Next Time

Orignially written on Monday 21/09/2009... have finally found the time to post it today.

~

It's taking all of my willpower to not break down and cry right now.
Right now I'm on the train and I can already feel multiple pairs of eyes on me, wondering what I'm writing about. Why am I concentrating so intently?
The reality is, I'm not concentrating at all. I'm just letting the pen glide my hand across the page.

How could something like this happen so quickly?
It's scary.
I hadn't seen her long before we received the call...

My hands are shaking, in fact I think my whole body is. But that's normal right - to react this way from the reel of the shock that's happened?
My world feels like it's turned... turning and spiralling downhill.
My heart is slowly breaking and I haven't slept enough to be able to survive today.
To be able to make it a productive day at work so that no-one suspects a thing...

Wake me up from this dream - this nightmare.
I pinch myself but nothing happens.

This wasn't supposed to happen. She's still young.
I remember the moments and laughs we shared during the month I spent with her family and 20 other family members in Vietnam (Jan 07). She was my substitute mum for the entire month... It was a good feeling to have knowing that my mother's younger sister cared for me like that.

The news is spreading, as I write this, to all our famiy across the world.
This news is surely going to shatter everyone who were lucky enough to get a chance to know her.

The tears didn't stop last night and I feel them coming on again as I write with Kid Cudi blasting in my ears.

My only regret is something I told myself I would do 'next time' but this was the next time and now it's too late.
I let history repeat itself.
I let it repeat because I couldn't find the nerve to open my mouth and speak the words I needed to say.

If I write a letter to her and place it in her casket at the funeral, do you think she'll be able to read it? I'm so much better writing worrds rather than speaking them. Through a letter, I'll be able to write the words I wasn't able to speak. I'll be able to write to my heart's content.

For all I know now, the sky has fallen and I don't want to continue this life.
Why couldn't I have been the one to go instead?

x
chauie
'Their tears are filling up their glasses. No expression, no expression. Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow.' - Mad World, Gary Jules