start our conversations surrounding the topic?

Whatever happened to ‘Hi, how have you been?’ Is being in a relationship so important nowadays that our conversations have to start with, ‘Hi, do you have a boyfriend yet?’

At the risk of sounding like Pauline Hanson: please explain.

Don’t get me wrong, I do want to have a guy in my life, but I don’t need a guy in my life. Those are two completely different things, but I guess my friends (and family) just don’t understand that part about it.

And even if the time came, I wouldn’t want someone now – maybe later in life. As my workmates tell me every other day, I’m still young, being only twenty two. I, myself, don’t want to be tied down, nor do I want to be committed to the wrong person.

But that doesn’t seem to stop my friends going out and trying to find me a guy to ‘hook up’ with on a night out or to set me up with on a date. Even when I hesitate to go through with the ‘arranged’ date, they tell me the same thing again and again – ‘If it doesn’t work out, at least you would have made a new friend’.

Sometimes I wonder, based on that comment, how many new ‘friends’ I would have made in the past year had I not refused their suggestions?

I am single by choice. I enjoy being single. I like not having to worry or stress about what someone else is thinking when I’m enjoying a night out with the girls.

Let me ask you, is being single such a bad thing?

-----

No idea if it'll get posted but fingers crossed. Either way, I had fun writing it and that's the kind of stuff I wanna be posting on this blog. My other ones are all specific based. I want this one to be open to all topics and categories.

Peace..

x

..chauie..