Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

The Way He Makes Me Feel

I wrote this last night on the train on the way home from class. Almost got a little teary too just thinking about it all. The subject. The words that were coming out. This is the truth right here. Words I probably have never spoken aloud before about this particular person. I won't reveal who but if he ever happens to read this, then he should know who he is. I just don't think he realises how he makes me feel.
Again, my thoughts are scattered and probably repetitive throughout this piece but I didn't want to cross out anything... This is purely a rant. Seeing him earlier in the evening sparked these words..

~
I can't seem to escape events and places where I used to go alone.
I now see him joining in... to everything. What happened?
Things were so much better when I didn't see his face.
Today I stepped off the train and as I was walking up the escalator, I saw him walking out of his carriage. It wasn't what I needed. Not in my current state of mind.
I don't want to see him.
(Obviously avoiding him didn't work since he keeps showing up)
What else do I need to do to give him a sign?
I hate the way he makes me feel after every conversation we have
Stupid
And not good enough
Every time we talk, his tone and actions show a different side of him
I can't stand the way he makes me feel after the exchange of words between one another - whether it be a lot or a litte
He reminds me of someone else... Someone who I have not spoken one word to in the last six months
(It could happen to him)
People like that don't deserve my time, yet they keep showing up
(My) Emotions run on high whenever we chat
I don't dare cry in front of him but because of the way he makes me feel
I can't help but let my emotions run wild

Stupid
Not good enough
The two characteristics/words that are often repeating in my head when we talk.
Before, during but especially afterwards.
He makes me lose all confidence in myself simply because of the way he talks to me that I'm often left in the sense of feeling that he thinks he's better.
Better than me.
Better than you.
Better than everyone we both know

I don't know why I ever... (finish this sentence)

He makes me want to scream.
He makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry myself to sleep, hoping to never see his face again
(Don't worry, I didn't do that last night but he txted me this morning - there's no escape!)

I'm scarred emotionally and because of my past, sometimes I feel I'm physically scarred too. (With my past coming back to haunt me) They often both link with one another.

~

I don't really want to post this because I know the questions will come from the few friends that read this blog but I need to let it out.
Thank goodness for my day off today.

x
chauie

'How come, how long, its not right, it's so wrong. Do we let it just go on? Turn our backs and carry on. Wake up, for it's too late' - How Come, How Long by Babyface & Stevie Wonder

Stalker?

What an interesting night.
Do you think I still fancy you?
In someway or another
Coz the both of you were quite guarded
Saying hello was so awkward
Kiss on the cheek or high-five?
You obviously couldn't decide
But I wonder if it was because she was right there..?
And even when you did lean in, her actions showed that she was protecting you
From what?
Me?
Listen here mate, I'm over you.
Sometimes I feel as though I hate you.
I know that hate is a strong word but when I think back on the past (and I know I shouldn't)
The reality is you treated me like shit
And I didn't deserve it
So I think I have the right to feel some hate towards you

I found it even funnier when you had to leave and you were telling everyone where you were going
Yet when you said goodbye to me, you simply said you had to be "somewhere"
Like you were scared of telling me the details..
What are you afraid of?
Did you think I was going to follow you and stalk you?
Get over yourself mate.
I could think of a million things better to do with my time
Like going home!

As for her, we talked last night...
And I was sober so I remember the whole conversation
I don't really care what's going on anymore
I just hope she's careful and that you don't treat her the way you treated me.

Out.
chauie
'Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running. A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you. More than you, more than you know' - Daughtry, Over You

Catch Up?

We were meant to catch up the other night
Her and I
But I don't know if I could have faced her
Alone.
After what happened..
But then it didn't go ahead
And I knew, in a sense, because of what he said
But I thought I'd ask anyway, playing dumb and all
He told us you both were going on a date
Even if neither of you want to admit that you're together
We all know already
It was pretty obvious to all whom were there
Now it's just time for the announcement - will it be her or him who speaks

Despite all that, I had a fabolous night
Finally chopped off my hair, then met up with a girlfriend for dinner and a glass of wine.

I really hope things take a turn now.
One for the positive
One that is in the present (love you Ann!)

Sleepy now,
x
chauie
"To change I must first wholly accept the present moment. This moment, as it is, is perfect." - TDL

A Simple Question...

Due to family commitments this past (long) weekend, I didn't see any of my friends.
I probably could have met up with a few of them on a couple of the nights, but I chose not to.

Tonight I realised something:
hardly anyone ever asks how I am anymore.
Just me.
Not my work.
Not Acclaim
or any other writing projects I have on...

Is it that hard to ask such a simple question: 'How are you?' or 'How have you been?'

I don't get it.

On a sort of relevant note, I've started to clean out my Facebook friend list.

I'm starting to get tired of it.
All of it.

Out.
chauie
'You see the thing of it, Is we deserve respect. But we can't demand respect without change. There comes a time when we must go our own way' - Let It Flow, Toni Braxton

Muddled, Grey Thoughts

The days in Sydney have been grey lately
And my mood has unfortunately matched its hue
Some days I just feel alone.
And on those days I want to blame you
Not alone, in the sense of having a partner
But alone in the world
Days when I feel no-one understands
No-one is reaching for my hand
Telling me all will be okay..

Sometimes I wonder why
I am this way
Quiet, shy, secretive
Independent
But I still care about what other people think
I don't know why I still do
Well actually I do: it was all because of my horrific experience in high-school

After I left and found myself reflecting upon it, I realised that all girls are catty bitches looking for drama and a piece of gossip and all guys are jerks who just want to date every girl who walks onto the basketball court.

I don't talk to anyone from High-School anymore coz I realised they all treated me like shit.
It was really hard for me to let people in after that.
It still is.
That's why I'm so quiet when I meet someone new.
I just tend to keep to myself.
You can call it shy
I call it careful:
not wanting to make the same mistake twice.
not wanting to get burnt again...

x
chauie
'Is anyone out there willing to listen. I'm kind of worried about the world that we live in. It's time to stand up but everyone's sitting' - Am I All Alone, Suai

Existence

I was sitting in class earlier tonight and I started having second thoughts about it all.
But I think it went further than just me not wanting to be in class.
It was more about whether I should be here at all.

My existence.

Would it really matter to anyone if I was here or not?
If I disappeared for a week, how long would it take you to realise that I was missing?
If I shut off my phone and left my emails unread, what would happen?
What would you do?
Would you know if I had gone into hiding?

I don't see a lot of people on a regular basis. I have 300+ friends on Facebook and I see maybe 10% of them on a weekly basis. I reckon I could go on living life for about a month and end up only seeing 10 and that's only because of the people I work with.

But for some 'friends', though they say they'll keep in touch, there have hardly been any signs o that being true: no missed calls, no emails, no txt msgs.. not even a comment on my wall to say 'Hi'...

Next week, I'm on a two-week break from class and I've decided to really re-assess my life.
Taking the advice of my workmate, I'm going to re-assess the 'friends' I have too.

It feels like it's time for a change.

Chopping my hair off.
Re-assessing my life.
Organising my home-life.
Re-assessing my friends.
Changing my attitude.

I hope doing these abovementioned things will push me and give me an extra dose of much-needed confidence.
I went to a workshop at work today and leaving this particular session, left me with three key things that I needed to do. One of which was: "LEARN TO SAY NO!"

I'm out.
x
chauie
'I don't go with yesterday no more (Ooh). Now I'm feeling free (I'm feeling free). Today tomorrow told me (What it say?). That's where I should be (That's where I should be)' - T.O.N.Y, Solange Knowles

Work and Stuff.

Yesterday I had my quarterly review with my manager and I told her exactly how I was feeling.

How I've been feeling.

Basically I lay out all the cards on the table.

Of course, this lead to a little breakdown but I'm okay now. Well today anyway.

It was just good to finally get things off my chest about all the pressure and the workload and whilst sometimes it's my fault - taking on more than i can handle and such - for the most part, it's other people.

Ugh. Someone get me another job please.

x
chauie

My Status

Everyone is all coupled up.
Whether it be with their partner, a friend or family.
Everyone is in twos.
If this were happening to me last week, I probably would have walked away by now feeling a little depressed, but this week, I've found myself thinking in a new perspective - especially when it comes to love.
I've always been unlucky in love and I always used to care.
About my relationship status and what other people thought when I told them I was unattached. Especially with friends.
Some don't care.
Others feel the need to push me to every random cute and single boy they see.
It can get quite frustrating at times and though most times, you'll find me playing along..
Deep down, I wasn't happy with what was happening.
The situations and conversations I would find myself in...
I can't even find the words to describe the way I was feeling within those moments but it was far more than awkward.
I think I'm feeling this way, at this point in time, because of a certain boy who's recently entered my life.
But as bad as it sounds, his actions have had me running away rather than into his arms..

Just you wait though - knowing me, my mood will switch up again next week.
Til then.

Peace yo.
x
chauie

Today Was A Great Day!

Today I found out some great news!

In relation to my writing that is... hehe

Jeff Staple (iconic streetwear designer whom I, and a few of the itches clan, met in Melbourne) liked MY review of the Buffet event!

The fact that he read the thirteen itches blog first of all is big news - major exposure for the label. But even bigger is him saying that he liked my review is soo awesome! Couldn't wipe the smile off my face hehe

Check out what he said:

"Check out the Thirteen Itches blog and Frank/Qubic’s blog for a great write-up from a local’s perspective."

This is a major compliment!!!

Even further, it tells me that I didn't make a mistake choosing to write for the rest of my life hehe

Anyways, you can check out Mr Staple's review here.

And above, well I had to add it in but it's a pic of he and I (and his fries!) in Melbourne after the Buffet forums :0)

You Think You Know Someone...

But you really don't.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I was on Facebook earlier and saw that one of my best friends is celebrating his birthday next month...

The thing is, the news of the event was in my News Feed. I didn't exactly get an invite for it.

There's an option to view it and then "Request an Invite" but how desperate would it look if I did that?

I don't know whether to hold a grudge and make my own plans 'on the night' or what...

As someone's best friend, wouldn't you expect to be at least top 5 on their invite list?

Whatever. I'm going out for some retail therapy even though I should be saving for my US trip.
This piece of news just has me feeling so... argh!

Out.
chauie

Here's A Crazy Thought..

Went to a meeting today with the rest of the team and we watched a video at the end - it was supposed to motivate us to provide better customer service to our clients and stuff like that - but the main message I got from it was that you need to be working in a place that makes you happy and makes you wanna get out of bed every morning.

I went to back to my desk thinking with the feeling that the video affected me in the opposite way it would have affected the rest of my team.

I'm not happy at my current job.

You'd think after being there for years, things would be all gravy, but no.

Everyone acts supportive but when you look underneath, they all just kind of wanna bring you down. It's a bit fucked up.

All I could think about all day was turning up tomorrow and saying this:

On that note, I'm out.
chauie

Glum.

Ever since you got back to Sydney we haven't had a proper conversation.

Not properly.

The way we used to.

Even online.

I'll message you - but nothing

And I know you're there.

But the only things I've received from you are hugs.

But then I also know / realise that you'd rather spend your free time with the new person in your life.

Coz when you don't have free time, you're either at work or asleep or doing your community activities.

And that's fine.

But I miss you.

I miss our chats.

I miss your advice and your words of encouragement.

The picture has nothing to do with this post.

It was taken in Melbourne..

I'm just bored.

And feeling a little glum..

Out.

chauie

Melbourne Boy

Met with a guy in Melbourne on a night out
And though we've met before
Briefly last time I was in town
This time we got to know each other better
And it was time spent in an intimate setting
The chemistry between us was crazy
He literally sent shivers through me
Each time he spoke to me... and his breath hit my skin,
My body felt goosebumps
I don't know if it was the exciting vibe of the night
The alcohol that was flowing
Or the things he said and the way he looked at me
But each time we were in conversation, the chemistry just kept rising - that was one thing I knew for sure.

The funny thing is, he is the opposite of what I'm usually attracted to...

x
chauie

Content in Melbourne.

So I've been back from Melbourne for a few days now but I've just been avoiding writing altogether for some reason. I can't seem to get into it. It's most likely writer's block. Anyhow, this piece was written on the place during the flight from Sydney to Melbourne and I started to type it in my blackberry (hence the date) but then I wrote way more than I anticipated and reverted back to my good ol' notebook.

Here we go.. (I don't know what brought upon this mood either)

There are times in life when you want someone around you. Someone to be with you. Hold you. Love you. Respect you. But most importantly, accept you for who you are. Accept the things you've done in the past and be glad that it's made you the person you are today.

Other times in life, you just want to be alone. To be left alone. Not consult anyone for advice. To be independent. And just going for it.

Kind of like the way I feel right now.

As I sit on this plane by myself, I feel content. I'm happy with the way things have turned out for me thus far. Some things I'd like to forget, but for the most part, life is good. To be happy is the most important thing in life, isn't it? Moreso than money and love? (I know many people would argue with me on that, but each to their own. These are my opinions, remember?)

For those in my life who see me regularly, you'd know that there isn't a day that passes where I'm not smiling. And it's crazy to think that people have asked me time and time again, 'Why are you so happy?'.

What they don't know is, sometimes, those smiles are masking certain feelings. Hiding certain emotions. But I do my best not to let it show - at least not to those around me who know me as the girl who loves to write and is always smiling hehe

I admit, I do tend to not disclose the information that has me feeling the opposite of happy. I've learnt a lot about myself during the past couple of years, like when I'm happy, I'm easily persuaded to let others know the reason behind my smile... just to share the positive vibe around.

When I feel that first cut, however, I tend to be a little quieter throughout the day, waiting for the moment when I'm in my room. Alone. Then depending on how much it hurts, I'll either hide under the covers and try to forget, or I'll turn on my laptop, let the feelings brew and start writing. And I usually won't stop until I've let it all out.

Few people pick up on my mood (when this happens) but most don't and that's okay.

Right now though, I'm not feeling like that at all. I'm feeling content, excited, nervous, curious and I'm patiently waiting for a certain someone to answer me back.

I'm on the plane on the way to Melbourne, but as much as most people in my life think it's just another holiday, it's moreso a trip for me to meet the team of people I've recently started working with. I'm part excited, part nervous about it - only because I want to make a good impression. Coz well, the first impression counts doesn't it? Hopefully all will be okay...

As for that certain someone? That particular individual is back in Sydney and has no idea that I'm on my way to Melbourne (unless they decide to stalk my Facebook!). But if they are ready to give me an answer, I guess I'll have to wait til I'm back in Sydney to hear what they have to say.

Til then, I'm ready for whatever Melbourne has to offer me.

I'm out.
Peace yo.
chauie

Scarily True

My horoscope for today is scarily true in terms of my current mood:

"What in the world is going on? On the one hand, you have thoughts that are rather humanistic and harmonious about both your family and your career. But on the other hand, you also have a deep desire to destroy everything in order to start fresh!"

This morning I felt confident. More than I have about myself in a while.
It's wierd coz I had less than 5 hours of sleep, bad coffee and a boring brekky and yet, that didn't deter my mood.

Maybe I'm still on a high from the Lupe Fiasco concert last night...
(Hopefully will get to do a review on that early on this week)

Yesterday I went to the temple again to pray for all the bad things /luck/spirits to be gone and not have them affect me (and my family) this year and I came to the conclusion that this year is the year for my career to take off. Scary that today's horoscope thinks so too..

And I'm talking about my dream career of writing... my current career role, on the other hand might be relevant to the flipside of the abovementioned horoscope.

I do have a desire to rid myself of this life. Everything that comes with it.
Except my writing - it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
Recently, I've had a strong desire to quit. Not just my current role but some people in my life.
Sometimes I don't know why I still engage in conversation with them.

Guess it's still a question that is left to be unanswered.. and will be unanswered for a little while methinks.

Til then, I'm hoping my mini escape to Melbourne will help this week.

Peace out yo.

Update: Balance

I've had a really good 24 hours.

I planned to do nothing this weekend, but last night, I went over to a mate's place and watched him and one of my best mates make beats and experiment with their DJ equipment. It was pretty crazy to watch and listen to whilst I was lost in my own thoughts.

I've been a little paranoid with one of my mates thinking he was pissed at me but last night we hung out / chilled / vibed and talked and it was just like old times.

It was something that I was definitely missing.

After last night, I feel like my life has reached somewhat of a balance.

Before last night, I had hardly seen any of my friends face-to-face for almost a month coz of all the craziness that had been happening - re: work, friends, writing, planning, family. But last night, it was good to see my best mate and not have any animosity or tension between us.

Anyways I've got a busy week ahead of me: concerts, class, work and my mini holiday to Melbourne! Can't wait!

- Going to check out Lupe Fiasco tonight at the Enmore and Jimmy Eat World tuesday night. Don't know if I'll do any reviews on either gigs but we'll see what happens.
- Class and work is part of my normal schedule although I'll want to speed through those hours hehe
- Thursday I jump on a plane to head down to Melbourne for a trip that will be both business and pleasure :)

Oh by the way, finally saw (one of my favourite artists) Kid Cudi live and whilst it probably wasn't the best time of my life, I'm still happy I got to experience it! Hopefully he'll come back soon and do some shows. Fingers crossed in the meantime.

As for that guy whom has recently entered in my life and could be a potential? Things are going alright for the moment and whilst I haven't told many people about it... I'm okay with things for now. At the moment, if things don't work out... I think I'll be okay. Key word: think haha

Anyways I'm outta here.
Gotta get ready and stuff.
Peace and love yo.
x
chauie

Chinese New Year: Year of the Tiger

February 14 may have been Valentine's Day for a lot of you, but for me, it marked the date of the beginning of Chinese New Year.

Not like I have a significant other, so I was completely fine with the fact that the day clashed with the Hallmark holiday. Some people in my family were less than pleased... lol

So I've decided as my (Chinese) new year's resolution to rid myself of the old and welcome the new. Now this shall/could be applied to every aspect of my life: friends, work, love.. and especially old habits.

I've decided that it's time for me to let go of the past and embrace the future. I really hope I can do it.

Plus, this year celebrated the Year of the Tiger (which I am), so I really hope 2010 is the year for me.

My mum read my Chinese horoscope for me for the next 12 months and whilst there are some good points there, there's also some sour months. The good points are directed towards my career and work but I want 2010 to bring luck to me in other elements.

Either way, the Chinese horoscope is usually on point every year for me and my family so I hope those good things do happen...

Til then, guess I just gotta take it one day at a time.
Peace yo.
chauie

Notebook

My friends know how much I wanna be a writer.
They know how much I love to write.

So much so, that for my 23rd birthday, they bought me a hard cover notebook (along with many other great things).
I felt like it was a symbol of something that would help me begin that journey or just to have paper and pen whenever I had the inspiration or the need to write something down.

For the longest time I never wrote anything in it.
I didn't think anything was worthy of being written on those lined pages, but last night, I was reading and suddenly I had the feeling of wanting to write something.

I made my first entry in that black notebook last night and the words within that piece were so honest, so raw, so true that I don't know if I'll ever post them here on this blog or just leave them within those pages.

It was about one of my true fears in life.
Something I've never been able to speak out loud about or been able to share with anyone before.
I don't know why exactly...

I want that book to be filled with words that will someday make an impact on someone.
I don't care for the fame and fortune that everyone else seems to crave.
I just want to write words, that hopefully, someday, someone will read and it'll make them cry.
Or make them smile.
Either way, I want the words that I write to make an impact on someone else.
If I can make that happen, then nothing else really matters to me.

Peace out yo.
x
chauie
'Sometimes I can't explain, and I'm so sorry that I can't' - Wish You Were, Kate Voegele

Re-Connecting

This past week has been up and down for me. I had a feeling my good news would come to a halting stop. I knew there was a reason why I never really shared good news with anyone before, not just friends but family and workmates too.

The first 4 and a half days of the working week was great! Everything seemed to be smooth sailing and it was making me feel glad that I was still in January. I say "and a half" because the morning of Thursday was a morning filled with gossip and giggling whilst emailing a girlfriend of mine about the opposite sex. Very funny :P

But all good things must come to an end right?

Let's just say I copped a bit of critique about my work and although, I'm all well and good now after having a few days to myself, at the time I was really upset. Especially for the fact that it just kept coming, one after the other.

It was hard being at work too coz I couldn't really show what I was truly feeling. I wanted to scream! I wanted to throw my crackberry at the monitor then throw the monitor out the window. All I could do was go to the bathroom and shed a few tears there...

I know it was constructive criticism but I was happy with what I had done and when I saw who the caller was, I thought they'd be sharing in my happy news. But no. It was quite the opposite.

I felt so shitty with myself that I almost skipped the farewell dinner but the girl whom we were saying goodbye too was not at fault. It was me. So I went to dinner but left pretty soon afterwards. I only said goodbye to her and I know what everyone else was thinking.

I saw the expression on the faces and the surprise in their voices. But I'm sure they got over it five minutes later.

But on Friday, I came into work, on 4 hours of sleep, and didn't show any signs of unhappiness, anger or the like, somehow someone knew that I wasn't feeling all like myself. She asked me one question that morning that turned my whole (true) mood around.

The night before, friends had asked how work was that day, and I answered what they had asked about - work. They didn't ask about my day or how I was. They asked about work and so I kept the answer relating to work.

Later that day (Friday) though, I received a surprise email from my cousin from the States and after emailing her back and forth, she told me that she was glad that we were re-connecting again and those are the words that left me forgetting about the previous day's events. They just didn't matter anymore.

We were emailing each other all day about everything, especially future plans and I'm really excited for what's to come. She had me seeing things from a different perspective but in all honesty, when I do have a bad day, all I need is a few days of "me" time and I'll be alright.

People in my life who think they know me but don't just need to know that. It's one of the more important things about me and my personality.

Peace.
x
chauie