Realisation

I had a crazy day yesterday.
Some people just cease to amaze me in regards to the lengths of actions they'll take to avoid doing something that is 'hard'.
I admit I procrastinate a lot so it may take me a couple days to really face something challenging but if it has to be done that day, then ill do it.
Yesterday that girl started a new role within the team and an error occurred in the system.
Suck shit right? Figure out how to fix it.
Instead, she gets another guy in the team (whose last day is tomorrow by the way) to call up people to chase it up and find out what's wrong so that she can do whatever else was on her to-do list.
Poor guy and what a bitch.
It gets better though.
By lunch time, the system wasn't fixed and after no-one paying attention to her, she feigned sickness after eating something dodgy and goes home, leaving the rest of the team to do her dirty work.
Gr..
After all this though and class last night (yes, it was a long day!), I've realised something:
Do what you love.
Concentrate on people and projects that deserve your time.
That's all that really should matter.

Peace,
x
chauie
'Don't want to see you hear you, be anywhere near you, you probably think I'm threatened by you but your illusionary power doesn't threaten me. Actually I think it's kind of funny that you create an illusion that is a mirror, I don't appreciate you and I know that that surprises you' - Special Ones, George

Stalker?

What an interesting night.
Do you think I still fancy you?
In someway or another
Coz the both of you were quite guarded
Saying hello was so awkward
Kiss on the cheek or high-five?
You obviously couldn't decide
But I wonder if it was because she was right there..?
And even when you did lean in, her actions showed that she was protecting you
From what?
Me?
Listen here mate, I'm over you.
Sometimes I feel as though I hate you.
I know that hate is a strong word but when I think back on the past (and I know I shouldn't)
The reality is you treated me like shit
And I didn't deserve it
So I think I have the right to feel some hate towards you

I found it even funnier when you had to leave and you were telling everyone where you were going
Yet when you said goodbye to me, you simply said you had to be "somewhere"
Like you were scared of telling me the details..
What are you afraid of?
Did you think I was going to follow you and stalk you?
Get over yourself mate.
I could think of a million things better to do with my time
Like going home!

As for her, we talked last night...
And I was sober so I remember the whole conversation
I don't really care what's going on anymore
I just hope she's careful and that you don't treat her the way you treated me.

Out.
chauie
'Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running. A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you. More than you, more than you know' - Daughtry, Over You

Catch Up?

We were meant to catch up the other night
Her and I
But I don't know if I could have faced her
Alone.
After what happened..
But then it didn't go ahead
And I knew, in a sense, because of what he said
But I thought I'd ask anyway, playing dumb and all
He told us you both were going on a date
Even if neither of you want to admit that you're together
We all know already
It was pretty obvious to all whom were there
Now it's just time for the announcement - will it be her or him who speaks

Despite all that, I had a fabolous night
Finally chopped off my hair, then met up with a girlfriend for dinner and a glass of wine.

I really hope things take a turn now.
One for the positive
One that is in the present (love you Ann!)

Sleepy now,
x
chauie
"To change I must first wholly accept the present moment. This moment, as it is, is perfect." - TDL

Mute.

I wrote this Tuesday night on the train on the way home from work and after a long day of trying to de-stress my mind and thoughts.

Silence.
I feel so mute at the moment.
My heart is beating twice as usual but not because I'm excited.
Moreso stressed than anything else.
Today I felt like I was swimming against the tide
It felt almost like I was drowning
Within the waters
Which instead of the ocean was a mountain of paperwork.
No matter how much I tried to get done, my to-do pile was not diminishing
I've told my manager what's been going on
The causes of my stress
Or rather the one person who contributes a large amount to my stress
Conveniently that person is on leave at the moment
I've spoken to my manager about how I feel but it seems I've just left her with a bunch of words stringed together into sentences because no action has been taken.
Yet.
Maybe when she comes back from leave.
Maybe.
But I doubt it.

Peace yo
x
chauie

The Truth Came Out..

So Friday night, my friends and I went out with the intention of getting our friend "hammered"..
I didn't think that things would take a bad turn and I would be the one smashed!

I guess it was just an emotional day all-round what with what had happened at work earlier that day (check out my previous post) and then seeing someone turn up with her friends but getting completely snobbed by her. Instead, she made a beeline for the boy she's with now and was just hanging all over him everytime I saw her.

I think that's what made me throw in the towel. It was all too much.
Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...

I guess I thought that being with my friends and having a good night out would pick up my mood but no - it didn't. It kind of worsened when it hit me what was happening.
The things I was seeing all around me.
I started to feel alone and unhappy again.

The truth came out when I was in the ladies with a couple of girlfriends...
I didn't mean it to and although I keep telling myself and others I'm okay, when the truth came out, it completely revealed that I'm not. :(

Needless to say, my drunken state had me leaving early whilst the others kicked on til the early hours and whilst I did receive txts and missed calls from those who truly care about me the next day, my mind was not in the mood to talk. I couldn't even eat or sleep it off for a good portion of the entire day.
Maybe it was the hangover but I think it was something deeper...

x
chauie
'Here's where I stand, Here's who I am. Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be. Here's who I am, I'm what you see. You said I had to change and I was trying, But my heart was lying' - Here's Where I Stand, Tiffany Taylor

Some people turn into bitches...

And some people are just born bitches!

So what's goin on?

Today at work the same girl who almost had me quitting my job a few weeks ago, hit another nerve in me...

A couple of things that she's done this week:
1. She had a task and logged a help task for me, so me and my manager worked out an answer that afternoon and so we were ready to push it back to her. Next day she calls in sick so I had to do that part of the task for her. And then today I push it back to her and apparently she "called the adviser but he didnt pick up" so I told her to pend the task for Monday and so she was like "oh... but will you know what to say? coz I wont be here"

Isn't it fucking convenient that she just happens to be on Annual Leave next week?
Man that girl is so lazy! She will do anything to get out of doing extra work or avoid conflict.
So now as the only other equally skilled person in the team, I have to take on her extra work as well as trying to complete my own! .. And you wonder why I broke down at work last month...

Like I said... fucking bitch!

And then about an hour ago,
2. Me and my workmate next to me were talking about a task and I was asking him for help just quietly. She sits about 3m away and all of a sudden she's coming over to offer her opinion on what I should do - which was wrong anyway! I know she was trying to help, but she was getting it all wrong!!!

It's one thing to listen in on a private conversation, but if you don't know what we are, or you yourself, are talking about, then please just shut up!

That girl honestly makes me pull my hair out and want to get drunk so I can just forget it all.
Sometimes, she makes me wanna take a gun and... either shoot her or shoot myself so I no longer have to deal with her.

Funnily enough, I'm cutting my hair on Thursday and going out for drinks with friends tonight.

Almost time to leave the office.
Enjoy the weekend!

x
chauie
'Man, I told you, you know, if I find her, I really, I, I mean, I'll kill her, for real!' - I'll Kill Her, SoKo

A Simple Question...

Due to family commitments this past (long) weekend, I didn't see any of my friends.
I probably could have met up with a few of them on a couple of the nights, but I chose not to.

Tonight I realised something:
hardly anyone ever asks how I am anymore.
Just me.
Not my work.
Not Acclaim
or any other writing projects I have on...

Is it that hard to ask such a simple question: 'How are you?' or 'How have you been?'

I don't get it.

On a sort of relevant note, I've started to clean out my Facebook friend list.

I'm starting to get tired of it.
All of it.

Out.
chauie
'You see the thing of it, Is we deserve respect. But we can't demand respect without change. There comes a time when we must go our own way' - Let It Flow, Toni Braxton

Interesting Advice

Last night went to my cousin's wedding and it was AWESOME! Always great to get together with the cousins, drink, eat and reminisce about all the old times. Though there was a moment in the night that would be best forgotten, the majority of the night was great, thus proving that our family can't get any better. I would have added bigger to that statement also but there's already another bun in the oven! :P

Anyhow, had a moment to catch-up and chat with my sister-in-law and she gave me some interesting advice. Words that I actually wanted to hear. Wise words about being an independent woman and whatnot. With the way I've been feeling lately, these certain words of encouragement and empowerment were just the right push that I needed and when I went back to my table, it made me feel like I hadn't made any mistakes or regrets with the decisions I've made in the past... let's say, few weeks.

Especially with the opposite sex.

So I want to thank her and I'm glad she told me what life is really like for her, despite all the ups and downs.
Love you sis!

Got an early morning tomorrow - even though it's Easter Monday and I should be taking full advantage of this extra day off - but I have some important family stuff to attend to.

Happy Easter yo!
chauie
'So let me on down, Cause time has made me strong. I'm starting to move on. I'm gonna say this now, Your chance has come and gone' - Too Little Too Late, JoJo

Muddled, Grey Thoughts

The days in Sydney have been grey lately
And my mood has unfortunately matched its hue
Some days I just feel alone.
And on those days I want to blame you
Not alone, in the sense of having a partner
But alone in the world
Days when I feel no-one understands
No-one is reaching for my hand
Telling me all will be okay..

Sometimes I wonder why
I am this way
Quiet, shy, secretive
Independent
But I still care about what other people think
I don't know why I still do
Well actually I do: it was all because of my horrific experience in high-school

After I left and found myself reflecting upon it, I realised that all girls are catty bitches looking for drama and a piece of gossip and all guys are jerks who just want to date every girl who walks onto the basketball court.

I don't talk to anyone from High-School anymore coz I realised they all treated me like shit.
It was really hard for me to let people in after that.
It still is.
That's why I'm so quiet when I meet someone new.
I just tend to keep to myself.
You can call it shy
I call it careful:
not wanting to make the same mistake twice.
not wanting to get burnt again...

x
chauie
'Is anyone out there willing to listen. I'm kind of worried about the world that we live in. It's time to stand up but everyone's sitting' - Am I All Alone, Suai