Attraction

My friend is right
Although I can't have you
The way I (used to) think I could
The attraction will always be there
The smiles
The jokes
The winking
You'll always know how to bring me out of a crazy mood
Well (at least) I know that you're the answer
But you might not lol
At least it'll keep the mystery going between us

Still,
I like this place we're in:
Just friends
For the first time, I'm okay with not crossing the line with you

x
C

The Way He Makes Me Feel

I wrote this last night on the train on the way home from class. Almost got a little teary too just thinking about it all. The subject. The words that were coming out. This is the truth right here. Words I probably have never spoken aloud before about this particular person. I won't reveal who but if he ever happens to read this, then he should know who he is. I just don't think he realises how he makes me feel.
Again, my thoughts are scattered and probably repetitive throughout this piece but I didn't want to cross out anything... This is purely a rant. Seeing him earlier in the evening sparked these words..

~
I can't seem to escape events and places where I used to go alone.
I now see him joining in... to everything. What happened?
Things were so much better when I didn't see his face.
Today I stepped off the train and as I was walking up the escalator, I saw him walking out of his carriage. It wasn't what I needed. Not in my current state of mind.
I don't want to see him.
(Obviously avoiding him didn't work since he keeps showing up)
What else do I need to do to give him a sign?
I hate the way he makes me feel after every conversation we have
Stupid
And not good enough
Every time we talk, his tone and actions show a different side of him
I can't stand the way he makes me feel after the exchange of words between one another - whether it be a lot or a litte
He reminds me of someone else... Someone who I have not spoken one word to in the last six months
(It could happen to him)
People like that don't deserve my time, yet they keep showing up
(My) Emotions run on high whenever we chat
I don't dare cry in front of him but because of the way he makes me feel
I can't help but let my emotions run wild

Stupid
Not good enough
The two characteristics/words that are often repeating in my head when we talk.
Before, during but especially afterwards.
He makes me lose all confidence in myself simply because of the way he talks to me that I'm often left in the sense of feeling that he thinks he's better.
Better than me.
Better than you.
Better than everyone we both know

I don't know why I ever... (finish this sentence)

He makes me want to scream.
He makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry myself to sleep, hoping to never see his face again
(Don't worry, I didn't do that last night but he txted me this morning - there's no escape!)

I'm scarred emotionally and because of my past, sometimes I feel I'm physically scarred too. (With my past coming back to haunt me) They often both link with one another.

~

I don't really want to post this because I know the questions will come from the few friends that read this blog but I need to let it out.
Thank goodness for my day off today.

x
chauie

'How come, how long, its not right, it's so wrong. Do we let it just go on? Turn our backs and carry on. Wake up, for it's too late' - How Come, How Long by Babyface & Stevie Wonder

Stalker?

What an interesting night.
Do you think I still fancy you?
In someway or another
Coz the both of you were quite guarded
Saying hello was so awkward
Kiss on the cheek or high-five?
You obviously couldn't decide
But I wonder if it was because she was right there..?
And even when you did lean in, her actions showed that she was protecting you
From what?
Me?
Listen here mate, I'm over you.
Sometimes I feel as though I hate you.
I know that hate is a strong word but when I think back on the past (and I know I shouldn't)
The reality is you treated me like shit
And I didn't deserve it
So I think I have the right to feel some hate towards you

I found it even funnier when you had to leave and you were telling everyone where you were going
Yet when you said goodbye to me, you simply said you had to be "somewhere"
Like you were scared of telling me the details..
What are you afraid of?
Did you think I was going to follow you and stalk you?
Get over yourself mate.
I could think of a million things better to do with my time
Like going home!

As for her, we talked last night...
And I was sober so I remember the whole conversation
I don't really care what's going on anymore
I just hope she's careful and that you don't treat her the way you treated me.

Out.
chauie
'Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running. A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you. More than you, more than you know' - Daughtry, Over You

Catch Up?

We were meant to catch up the other night
Her and I
But I don't know if I could have faced her
Alone.
After what happened..
But then it didn't go ahead
And I knew, in a sense, because of what he said
But I thought I'd ask anyway, playing dumb and all
He told us you both were going on a date
Even if neither of you want to admit that you're together
We all know already
It was pretty obvious to all whom were there
Now it's just time for the announcement - will it be her or him who speaks

Despite all that, I had a fabolous night
Finally chopped off my hair, then met up with a girlfriend for dinner and a glass of wine.

I really hope things take a turn now.
One for the positive
One that is in the present (love you Ann!)

Sleepy now,
x
chauie
"To change I must first wholly accept the present moment. This moment, as it is, is perfect." - TDL

Mute.

I wrote this Tuesday night on the train on the way home from work and after a long day of trying to de-stress my mind and thoughts.

Silence.
I feel so mute at the moment.
My heart is beating twice as usual but not because I'm excited.
Moreso stressed than anything else.
Today I felt like I was swimming against the tide
It felt almost like I was drowning
Within the waters
Which instead of the ocean was a mountain of paperwork.
No matter how much I tried to get done, my to-do pile was not diminishing
I've told my manager what's been going on
The causes of my stress
Or rather the one person who contributes a large amount to my stress
Conveniently that person is on leave at the moment
I've spoken to my manager about how I feel but it seems I've just left her with a bunch of words stringed together into sentences because no action has been taken.
Yet.
Maybe when she comes back from leave.
Maybe.
But I doubt it.

Peace yo
x
chauie

The Truth Came Out..

So Friday night, my friends and I went out with the intention of getting our friend "hammered"..
I didn't think that things would take a bad turn and I would be the one smashed!

I guess it was just an emotional day all-round what with what had happened at work earlier that day (check out my previous post) and then seeing someone turn up with her friends but getting completely snobbed by her. Instead, she made a beeline for the boy she's with now and was just hanging all over him everytime I saw her.

I think that's what made me throw in the towel. It was all too much.
Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...

I guess I thought that being with my friends and having a good night out would pick up my mood but no - it didn't. It kind of worsened when it hit me what was happening.
The things I was seeing all around me.
I started to feel alone and unhappy again.

The truth came out when I was in the ladies with a couple of girlfriends...
I didn't mean it to and although I keep telling myself and others I'm okay, when the truth came out, it completely revealed that I'm not. :(

Needless to say, my drunken state had me leaving early whilst the others kicked on til the early hours and whilst I did receive txts and missed calls from those who truly care about me the next day, my mind was not in the mood to talk. I couldn't even eat or sleep it off for a good portion of the entire day.
Maybe it was the hangover but I think it was something deeper...

x
chauie
'Here's where I stand, Here's who I am. Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be. Here's who I am, I'm what you see. You said I had to change and I was trying, But my heart was lying' - Here's Where I Stand, Tiffany Taylor

A Simple Question...

Due to family commitments this past (long) weekend, I didn't see any of my friends.
I probably could have met up with a few of them on a couple of the nights, but I chose not to.

Tonight I realised something:
hardly anyone ever asks how I am anymore.
Just me.
Not my work.
Not Acclaim
or any other writing projects I have on...

Is it that hard to ask such a simple question: 'How are you?' or 'How have you been?'

I don't get it.

On a sort of relevant note, I've started to clean out my Facebook friend list.

I'm starting to get tired of it.
All of it.

Out.
chauie
'You see the thing of it, Is we deserve respect. But we can't demand respect without change. There comes a time when we must go our own way' - Let It Flow, Toni Braxton

Interesting Advice

Last night went to my cousin's wedding and it was AWESOME! Always great to get together with the cousins, drink, eat and reminisce about all the old times. Though there was a moment in the night that would be best forgotten, the majority of the night was great, thus proving that our family can't get any better. I would have added bigger to that statement also but there's already another bun in the oven! :P

Anyhow, had a moment to catch-up and chat with my sister-in-law and she gave me some interesting advice. Words that I actually wanted to hear. Wise words about being an independent woman and whatnot. With the way I've been feeling lately, these certain words of encouragement and empowerment were just the right push that I needed and when I went back to my table, it made me feel like I hadn't made any mistakes or regrets with the decisions I've made in the past... let's say, few weeks.

Especially with the opposite sex.

So I want to thank her and I'm glad she told me what life is really like for her, despite all the ups and downs.
Love you sis!

Got an early morning tomorrow - even though it's Easter Monday and I should be taking full advantage of this extra day off - but I have some important family stuff to attend to.

Happy Easter yo!
chauie
'So let me on down, Cause time has made me strong. I'm starting to move on. I'm gonna say this now, Your chance has come and gone' - Too Little Too Late, JoJo

Muddled, Grey Thoughts

The days in Sydney have been grey lately
And my mood has unfortunately matched its hue
Some days I just feel alone.
And on those days I want to blame you
Not alone, in the sense of having a partner
But alone in the world
Days when I feel no-one understands
No-one is reaching for my hand
Telling me all will be okay..

Sometimes I wonder why
I am this way
Quiet, shy, secretive
Independent
But I still care about what other people think
I don't know why I still do
Well actually I do: it was all because of my horrific experience in high-school

After I left and found myself reflecting upon it, I realised that all girls are catty bitches looking for drama and a piece of gossip and all guys are jerks who just want to date every girl who walks onto the basketball court.

I don't talk to anyone from High-School anymore coz I realised they all treated me like shit.
It was really hard for me to let people in after that.
It still is.
That's why I'm so quiet when I meet someone new.
I just tend to keep to myself.
You can call it shy
I call it careful:
not wanting to make the same mistake twice.
not wanting to get burnt again...

x
chauie
'Is anyone out there willing to listen. I'm kind of worried about the world that we live in. It's time to stand up but everyone's sitting' - Am I All Alone, Suai

Matchy Matchy

I'm on the train

And saw a couple walking past at one of the stops

Both dressed up in matching sneakers

My question is,

Why do couples feel the need to do it?

I know that being in a relationship, you both influence each other's style and whatnot, but do you both have to match your outfit from head to toe?

(And trust me, I've seen a couple doing that before)

Isn't the act of holding hands enough of a sign that you're 'together'?
Guess not, if they feel they have to go one (unnecessary) step further and buying matchy matchy clothes together!

Quite sad in my opinion.
Pass me a bucket please.

x
chauie

Existence

I was sitting in class earlier tonight and I started having second thoughts about it all.
But I think it went further than just me not wanting to be in class.
It was more about whether I should be here at all.

My existence.

Would it really matter to anyone if I was here or not?
If I disappeared for a week, how long would it take you to realise that I was missing?
If I shut off my phone and left my emails unread, what would happen?
What would you do?
Would you know if I had gone into hiding?

I don't see a lot of people on a regular basis. I have 300+ friends on Facebook and I see maybe 10% of them on a weekly basis. I reckon I could go on living life for about a month and end up only seeing 10 and that's only because of the people I work with.

But for some 'friends', though they say they'll keep in touch, there have hardly been any signs o that being true: no missed calls, no emails, no txt msgs.. not even a comment on my wall to say 'Hi'...

Next week, I'm on a two-week break from class and I've decided to really re-assess my life.
Taking the advice of my workmate, I'm going to re-assess the 'friends' I have too.

It feels like it's time for a change.

Chopping my hair off.
Re-assessing my life.
Organising my home-life.
Re-assessing my friends.
Changing my attitude.

I hope doing these abovementioned things will push me and give me an extra dose of much-needed confidence.
I went to a workshop at work today and leaving this particular session, left me with three key things that I needed to do. One of which was: "LEARN TO SAY NO!"

I'm out.
x
chauie
'I don't go with yesterday no more (Ooh). Now I'm feeling free (I'm feeling free). Today tomorrow told me (What it say?). That's where I should be (That's where I should be)' - T.O.N.Y, Solange Knowles

Don't Hate The Player...

Hate the game!

I really do hate playing games.
These certain games that guys and girls play to get each other's attention.
It's sad in a sense
That we have to think about each move we take next.
And someone always seems to get hurt
When the wrong move is made.
But who's to say it is wrong?
Emotions just keep getting played with
Roll the dice..
And find out how you're gonna feel next

If you read my blog often, you'll know that there's a guy who has recently entered my life, but with the mixed messages he kept sending me, I was often left confused.

I was sick of feeling this way
And didn't want to be lead on... again.
Coz there have been way too many times that I've experienced being in that position
So I took matters into my own hands and told him straight up:
"I don't like playing games"

So far, so good - I haven't heard from him since.

x
chauie
'And you keep on playing games. Like you know I'm here to stay. I gotta shake it off' - Shake It Off, Mariah Carey

Work and Stuff.

Yesterday I had my quarterly review with my manager and I told her exactly how I was feeling.

How I've been feeling.

Basically I lay out all the cards on the table.

Of course, this lead to a little breakdown but I'm okay now. Well today anyway.

It was just good to finally get things off my chest about all the pressure and the workload and whilst sometimes it's my fault - taking on more than i can handle and such - for the most part, it's other people.

Ugh. Someone get me another job please.

x
chauie

My Status

Everyone is all coupled up.
Whether it be with their partner, a friend or family.
Everyone is in twos.
If this were happening to me last week, I probably would have walked away by now feeling a little depressed, but this week, I've found myself thinking in a new perspective - especially when it comes to love.
I've always been unlucky in love and I always used to care.
About my relationship status and what other people thought when I told them I was unattached. Especially with friends.
Some don't care.
Others feel the need to push me to every random cute and single boy they see.
It can get quite frustrating at times and though most times, you'll find me playing along..
Deep down, I wasn't happy with what was happening.
The situations and conversations I would find myself in...
I can't even find the words to describe the way I was feeling within those moments but it was far more than awkward.
I think I'm feeling this way, at this point in time, because of a certain boy who's recently entered my life.
But as bad as it sounds, his actions have had me running away rather than into his arms..

Just you wait though - knowing me, my mood will switch up again next week.
Til then.

Peace yo.
x
chauie

Today Was A Great Day!

Today I found out some great news!

In relation to my writing that is... hehe

Jeff Staple (iconic streetwear designer whom I, and a few of the itches clan, met in Melbourne) liked MY review of the Buffet event!

The fact that he read the thirteen itches blog first of all is big news - major exposure for the label. But even bigger is him saying that he liked my review is soo awesome! Couldn't wipe the smile off my face hehe

Check out what he said:

"Check out the Thirteen Itches blog and Frank/Qubic’s blog for a great write-up from a local’s perspective."

This is a major compliment!!!

Even further, it tells me that I didn't make a mistake choosing to write for the rest of my life hehe

Anyways, you can check out Mr Staple's review here.

And above, well I had to add it in but it's a pic of he and I (and his fries!) in Melbourne after the Buffet forums :0)

Here's A Crazy Thought..

Went to a meeting today with the rest of the team and we watched a video at the end - it was supposed to motivate us to provide better customer service to our clients and stuff like that - but the main message I got from it was that you need to be working in a place that makes you happy and makes you wanna get out of bed every morning.

I went to back to my desk thinking with the feeling that the video affected me in the opposite way it would have affected the rest of my team.

I'm not happy at my current job.

You'd think after being there for years, things would be all gravy, but no.

Everyone acts supportive but when you look underneath, they all just kind of wanna bring you down. It's a bit fucked up.

All I could think about all day was turning up tomorrow and saying this:

On that note, I'm out.
chauie

Travel Bug.

I'm back in Sydney and have caught up on the lack I sleep I didn't get last weekend during my Melbourne trip so expect me to be back in the game with my posting. Unless I get writer's block which I experienced both Friday and Saturday. The feeling sucks.

Anyways this post is about the picture below and it's one of my goals for 2011. I know, I know, 2010 is still beginning but ever since I got back, I also got paid and I'm putting it all towards my savings for a trip to here:


Of course the trip will feature many other destinations but this is my #1 stop.

Patiently waiting til then,
chauie

Content in Melbourne.

So I've been back from Melbourne for a few days now but I've just been avoiding writing altogether for some reason. I can't seem to get into it. It's most likely writer's block. Anyhow, this piece was written on the place during the flight from Sydney to Melbourne and I started to type it in my blackberry (hence the date) but then I wrote way more than I anticipated and reverted back to my good ol' notebook.

Here we go.. (I don't know what brought upon this mood either)

There are times in life when you want someone around you. Someone to be with you. Hold you. Love you. Respect you. But most importantly, accept you for who you are. Accept the things you've done in the past and be glad that it's made you the person you are today.

Other times in life, you just want to be alone. To be left alone. Not consult anyone for advice. To be independent. And just going for it.

Kind of like the way I feel right now.

As I sit on this plane by myself, I feel content. I'm happy with the way things have turned out for me thus far. Some things I'd like to forget, but for the most part, life is good. To be happy is the most important thing in life, isn't it? Moreso than money and love? (I know many people would argue with me on that, but each to their own. These are my opinions, remember?)

For those in my life who see me regularly, you'd know that there isn't a day that passes where I'm not smiling. And it's crazy to think that people have asked me time and time again, 'Why are you so happy?'.

What they don't know is, sometimes, those smiles are masking certain feelings. Hiding certain emotions. But I do my best not to let it show - at least not to those around me who know me as the girl who loves to write and is always smiling hehe

I admit, I do tend to not disclose the information that has me feeling the opposite of happy. I've learnt a lot about myself during the past couple of years, like when I'm happy, I'm easily persuaded to let others know the reason behind my smile... just to share the positive vibe around.

When I feel that first cut, however, I tend to be a little quieter throughout the day, waiting for the moment when I'm in my room. Alone. Then depending on how much it hurts, I'll either hide under the covers and try to forget, or I'll turn on my laptop, let the feelings brew and start writing. And I usually won't stop until I've let it all out.

Few people pick up on my mood (when this happens) but most don't and that's okay.

Right now though, I'm not feeling like that at all. I'm feeling content, excited, nervous, curious and I'm patiently waiting for a certain someone to answer me back.

I'm on the plane on the way to Melbourne, but as much as most people in my life think it's just another holiday, it's moreso a trip for me to meet the team of people I've recently started working with. I'm part excited, part nervous about it - only because I want to make a good impression. Coz well, the first impression counts doesn't it? Hopefully all will be okay...

As for that certain someone? That particular individual is back in Sydney and has no idea that I'm on my way to Melbourne (unless they decide to stalk my Facebook!). But if they are ready to give me an answer, I guess I'll have to wait til I'm back in Sydney to hear what they have to say.

Til then, I'm ready for whatever Melbourne has to offer me.

I'm out.
Peace yo.
chauie

M.I.A

Hello Hello

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be M.I.A (missing in action) for the next few days as I'm off to Melbourne later today for an Acclaim event - soo excited!!

So therefore that means I most likely will not be posting anything. I'll probably still be writing a few pieces here and there but I generally will not be able to post.

In the meantime, check out my review (below) of the Lupe Fiasco gig this past Sunday at Sydney's own Enmore Theatre at my second family's website: http://www.thirteenitches.com.au/ or to click straight on to the review: http://www.thirteenitches.com.au/blog/?p=1764

Peace out yo.

Take care.

x

Update: Balance

I've had a really good 24 hours.

I planned to do nothing this weekend, but last night, I went over to a mate's place and watched him and one of my best mates make beats and experiment with their DJ equipment. It was pretty crazy to watch and listen to whilst I was lost in my own thoughts.

I've been a little paranoid with one of my mates thinking he was pissed at me but last night we hung out / chilled / vibed and talked and it was just like old times.

It was something that I was definitely missing.

After last night, I feel like my life has reached somewhat of a balance.

Before last night, I had hardly seen any of my friends face-to-face for almost a month coz of all the craziness that had been happening - re: work, friends, writing, planning, family. But last night, it was good to see my best mate and not have any animosity or tension between us.

Anyways I've got a busy week ahead of me: concerts, class, work and my mini holiday to Melbourne! Can't wait!

- Going to check out Lupe Fiasco tonight at the Enmore and Jimmy Eat World tuesday night. Don't know if I'll do any reviews on either gigs but we'll see what happens.
- Class and work is part of my normal schedule although I'll want to speed through those hours hehe
- Thursday I jump on a plane to head down to Melbourne for a trip that will be both business and pleasure :)

Oh by the way, finally saw (one of my favourite artists) Kid Cudi live and whilst it probably wasn't the best time of my life, I'm still happy I got to experience it! Hopefully he'll come back soon and do some shows. Fingers crossed in the meantime.

As for that guy whom has recently entered in my life and could be a potential? Things are going alright for the moment and whilst I haven't told many people about it... I'm okay with things for now. At the moment, if things don't work out... I think I'll be okay. Key word: think haha

Anyways I'm outta here.
Gotta get ready and stuff.
Peace and love yo.
x
chauie