Attraction

My friend is right
Although I can't have you
The way I (used to) think I could
The attraction will always be there
The smiles
The jokes
The winking
You'll always know how to bring me out of a crazy mood
Well (at least) I know that you're the answer
But you might not lol
At least it'll keep the mystery going between us

Still,
I like this place we're in:
Just friends
For the first time, I'm okay with not crossing the line with you

x
C

My Heart On A Plate

Every Sunday, without a doubt, you'll find me in my bed, reading up and catching up on all my favourite blogs. Listening to the latest music, reading the newest reviews and discovering what my friends (and whoever else I've added to my favourites) have been getting up to during the week.

More often than not, I will end the weekend with a bunch of new music in my iTunes. And I would have come across something inspirational. Something that inspired me to speak the truth. Something that left me with a smile on my face or a tear in my eye.

Today I experienced just that.
Listening to the new music I acquired, I thought I'd share some deep, raw and honest thoughts with you right now:

Little bits of my heart have been broken over the past 23 years of my life. Not always because of love or my (false) idea of love. Sometimes because of betrayal through friendships. Other times the cause has been the broken trust between myself and someone I know. The emotion you feel when you hear someone talking about you or someone you know and care for when you're standing right there like it doesn't matter. Like you're invisible. The tears that fall down from my eyes and roll down my cheeks when I hear something that causes pain to my ears, my mind and my already fragile heart.


My heart has been broken so many times before. I feel stupid for allowing myself to give it away so easily. To let people break down my walls and touch my heart. At the time it just felt right. But most times I found out the hard way that it just wasn't the right thing to do. It wasn't the right person I should have opened up and shared my heart with.


After all the shit I went through during high-school, I wish I was a stronger person because of it. Learning from my mistakes and all that. Lately, I've been running into one of the girls who caused my final years of high-school a living hell and if I wasn't so self-conscious, I would have walked up and slapped her in the face already. At least that's how I imagined it would be. She wasn'the main cause of my pessimistic attitude after high-school but she was a supporter of the main girl who bullied her way through our senior years to cause me endless pain - more emotional than physical.


I don't cry about it so much now as I used to when I would tell friends what I'd been through. But seeing her lately (even at a distance) has just really made me feel really uneasy. 

How can anyone go on living life so carefree knowing that they've treated someone else like shit? 

High-school was all about the drama and trying to make ourselves more liked by everyone around us but now, we're almost reaching our mid-20s and although I still despise those girls and the things they did, I just want to move on - completely - and live an independent life - free of all things that bring me down. 

Here's a couple of quotes that had me wanting to write the above today.
I'm out.
x

'I heard your voice through a photograph. I thought it up, it brought up the past. Once you know you can never go back' - Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

The Way He Makes Me Feel

I wrote this last night on the train on the way home from class. Almost got a little teary too just thinking about it all. The subject. The words that were coming out. This is the truth right here. Words I probably have never spoken aloud before about this particular person. I won't reveal who but if he ever happens to read this, then he should know who he is. I just don't think he realises how he makes me feel.
Again, my thoughts are scattered and probably repetitive throughout this piece but I didn't want to cross out anything... This is purely a rant. Seeing him earlier in the evening sparked these words..

~
I can't seem to escape events and places where I used to go alone.
I now see him joining in... to everything. What happened?
Things were so much better when I didn't see his face.
Today I stepped off the train and as I was walking up the escalator, I saw him walking out of his carriage. It wasn't what I needed. Not in my current state of mind.
I don't want to see him.
(Obviously avoiding him didn't work since he keeps showing up)
What else do I need to do to give him a sign?
I hate the way he makes me feel after every conversation we have
Stupid
And not good enough
Every time we talk, his tone and actions show a different side of him
I can't stand the way he makes me feel after the exchange of words between one another - whether it be a lot or a litte
He reminds me of someone else... Someone who I have not spoken one word to in the last six months
(It could happen to him)
People like that don't deserve my time, yet they keep showing up
(My) Emotions run on high whenever we chat
I don't dare cry in front of him but because of the way he makes me feel
I can't help but let my emotions run wild

Stupid
Not good enough
The two characteristics/words that are often repeating in my head when we talk.
Before, during but especially afterwards.
He makes me lose all confidence in myself simply because of the way he talks to me that I'm often left in the sense of feeling that he thinks he's better.
Better than me.
Better than you.
Better than everyone we both know

I don't know why I ever... (finish this sentence)

He makes me want to scream.
He makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry myself to sleep, hoping to never see his face again
(Don't worry, I didn't do that last night but he txted me this morning - there's no escape!)

I'm scarred emotionally and because of my past, sometimes I feel I'm physically scarred too. (With my past coming back to haunt me) They often both link with one another.

~

I don't really want to post this because I know the questions will come from the few friends that read this blog but I need to let it out.
Thank goodness for my day off today.

x
chauie

'How come, how long, its not right, it's so wrong. Do we let it just go on? Turn our backs and carry on. Wake up, for it's too late' - How Come, How Long by Babyface & Stevie Wonder

Stalker?

What an interesting night.
Do you think I still fancy you?
In someway or another
Coz the both of you were quite guarded
Saying hello was so awkward
Kiss on the cheek or high-five?
You obviously couldn't decide
But I wonder if it was because she was right there..?
And even when you did lean in, her actions showed that she was protecting you
From what?
Me?
Listen here mate, I'm over you.
Sometimes I feel as though I hate you.
I know that hate is a strong word but when I think back on the past (and I know I shouldn't)
The reality is you treated me like shit
And I didn't deserve it
So I think I have the right to feel some hate towards you

I found it even funnier when you had to leave and you were telling everyone where you were going
Yet when you said goodbye to me, you simply said you had to be "somewhere"
Like you were scared of telling me the details..
What are you afraid of?
Did you think I was going to follow you and stalk you?
Get over yourself mate.
I could think of a million things better to do with my time
Like going home!

As for her, we talked last night...
And I was sober so I remember the whole conversation
I don't really care what's going on anymore
I just hope she's careful and that you don't treat her the way you treated me.

Out.
chauie
'Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running. A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you. More than you, more than you know' - Daughtry, Over You

Catch Up?

We were meant to catch up the other night
Her and I
But I don't know if I could have faced her
Alone.
After what happened..
But then it didn't go ahead
And I knew, in a sense, because of what he said
But I thought I'd ask anyway, playing dumb and all
He told us you both were going on a date
Even if neither of you want to admit that you're together
We all know already
It was pretty obvious to all whom were there
Now it's just time for the announcement - will it be her or him who speaks

Despite all that, I had a fabolous night
Finally chopped off my hair, then met up with a girlfriend for dinner and a glass of wine.

I really hope things take a turn now.
One for the positive
One that is in the present (love you Ann!)

Sleepy now,
x
chauie
"To change I must first wholly accept the present moment. This moment, as it is, is perfect." - TDL

The Truth Came Out..

So Friday night, my friends and I went out with the intention of getting our friend "hammered"..
I didn't think that things would take a bad turn and I would be the one smashed!

I guess it was just an emotional day all-round what with what had happened at work earlier that day (check out my previous post) and then seeing someone turn up with her friends but getting completely snobbed by her. Instead, she made a beeline for the boy she's with now and was just hanging all over him everytime I saw her.

I think that's what made me throw in the towel. It was all too much.
Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...

I guess I thought that being with my friends and having a good night out would pick up my mood but no - it didn't. It kind of worsened when it hit me what was happening.
The things I was seeing all around me.
I started to feel alone and unhappy again.

The truth came out when I was in the ladies with a couple of girlfriends...
I didn't mean it to and although I keep telling myself and others I'm okay, when the truth came out, it completely revealed that I'm not. :(

Needless to say, my drunken state had me leaving early whilst the others kicked on til the early hours and whilst I did receive txts and missed calls from those who truly care about me the next day, my mind was not in the mood to talk. I couldn't even eat or sleep it off for a good portion of the entire day.
Maybe it was the hangover but I think it was something deeper...

x
chauie
'Here's where I stand, Here's who I am. Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be. Here's who I am, I'm what you see. You said I had to change and I was trying, But my heart was lying' - Here's Where I Stand, Tiffany Taylor

A Simple Question...

Due to family commitments this past (long) weekend, I didn't see any of my friends.
I probably could have met up with a few of them on a couple of the nights, but I chose not to.

Tonight I realised something:
hardly anyone ever asks how I am anymore.
Just me.
Not my work.
Not Acclaim
or any other writing projects I have on...

Is it that hard to ask such a simple question: 'How are you?' or 'How have you been?'

I don't get it.

On a sort of relevant note, I've started to clean out my Facebook friend list.

I'm starting to get tired of it.
All of it.

Out.
chauie
'You see the thing of it, Is we deserve respect. But we can't demand respect without change. There comes a time when we must go our own way' - Let It Flow, Toni Braxton

Muddled, Grey Thoughts

The days in Sydney have been grey lately
And my mood has unfortunately matched its hue
Some days I just feel alone.
And on those days I want to blame you
Not alone, in the sense of having a partner
But alone in the world
Days when I feel no-one understands
No-one is reaching for my hand
Telling me all will be okay..

Sometimes I wonder why
I am this way
Quiet, shy, secretive
Independent
But I still care about what other people think
I don't know why I still do
Well actually I do: it was all because of my horrific experience in high-school

After I left and found myself reflecting upon it, I realised that all girls are catty bitches looking for drama and a piece of gossip and all guys are jerks who just want to date every girl who walks onto the basketball court.

I don't talk to anyone from High-School anymore coz I realised they all treated me like shit.
It was really hard for me to let people in after that.
It still is.
That's why I'm so quiet when I meet someone new.
I just tend to keep to myself.
You can call it shy
I call it careful:
not wanting to make the same mistake twice.
not wanting to get burnt again...

x
chauie
'Is anyone out there willing to listen. I'm kind of worried about the world that we live in. It's time to stand up but everyone's sitting' - Am I All Alone, Suai

Existence

I was sitting in class earlier tonight and I started having second thoughts about it all.
But I think it went further than just me not wanting to be in class.
It was more about whether I should be here at all.

My existence.

Would it really matter to anyone if I was here or not?
If I disappeared for a week, how long would it take you to realise that I was missing?
If I shut off my phone and left my emails unread, what would happen?
What would you do?
Would you know if I had gone into hiding?

I don't see a lot of people on a regular basis. I have 300+ friends on Facebook and I see maybe 10% of them on a weekly basis. I reckon I could go on living life for about a month and end up only seeing 10 and that's only because of the people I work with.

But for some 'friends', though they say they'll keep in touch, there have hardly been any signs o that being true: no missed calls, no emails, no txt msgs.. not even a comment on my wall to say 'Hi'...

Next week, I'm on a two-week break from class and I've decided to really re-assess my life.
Taking the advice of my workmate, I'm going to re-assess the 'friends' I have too.

It feels like it's time for a change.

Chopping my hair off.
Re-assessing my life.
Organising my home-life.
Re-assessing my friends.
Changing my attitude.

I hope doing these abovementioned things will push me and give me an extra dose of much-needed confidence.
I went to a workshop at work today and leaving this particular session, left me with three key things that I needed to do. One of which was: "LEARN TO SAY NO!"

I'm out.
x
chauie
'I don't go with yesterday no more (Ooh). Now I'm feeling free (I'm feeling free). Today tomorrow told me (What it say?). That's where I should be (That's where I should be)' - T.O.N.Y, Solange Knowles

My Status

Everyone is all coupled up.
Whether it be with their partner, a friend or family.
Everyone is in twos.
If this were happening to me last week, I probably would have walked away by now feeling a little depressed, but this week, I've found myself thinking in a new perspective - especially when it comes to love.
I've always been unlucky in love and I always used to care.
About my relationship status and what other people thought when I told them I was unattached. Especially with friends.
Some don't care.
Others feel the need to push me to every random cute and single boy they see.
It can get quite frustrating at times and though most times, you'll find me playing along..
Deep down, I wasn't happy with what was happening.
The situations and conversations I would find myself in...
I can't even find the words to describe the way I was feeling within those moments but it was far more than awkward.
I think I'm feeling this way, at this point in time, because of a certain boy who's recently entered my life.
But as bad as it sounds, his actions have had me running away rather than into his arms..

Just you wait though - knowing me, my mood will switch up again next week.
Til then.

Peace yo.
x
chauie

You Think You Know Someone...

But you really don't.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I was on Facebook earlier and saw that one of my best friends is celebrating his birthday next month...

The thing is, the news of the event was in my News Feed. I didn't exactly get an invite for it.

There's an option to view it and then "Request an Invite" but how desperate would it look if I did that?

I don't know whether to hold a grudge and make my own plans 'on the night' or what...

As someone's best friend, wouldn't you expect to be at least top 5 on their invite list?

Whatever. I'm going out for some retail therapy even though I should be saving for my US trip.
This piece of news just has me feeling so... argh!

Out.
chauie

Glum.

Ever since you got back to Sydney we haven't had a proper conversation.

Not properly.

The way we used to.

Even online.

I'll message you - but nothing

And I know you're there.

But the only things I've received from you are hugs.

But then I also know / realise that you'd rather spend your free time with the new person in your life.

Coz when you don't have free time, you're either at work or asleep or doing your community activities.

And that's fine.

But I miss you.

I miss our chats.

I miss your advice and your words of encouragement.

The picture has nothing to do with this post.

It was taken in Melbourne..

I'm just bored.

And feeling a little glum..

Out.

chauie

Melbourne Boy

Met with a guy in Melbourne on a night out
And though we've met before
Briefly last time I was in town
This time we got to know each other better
And it was time spent in an intimate setting
The chemistry between us was crazy
He literally sent shivers through me
Each time he spoke to me... and his breath hit my skin,
My body felt goosebumps
I don't know if it was the exciting vibe of the night
The alcohol that was flowing
Or the things he said and the way he looked at me
But each time we were in conversation, the chemistry just kept rising - that was one thing I knew for sure.

The funny thing is, he is the opposite of what I'm usually attracted to...

x
chauie

Update: Balance

I've had a really good 24 hours.

I planned to do nothing this weekend, but last night, I went over to a mate's place and watched him and one of my best mates make beats and experiment with their DJ equipment. It was pretty crazy to watch and listen to whilst I was lost in my own thoughts.

I've been a little paranoid with one of my mates thinking he was pissed at me but last night we hung out / chilled / vibed and talked and it was just like old times.

It was something that I was definitely missing.

After last night, I feel like my life has reached somewhat of a balance.

Before last night, I had hardly seen any of my friends face-to-face for almost a month coz of all the craziness that had been happening - re: work, friends, writing, planning, family. But last night, it was good to see my best mate and not have any animosity or tension between us.

Anyways I've got a busy week ahead of me: concerts, class, work and my mini holiday to Melbourne! Can't wait!

- Going to check out Lupe Fiasco tonight at the Enmore and Jimmy Eat World tuesday night. Don't know if I'll do any reviews on either gigs but we'll see what happens.
- Class and work is part of my normal schedule although I'll want to speed through those hours hehe
- Thursday I jump on a plane to head down to Melbourne for a trip that will be both business and pleasure :)

Oh by the way, finally saw (one of my favourite artists) Kid Cudi live and whilst it probably wasn't the best time of my life, I'm still happy I got to experience it! Hopefully he'll come back soon and do some shows. Fingers crossed in the meantime.

As for that guy whom has recently entered in my life and could be a potential? Things are going alright for the moment and whilst I haven't told many people about it... I'm okay with things for now. At the moment, if things don't work out... I think I'll be okay. Key word: think haha

Anyways I'm outta here.
Gotta get ready and stuff.
Peace and love yo.
x
chauie

The Result of Too Much Wine

So sometime last month, I was catching up with an old friend over too many glasses of wine at the hotel she was staying at and we were talking about everything from our careers to family, friends and of course the opposite sex. For some reason, that topic always gets saved for last hehe ;)

The weekend after she left and went back to her interstate home, she emailed me and confessed that at one point of the night, I had left the room to take a call or gone to the bathroom or something and so she decided to have some fun and so jumped on my Facebook and, well for those of you who have a Facebook account, you'd know that often Facebook suggests which people you should befriend because you have "mutual friends"... (How convenient that she decided to confess after she left Sydney!)

Well she added a whole bunch of random boys that she thought was cute coz she, like everyone else in my life, thinks i've been single long enough. As if Facebook is the perfect way to start LOL

Anyways... she didnt know who she added or how I could get rid of the requests... but after I got angry at her, I googled it and I sent out a mass message to all these "pending friend requests" kinda telling them about my friend, how she was under the influence and that they could ignore the request, but if they wanted to add me, then that that was fine and that I'm not a crazy lunatic hehe

So one guy added me and I randomly sent him a Facebook msg saying thanks and asked a simple question - breaking the ice so to speak - coz let's face it, I was feeling bad for not making an effort to get to know him. I didn't expect a reply back but surprisingly when I logged on today, he had replied and needless to say, a small smile appeared on my face.

Also wanna give a quick shoutout to two good friends on their engagement! Keeping my lips sealed on their names as they haven't announced it yet hehe :0)

x
chauie

The Friend Zone

She likes you
And I'm not talking about me
But even if I were to tell you
You'd think I was crazy
It's pretty obvious
By the words that she speaks
I'm sure she wants more
When she kisses your cheeks
It doesn't seem like you're doing much
When you're working together
But I'm sure you talk about lots of things
Other than the weather
I've seen the photos
I've seen the look on her face
I bet she was wishing
She was in your embrace
But you're so clueless
And she can't tell you a thing
Coz she's scared of your reaction
And doesn't wanna end up as a fling

I kinda lied earlier when I said it wasn't me
But only when I meant she's not alone, she's not the only one
And now I'm scared
To let my feelings become undone
I've had my eye on you for awhile now
But you never would have known
Coz I analyse my moves too much
For fear I'll end up in the friend zone
I haven't seen you since that last time
And I hate the feeling of not being aware
Do you like me or do you not?
To ask this question, I do not dare
Coz I am scared
Of what may become
I'll be biting my nails
Waiting for the outcome
Coz what if your answer is my worst nightmare
What will happen then?
I guess all I really wanna know is
When will be the next time that I'll see you again?
Coz it's been way too long
Since the last time we locked eyes
I wish I had answered you back
That night when you said hi
But I walked away for a second
Hoping you'd still be there when I got back
But you weren't in the place where you once were sitting
And I was left in a room that was almost pitch black

I was inspired to write in this format after watching too many Def Jam Poetry clips online - anyways I hope you like it. Sorry for the length - I was in my element :)
Peace yo!
chauie
'From the day I saw you, I really really want to catch your eye. There's something special 'bout you. I must really like you, Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time' - You Don't Know My Name, Alicia Keys

Re-Connecting

This past week has been up and down for me. I had a feeling my good news would come to a halting stop. I knew there was a reason why I never really shared good news with anyone before, not just friends but family and workmates too.

The first 4 and a half days of the working week was great! Everything seemed to be smooth sailing and it was making me feel glad that I was still in January. I say "and a half" because the morning of Thursday was a morning filled with gossip and giggling whilst emailing a girlfriend of mine about the opposite sex. Very funny :P

But all good things must come to an end right?

Let's just say I copped a bit of critique about my work and although, I'm all well and good now after having a few days to myself, at the time I was really upset. Especially for the fact that it just kept coming, one after the other.

It was hard being at work too coz I couldn't really show what I was truly feeling. I wanted to scream! I wanted to throw my crackberry at the monitor then throw the monitor out the window. All I could do was go to the bathroom and shed a few tears there...

I know it was constructive criticism but I was happy with what I had done and when I saw who the caller was, I thought they'd be sharing in my happy news. But no. It was quite the opposite.

I felt so shitty with myself that I almost skipped the farewell dinner but the girl whom we were saying goodbye too was not at fault. It was me. So I went to dinner but left pretty soon afterwards. I only said goodbye to her and I know what everyone else was thinking.

I saw the expression on the faces and the surprise in their voices. But I'm sure they got over it five minutes later.

But on Friday, I came into work, on 4 hours of sleep, and didn't show any signs of unhappiness, anger or the like, somehow someone knew that I wasn't feeling all like myself. She asked me one question that morning that turned my whole (true) mood around.

The night before, friends had asked how work was that day, and I answered what they had asked about - work. They didn't ask about my day or how I was. They asked about work and so I kept the answer relating to work.

Later that day (Friday) though, I received a surprise email from my cousin from the States and after emailing her back and forth, she told me that she was glad that we were re-connecting again and those are the words that left me forgetting about the previous day's events. They just didn't matter anymore.

We were emailing each other all day about everything, especially future plans and I'm really excited for what's to come. She had me seeing things from a different perspective but in all honesty, when I do have a bad day, all I need is a few days of "me" time and I'll be alright.

People in my life who think they know me but don't just need to know that. It's one of the more important things about me and my personality.

Peace.
x
chauie

Vice

I was out with friends for a girlfriend's farewell but I left the night early, hoping to catch up on some sleep and re-collect my thoughts on the train ride home alone. Whilst I managed to do the latter, it's almost 1am and I don't feel the least bit tired.

I don't know what's wrong.
Maybe there's too many thoughts in my head
And so therefore I feel that I cannot
And will not
Be able to sleep until my thoughts are clear.

At times like these
Like the one I'm experiencing at this very moment
I wish I had a vice
Somehow release my thoughts and emotions through it
Take my stress away through a puff of smoke
Or perhaps a swig of alcohol

You may not have been yelling at me
But I could hear the judgment in your voice.
That's why I could not speak whilst we were on the phone
Hearing and knowing your reaction of my written words
Scared me for what may have come had I spoken any words.

I love how I can switch my mood
My mindset
When I walk through the door
Everyone's oblivious
And no-one notices a thing
I'm the invisible individual
No-one asks me how I am
Or notices that I've been crying for the past hour...

Whatever.
I guess I just have to remind myself that I'm the odd one out.
In every aspect of my life...

I miss her!
I wish she was here right now.
She'd know what to say...

All mixed emotions in this post. Gonna try and rest.
My mind may not be clear but my body needs sleep.

Nite yo
chauie
'In the room full of people feels like no one's around. Got your head in the clouds and your feet are off the ground', How It Feels Like To Fly, Alicia Keys

Genuine Smile

The more I see you
It seems as though you're growing on me
But that doesn't make things
Any less awkward
And I still don't find you attractive
As harsh as that sounds

I couldn't say hi to you
In fact I avoided you like the plague
But I was able to wave goodbye
With a genuine smile

Confused?
So am I..

~
I just found out you're a bit of a man-whore.
Forget you.
Bye bye.


Random piece I know lol
x
chauie