Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

Mute.

I wrote this Tuesday night on the train on the way home from work and after a long day of trying to de-stress my mind and thoughts.

Silence.
I feel so mute at the moment.
My heart is beating twice as usual but not because I'm excited.
Moreso stressed than anything else.
Today I felt like I was swimming against the tide
It felt almost like I was drowning
Within the waters
Which instead of the ocean was a mountain of paperwork.
No matter how much I tried to get done, my to-do pile was not diminishing
I've told my manager what's been going on
The causes of my stress
Or rather the one person who contributes a large amount to my stress
Conveniently that person is on leave at the moment
I've spoken to my manager about how I feel but it seems I've just left her with a bunch of words stringed together into sentences because no action has been taken.
Yet.
Maybe when she comes back from leave.
Maybe.
But I doubt it.

Peace yo
x
chauie

Some people turn into bitches...

And some people are just born bitches!

So what's goin on?

Today at work the same girl who almost had me quitting my job a few weeks ago, hit another nerve in me...

A couple of things that she's done this week:
1. She had a task and logged a help task for me, so me and my manager worked out an answer that afternoon and so we were ready to push it back to her. Next day she calls in sick so I had to do that part of the task for her. And then today I push it back to her and apparently she "called the adviser but he didnt pick up" so I told her to pend the task for Monday and so she was like "oh... but will you know what to say? coz I wont be here"

Isn't it fucking convenient that she just happens to be on Annual Leave next week?
Man that girl is so lazy! She will do anything to get out of doing extra work or avoid conflict.
So now as the only other equally skilled person in the team, I have to take on her extra work as well as trying to complete my own! .. And you wonder why I broke down at work last month...

Like I said... fucking bitch!

And then about an hour ago,
2. Me and my workmate next to me were talking about a task and I was asking him for help just quietly. She sits about 3m away and all of a sudden she's coming over to offer her opinion on what I should do - which was wrong anyway! I know she was trying to help, but she was getting it all wrong!!!

It's one thing to listen in on a private conversation, but if you don't know what we are, or you yourself, are talking about, then please just shut up!

That girl honestly makes me pull my hair out and want to get drunk so I can just forget it all.
Sometimes, she makes me wanna take a gun and... either shoot her or shoot myself so I no longer have to deal with her.

Funnily enough, I'm cutting my hair on Thursday and going out for drinks with friends tonight.

Almost time to leave the office.
Enjoy the weekend!

x
chauie
'Man, I told you, you know, if I find her, I really, I, I mean, I'll kill her, for real!' - I'll Kill Her, SoKo

Work and Stuff.

Yesterday I had my quarterly review with my manager and I told her exactly how I was feeling.

How I've been feeling.

Basically I lay out all the cards on the table.

Of course, this lead to a little breakdown but I'm okay now. Well today anyway.

It was just good to finally get things off my chest about all the pressure and the workload and whilst sometimes it's my fault - taking on more than i can handle and such - for the most part, it's other people.

Ugh. Someone get me another job please.

x
chauie

Here's A Crazy Thought..

Went to a meeting today with the rest of the team and we watched a video at the end - it was supposed to motivate us to provide better customer service to our clients and stuff like that - but the main message I got from it was that you need to be working in a place that makes you happy and makes you wanna get out of bed every morning.

I went to back to my desk thinking with the feeling that the video affected me in the opposite way it would have affected the rest of my team.

I'm not happy at my current job.

You'd think after being there for years, things would be all gravy, but no.

Everyone acts supportive but when you look underneath, they all just kind of wanna bring you down. It's a bit fucked up.

All I could think about all day was turning up tomorrow and saying this:

On that note, I'm out.
chauie

Chinese New Year: Year of the Tiger

February 14 may have been Valentine's Day for a lot of you, but for me, it marked the date of the beginning of Chinese New Year.

Not like I have a significant other, so I was completely fine with the fact that the day clashed with the Hallmark holiday. Some people in my family were less than pleased... lol

So I've decided as my (Chinese) new year's resolution to rid myself of the old and welcome the new. Now this shall/could be applied to every aspect of my life: friends, work, love.. and especially old habits.

I've decided that it's time for me to let go of the past and embrace the future. I really hope I can do it.

Plus, this year celebrated the Year of the Tiger (which I am), so I really hope 2010 is the year for me.

My mum read my Chinese horoscope for me for the next 12 months and whilst there are some good points there, there's also some sour months. The good points are directed towards my career and work but I want 2010 to bring luck to me in other elements.

Either way, the Chinese horoscope is usually on point every year for me and my family so I hope those good things do happen...

Til then, guess I just gotta take it one day at a time.
Peace yo.
chauie

Paranoid

Why are people so nosey?
Why are they so paranoid?

I was having a conversation with my manager about the work that we do and when I returned to my desk, I received an instant message from one of my co-workers asking if we were talking about him?

I'm the youngest in my team and I've never seen a collective of people so concerned about the ongoing conversations.
I'm 23 and 80% of my team are over the age of thirty.

I admit, my team has a few gossipers but somehow it's not alright if they hear, or think they hear, people talking about them.
Sad, isn't it?

People talk.
If they have an opinion, they'll express it.
You can't control what is spoken.
You can't choose whether it's positive or negative.

I'm over this workplace.
More now than ever!

Ah.. it's only midday. Still got five hours left to survive here. Joy.

Peace yo.
chauie
'Why are you so paranoid? Don't be so paranoid. Don't be so....Baby don't worry about it. Lady don't even think about it. You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things' - Paranoid, Kanye West

January Update

I haven't really been blogging in regards to updates as of late and so I decided to do one (or two) on a monthly basis just so I can drone on and on hehe. Sure the poems are a little insight into my life but they're more cryptic versions... pieces with no names mentioned, which is the way I like them. :)

So I thought I'd have this post and possibly the next one be a little more of the detailed updates - not of the poetry kind.

First off things are really taking off for me. 2010 is the year where I wanted to apply for an internship to get my writing career kick-started and whatnot (It was one of my goals for 2010). Like I said previously, the TAFE marks that I received were awesome and I feel like they were just the thing I needed to give me that push for me to keep doing what I'm doing. Like it was a sign for me to take that next step in achieving my dream, as corny as that sounds...

Last night I went to a farewell for my best friend, a close girlfriend and another mate and instead of all the sad stories and reminiscing, we all took it as a time to catch up and quickly say what we wanted to say until the time we would see each other again.

I admit there were tears when I gave my close girlfriend a card with what I wanted to say to her. I've never been one to say words out loud, in a sense, and the affect that what was written on the card had on her was exactly what I wanted - needless to say there were a little bit of tears and a few hugs. Gonna miss you my dear and will never forget how we first met :) I know you're coming back but that'll be a while yet. xx

My best friend is leaving sooner than ever and I probably didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked to but we caught up and I know she's coming back before I realise how quickly the time has passed. I swear, if she was leaving indefinitely, I probably would have cried a puddle of tears last night but she's going on a big adventure in the next few months and a well-deserved holiday at that! Love you D. xx

As if our group didn't have only a few girls already... now two more are leaving. Boo!

Okay enough of sad news... onto the good!

So like I said at the beginning, I feel like 2010 is going to be my year, career-wise that is, and the past 2-3 weeks has already proven that to me. First off, I talked to my manager about wanting to apply for an internship this year and I wanted to get her thoughts on that. My manager and I are pretty close as far as work relationships go and I'm so glad I received the approval from her to 'go for it'. She knows that I want to move on from my current role and she expects it. Actually, she expected me to move on a while ago hehe

So good news #1.

#2: This may have been a big sign but when I walked out of that meeting (with my manager), I received an email from [Melbourne magazine] Acclaim - it was one of their weekly newsletters - and the content within it was that they were looking for interns! I was a little hesitant in applying coz the internship would be in Melbourne and if I were to get it I would have to figure out a whole bunch of things - i.e flights, leave, accomodation, etc.

I talked to one of my good mates asking for advice and he said to just go for it so I thought it over myself and decided to take the advice of him and my manager and applied.

#3: Got home and received my TAFE marks for the last semester, which if you guys read my blog often, you'll know what I got. Otherwise refer to previous post - 'Results'.

#4: A few days later, I received an email from Mariam, Digital Editor for Universal Music Australia, and I totally forgot that I had randomly applied for this role and well basically her news was that she was happy to have me on as a reviewer for one of their sister sites. This gig is unpaid but in exchange I get free CDs (on a fortnightly basis) and hopefully and eventually, concert tickets. Fingers crossed!

#5: The week after, I received an email from [sub-editor of Acclaim] Alex, letting me know that whilst they couldn't offer me the internship because of the whole location thing, she suggested that I write for the site/blog instead! I was stoked! Even if the role is unpaid, for the moment, the more important thing to me is getting the experience and the exposure. Check out my pieces at www.acclaimmag.com and look out for the BY line hehe :0)

This has been my first week at writing for Acclaim and I'm loving it. At the farewell last night, I had all my friends telling me how proud they were of me! Soo happy! Ah it feels so good to be loved hehe which kind of contradicts what that fortune teller told me last weekend...

Well I'm gonna end this post right here but dont worry, my next update will be about that fortune teller haha

Enjoy the weekend!
Peace yo.
x
chauie

Avoiding You

Things will never be the same
Between you and I.

I asked you for help and you replied in a way
That felt like you were critiquing me

I thought we had sorted out our differences
But I guess I was wrong
I knew your 'nice' behaviour
Wouldn't last too long

That's why I kept my guard up
And never disclosed anything personal to you.
Short answers
No open ended questions

If you've been keeping a blind eye
Well here's the latest news:
I'm avoiding you

Your response made me feel as if
I should never ask you for help again
As though I can't.

Don't you know that
someone asking you for help
is a compliment in a way?

In the sense that we're acknowledging
the amount of knowledge you have.

But if you don't wanna share that skill and information,
then feel free to be rude, selfish and bitchy
in your own pitiful world

In a venting mood,
chauie
'You put on quite a show. Really had me going. But now it's time to go, Curtain's finally closing' - Take A Bow, Rihanna

Happy New Year yo!

2009 has ended and 2010 has officially started and I think it's the perfect time for all of us (me, especially) to let go of all we know so we can grow. May it be the bad or the good, we shouldn't let our past define us.

I want to re-enter this world as a twenty-three year old with a different outlook on life. I want to welcome the perspectives of others before I make major (or drastic) decisions concerning my own happiness and well-being.

But in saying that, at the end of the day I want to make a decision (whether it be good or bad, right or wrong) on my own and if it happens to be the wrong one, I want to learn from the mistake and not repeat that same (bad) decision twice.

2010 may only have started but there a couple of things that have been said and some may have started at the end of 2009 that may linger onto 2010 that have me excited for what's to come in the near future.

I want to have a more open mind in the future.

I know I can't completely change my mindset and that there will be a lot of times when I'll stay true to myself and the person I am but for the most part, I'd like to have a more open mind and give certain individuals a chance if the time and place calls for it.

Like I've mentioned in a previous post, there are handful of goals that I'd like to achieve this year. They're not necessarily my New Year's Resolution(s), but just a list of goals that I hope to achieve by 31 Dec 2010. Granted, all of them may not be achieved but I've got at least one goal for every part of my life - work, study, friends, family and me.

Some are long-term and I know personally that I will not complete some of these goals by 31 Dec but I'd like to try and get started on it if time permits me to.

Anyhow, I'll stop here for now - they'll be plenty more to write in 2010 and I'm looking forward to it! :)

May we all have a great 2010 ahead of us!
Happy New Year yo!

Thanks for reading/following/dropping by whenever you have a moment,
x
chauie

The Odd One Out

It's two days before 2010 and I'm anxious to find out what the year has in store for me.
I turned 23 (approximately) two weeks ago and it seems like things are already taking a positive turn for me.
Since the night of my birthday dinner, it's like I've woken up even more in a sense.
I have a handful of personal goals that I'd like to acheive by 31 Dec 2010.
But even if I only achieved one of those goals and complete it whole-heartedly, I'd be happy.

2009 was the year thay begun the search of being my own person...
I stood up against my parents and told them what I wanted.
After 22 years, they had to know me by now right?
Sometimes that statement feels like the exact opposite.
But as much as my family want me to be like them in life, share the same attributes and whatnot, for the first time I don't mind being the odd one out.
I don't mind not being the one that doesn't fit in.
I don't mind being misunderstood.

I've felt the feeling of it for years now but now I feel I can finally accept it.
I know my opinions and thoughts have always been different to those of my family members and relatives and at this moment, I'm honestly okay with it.

Peace and love,
chauie

Gem

This week has been a real gem... I don't know if I'm being sarcastic with that word but let's just say it's a little bit of truth and sarcasm.

Two major assessments are done and have been handed in.
Finito.
It's left my hands
The weight has been lifted.
After two nights of barely any sleep...
After days of stressing and underestimation of time..
After hours of procrastination,
I can finally breathe a sigh of relief
*phew! :)

On the other hand...

Yesterday was a real winner. *cue sarcasm now*
Got into work early to leave early only finding out when I got in that the girl I asked to stay back called in sick. What a coincidence!
So I stayed back an hour.
Left the office just after 5.
Got to the train station and the trains had broken down.
Walked 45 minutes to get to a station with working trains in 38 degree weather.
Yay...

If you havent yet noticed, this post is just a vent.

I'm out - for now.
chauie
'Close my eyes and move to the back of my head. Where worries are washed out to sea' - Yesterday's Feelings, The Used

Breaking Point

Last week I experienced one of my most worst weeks at work.
It was stressful and tiring.
So much so, I remember that on the Wednesday, I knew I had hit my breaking point of stress when I felt tears coming on.

You must understand something - my work never stresses me out.
In the two years I've worked there, everything has become quite simple once you learn all the tasks in the team.
Nothing is seen as a challenge and I find myself bored most of the time.

But last week, maybe it dawned on me that my (best) friend had left.
Maybe it was the fact that everyone else who held the same level of skills as I (or higher) had been smart and made the first move to leave the team.
And so maybe the realisation hit me when I discovered that all that responsibility had been put on my shoulders and I just didn't know how to handle it all.

It came all at once and honestly it was all a little bit too much.
Part of it scared me.
Part of it stressed me out.
Part of it loved that my manager recognised and acknowledged my ability to take on that responsibility.

The question is, can I do it?

(Needless to say, I treated myself and went away for the weekend interstate and although the stress went away for the weekend, I came back to work Monday morning and part of me felt that that stress was still there...)

x
chauie
'I've never faced so many emotional days', - I'm Feeling You, Santana ftg The Wreckers

Saying Goodbye... and Saying Hello?

Friday night, I went out with a bunch of people from work for my best friend's (from work) farewell. Me and K.S started the exact same day just over two years ago. She's not only my colleague, but over the past 24 months, she's become one of my best friends and my confidante. Always there for me when I was having a bad day - whether it was work related or personal - and vice versa.

We had a professional friendship/relationship together but outside the office - outside the normal office hours of the 9-f day-to-day routine - we had an even greater friendship. Our morning coffees every morning is something I'll definitely miss. That was the time we would go upstairs together and although the morning break only lasted ten minutes, twenty max; in that space of time we managed to catch each other up on things happening in our lives, whether they were big or small.

Shout-out to K: I love you and I'll miss you... but we'll be emailing each other indefinitely. It'll just be hard not to see your smiling face everyday, sitting only a few metres away from me :)

~

So back to the Friday night, K decided to stay behind at our local pub with her boy, and so the rest of the tipsy individuals that are my workmates decided to kick on into the city. On a last minute whim, me and my girlfriend decided to join them too.

The AM's had an outing planned to go to Strike Bowling (at least I thought it was bowling) and they invited us girls to join them. We went along and arrived late to find them in a Karaoke Room instead belting out the likes of Aqua's 'Barbie Girl' and Jet's 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl?'... (true story and no comment haha)

I didn't join in on any of the singing but decided to kick it towards the back of the room, sipping my cocktail and laughing at those who were already drunk and acting rowdy. That's what MLC is all about sometimes, isn't it? Or should I say, all the time?

I always say that in order for you to work at our office, you gotta know how to knock back more than a drink or two :) It should be a requirement when managers check your resumes.. hehe

I should mention that I got a half-kiss from someone at Strike... half-kiss meaning half on the lips, half on the cheek. Don't know if it was intentional but I know he was rather inebriated. No names mentioned here... Sorry. :P

Next stop: Bungalow 8

By now, it was pouring rain but we walked it anyway, with only one small umbrella in hand and over our heads, down the Wharf to the club. I was the only one asked for ID, which is fine coz I was the youngest one there that night hehe and even the bouncer made a comment, saying to the others, 'Do me a favour guys, (pointed to me) and don't put baby in the corner'! haha

Got introduced to a few new people and found myself saying hello and conversing with a rather cute guy. His name started with J. I'll just give you a quick rundown of it - think of it as a combination of the following and not happening in this order either: conversation, smiles, lots of alcohol, tickling, grabbing of the waist, hugging, hand-holding, and heaps of flirting.

No digits exchanged but it was fun.
Coz I felt like all eyes were on me that night which is a nice - rare, but nice - feeling...
And I'm not just talking about the boy whose name starts with J... :P

I'm outtie.
Maybe more tonight.
Off to celebrate my nephew's 1st bday :)

Enjoy the long weekend!
I unfortunately have to work tomorrow.. yay... go me.. not.

x
chauie.
'The look on your face, Anyone can see, No-one does it like me' - Can't Nobody, Kelly Rowland

My Dream...

At a 13itches meeting a couple of weeks ago, there was a spring of ideas that came out that we would ultimately like to see ourselves doing. And one of them got me really excited - it's actually one of the original ideas for starting the 13itches brand in the first place and also one of the reasons I wanted to take part and be apart of this brand! That said, I guess you're all wondering now what exactly this exciting idea is hmm?

Well it's nothing new and original but it's exciting to me because ultimately when I'm able to hit that stage of my life, I want to be able to work in this field. Basically the plan is for (in future) 13itches to bring out a magazine. Right now, the idea was to bring it out as an online magazine and that's perfectably understandable as the Internet (and technology itself) nowadays is taking over basically anything that we can hold in our hands physically.

The use of a pen and paper has been taken over by a keyboard and Microsoft Word. And whilst all that is fine with getting out words quicker than usual as they are typed out across the page, there's something I still love about taking out my notebook, holding a pen in my hand and letting the ink do all the talking and expressing my thoughts.

Many of you may not know this, but most of my posts are written down on paper and pen before I am able to get to a computer to transfer my thoughts here on this blog. :)

Anyways, my point of this post is that I ultimately want to be working in the world of magazines. Not for the styling of fashion shoots, not for the interviewing of celebrities, for being a photo whore or scoring freebies at exclusive events, but simply for the writing aspect of it. To see my name in print. To see the "By Line" at the end of an article.

I really hope that 13itches sees through this idea. Coz this is one idea I will fight for if there seems to be any thoughts of throwing this idea away..

Til then, I shall dream on... :)

Peace yo.
chauie
'Victory's within the mind. Almost there, don't give up now.' - Run This Town, Jay-Z ftg Rihanna & Kanye West

You Know What?

You know what sucks?

The feeling you get when you hear people talking about you when your back is turned.

My desk is five metres away from the two people whom think they're talking quietly but it's not a great feeling when you hear your name being whispered multiple times through the cracks...

To you both, I say a big Fuck You.

If you have a problem with me or the work that I do or how I do it, then talk to me quietly.
Drag me into a meeting room, sit me down and tell it to me straight.

Don't go back to all those high-school ways and whisper my name, acting like I don't exist.

The loud music I blast may fool you coz my hearing is actually better than you think.

From now on, I shall refer to you both as Bitch and Bastard.

Wanting to cry (but I rarely show my emotions at work),
chauie
'Oh, They want me to fall (fall). Fall from the top (top). They want me to drop (drop). They want me to stop (stop). They want me to go (go). I'm already gone (already)' - Already Home, Jay-Z ftg Kid Cudi

Funny Conversation Between a Colleague and I

I never thought anyone was that stupid... :P
Now I've seen and read it all.

Adam : how do u pronounce geoff
Adam : is it same as jeff
Chau : yes lol
Chau : did you think it was G - OFF? lol
Adam : cool,, thanks
Adam : yeaaa,, how u know...?

I just had to save this conversation and post it somewhere so here you go :)

So tired..
chauie

Team Meeting

I was sitting in my team meeting today and I completely blanked out for the majority of the entire period of time.

It's wierd but it felt like I was on crack or high or something even though I don't do drugs but it just felt like I wasn't there.

My body was there but my mind was elsewhere... daydreaming and floating off into the clouds somewhere...

In that moment, I knew that I was in the wrong role.

I really shouldn't be here.
I really don't want to be here.

I have no interest in the work I do anymore.

It's been two years.
It's about damn time I moved on.

What else do I have going for me?

I gotta get outta here.
I gotta escape.

Peace.
chauie
'I've given so much in the past for a love I never had' - Through With Love, Destiny's Child

Funny Observation

It's funny that when the manager turns her back, everyone talks a mile a minute. None of it work related of course but as soon as the manager walks back into the building, even when it's only a small break from her own training, silence washes over each and every one of us.

It's all about power yo...

Collapse..

Received some news this morning from my dear mother before I walked out the door..

I walked out without really thinking anything of it.

It wasn't until later in the day when I snapped at my friend and workmate that it started to hit me.

The realisation caused my heart to collapse.

I was really quiet for the longest time and one workmate thought I was stressing out over a particular task I was working on... but in reality, because my back was turned to him, I was crying... silently.

When he left his desk, I left mine and went to the bathroom and cried some more.

I spent the majority of what was supposed to be my lunchtime in the bathroom crying..

I ended up going out for a walk for the remainder of time I had left for lunch with my ipod blaring Kid Cudi. His lyrics filled me with a sense of calmness and I definitely felt like I wasn't alone.

~

Anyways came home after working eleven hours and it turns out the news wasn't as bad as it was made out to be. Guess I should know by now that usually hearing news through the grapevine and chinese whispers, things often tend to get exaggerated, especially with my family.

In a way though, I'm glad I was able to cry and let out all the emotions I was feeling for those few minutes but now that I know she's okay, I can safely say that I'm okay too. :)

Night yo.
chauie
'I just wanna let it go for the night. That would be the best therapy for me.' - Memories, David Guetta ftg Kid Cudi