[Oh] Is it?

Is it fucked up that I tend to go out with friends whenever I receive a piece of bad news about my family?

The thing is, I don't even tell my friends what's going on...

If they plan a night out, I jump at the chance, saying 'yes' with no hesitations, when really I should be saying 'no'...

The main reason being is coz I want to avoid the place I call home when I'm feeling like this.

I mean I love my family.. but I feel like my friends are my family too, more often than not.
They are the ones that understand me. Even when I sit there silently, they know that something as simple as a hug can take away some of the pain that I go through..

Is that fucked up?
Is that strange?
Is it?

Or maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm the one that's strange.
I know a lot of the time I feel fucked up and forgotten.

The thing is I can wear a disguise with my family - stick a smile on my face and just 'pretend' that everything is A-OK. Just fine.

In reality, most times, it's not.
These days, I feel like the care factor towards me is diminishing. The questions towards me are fading. But I guess it's just something I should be used to having been treated and likened to a shadow growing up.

Like at the last family event I attended about a little over a month ago, when I came out to join in with the surrounding chit chat, it felt like those whom were there were making conversation with me just to make conversation. Polite conversation. It was like they were talking just to fill the void of the silence. Awkward, maybe, but aren't we supposed to be family? There should be no such thing as awkward silences!

It's like I moved away and we don't have anything to talk about anymore? Shouldn't we be catching up on all the things we've missed out on doing together? Your questions are short and from now on, my answers will leave you with no desire to follow-up on it.

If you wonder why I don't stay longer at these events...well now you know.
Here's the truth - there, I've said it.
Now do you have anything to say?

So like I was saying with family, I can wear a mask of (fake) feelings, but with friends it's getting more difficult to do the same thing coz they know me too well now.
I still have my guards up sometimes but I like that they ask me how I am twice just to make sure that I really am okay.
Just goes to show that they do care and aren't just making polite conversation like others.

The only time when I feel like I can't turn to either friends or (if I had to) family, I usually stay in my room, door locked, stereo on loud and holding paper and a pen. And more often than not, I won't come out until I'm ready to.
Not until I'm ready to unlock my bedroom door...

My vent for the day,
chauie
'I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring outta me. I bring them to the light for you, it's only right' - Soundtrack 2 My Life, Kid Cudi