The Odd One Out

It's two days before 2010 and I'm anxious to find out what the year has in store for me.
I turned 23 (approximately) two weeks ago and it seems like things are already taking a positive turn for me.
Since the night of my birthday dinner, it's like I've woken up even more in a sense.
I have a handful of personal goals that I'd like to acheive by 31 Dec 2010.
But even if I only achieved one of those goals and complete it whole-heartedly, I'd be happy.

2009 was the year thay begun the search of being my own person...
I stood up against my parents and told them what I wanted.
After 22 years, they had to know me by now right?
Sometimes that statement feels like the exact opposite.
But as much as my family want me to be like them in life, share the same attributes and whatnot, for the first time I don't mind being the odd one out.
I don't mind not being the one that doesn't fit in.
I don't mind being misunderstood.

I've felt the feeling of it for years now but now I feel I can finally accept it.
I know my opinions and thoughts have always been different to those of my family members and relatives and at this moment, I'm honestly okay with it.

Peace and love,
chauie

Embarrassed (I Wish)

Is it bad that I still think about you?
Since that night
When only two words were exchanged
Between us?

I wish you were still there
When I turned around

I wish I was the girl that turns heads
Whenever she walked into a room

I wish I was confident enough
To say more than just (that) one word to you

I wish I could walk right up to you
And strike up a conversation
Ask you questions
Get to know you

I wish our mutual friend
Knew how I felt and would lend a helping hand

Despite all these wishes though
There's only one that I really want you to know
One in which I hope one day
We can make come true
And simply that wish is:

"I wish that you knew how I felt about you"

The way you looked at me
Made me feel as though I was worth looking at
And I hope to find someone one day
Who looks at me
Just the way you did
(Til then, I might just give up altogether..)

You looked my way
And I held your gaze
But I felt embarrassed after a little while
And that had me turning away

I wish I had kept looking...


x
chauie
You've got this look I can't describe, You make me feel like I'm alive' - Like A Star, Corinne Bailey Rae

Merry Christmas Yo!

Hello to all who read my blog regularly or come by to see what I've posted about every once in a while.

Just wanna take this time out to thank you and to wish you all a Merry and Happy Christmas!

Spend it with your loved ones and although I'm not one to usually celebrate the holiday, I'd like to remind you all that it is a time of giving and not necessarily receiving.

xx

chauie

Exploded Photography by Adam Voorhes

The latest works of Adam Voorhes is positively mind-blowing. Literally.

The abovementioned description of Voorhes' work sounds nearly impossibly on paper but when looking at his latest series, Exploding Photography, it is very easy to change your mind.

Ever wondered what you would see if you pulled apart a pistol, an etch-a-sketch, a telephone, or even a frog?

Voorhes has done just that by capturing the dissection of each subject to its most basic elements, and through a great eye and a lot of spare time, has photographed what many are calling a "celebration of deconstruction".

Adam Voorhes is a photographer and an artist but more importantly, he is a creator. Voorhes has the skill to look at an ordinary object and project it to appear incredibly beautiful.

Imagine just the thought process behind coming up with an idea like this.

Amazing and mind-numbing!

*Pictures courtesy of Walyou

Offended

Who are they to judge me?
They've seen me out and having "fun" twice
They don't know about the others
Don't call me something that I may not be

(But even if I am what you say I am, wouldn't you fit into the same category?
We all make decisions based on our personal choices. I'm sorry but I refuse to succumb to what you think is right and wrong - what's good and bad)

Don't make assumptions
I thought they knew me
By now
But I guess they dont know me at all

I knew there was a reason why i never disclosed information about that part of my life
I am quite offended by the comment
Knowing they made it behind my back


Thanks a lot, mate(s).


Getting things off my chest,
chauie
'Well I, thought I knew you. Thinking, that you were true. I guess I, I couldn't trust 'cause your bluff time is up 'cause I've had enough' - Fighter, Christina Aguilera

DJ AM x NIKE

DJ AM aka Adam Goldstein had a crazy sneaker collection, boasting more than 800 pairs - that's more pairs of shoes/heels/flats/sneakers than I've owned in my lifetime!

Before his tragic death in August, the celebrity DJ announced, via his Twitter profile (@DJ_AM), that he was working on a collaboration with Nike for his own version of the Dunk Hightops.

"This is one of the most amazing moments," AM tweeted earlier this year. "I just HELD the sample of MY OWN NIKE DUNK. I never dreamed this would happen. Wow, THANK YOU G0D."

As you should all know by now DJ AM was found dead earlier this year, on August 28th, in his NYC apartment from what many have claimed a drug overdose.

As you may or may not know, DJ AM was working closely with Nike on a new pair of Dunks for the East/West Rivalry Pack.

Well, photos of the limited kicks hit the internet recently, building anticipation for their release.

The DJ AM and Nike collaboration has produced this black and red Dunk, but it's unfortunate that the late DJ isn’t around to see the product that bears his name make it to production.

No word yet if - or when - these kicks will be hitting our Australian shores.

*Photos courtesy of FreshnessMag

Peace,

chauie

Reflect

For those of you whom read my thoughts (a lot), you should really pay attention to the lyrics noted at the end of each post.

Because those words often reflect my life more than what I write about.

Funny that.

Night,
chauie

P.S: I'm officially 23! :0)
xx

I'm Not Interested

Last night I celebrated my twenty-third birthday and despite all the constant teasing and questioning, a wave of relief went through me,
when seeing who showed up to dinner and not seeing him.

I'm glad that last night he did not show up
the boy from Saturday

The constant questioning will not get my friends anywhere
to say "I'm not interested" does not get taken lightly around here

Gayfish

And now there's someone else who's come back into my life
Five years on
Someone whom I haven't seen
I dont know who he is...
Anymore

What if i bring him back into my life
But something happens?

Good or bad,
I think it is a big risk

It seems as though he is chasing me,
Five years on
As compared to me,
chasing him
Five years back...

But the more i think about it
The less i want it to happen

Because of this, my friend says I'm a strange cookie.
What do you think?

In a contemplative mood,
chauie
'Don't ask for more, coz what you're searching for, you won't find at my door' - Don't Ask For More, Abby Dobson

Twenty-Three

In three days, on Thursday(17th December), I will be turning twenty-three and a celebration of dinner with my closest friends is really the only thing I want.

A night where we can relax, chill out,talk (about Saturday night I'm sure) and laugh til we cry.

When a girlfriend was organising my present, she asked if there was anything in particular I wanted and I responded by telling her "nothing.. Just for everyone to show up!"

That's all I would ever want for each birthday I tend on celebrating in the years to come.

No tiffany necklaces
No DJ heroes.

There's no need for the materialistic things

Sure they're pretty but looks fade and they'll no longer be thought of it as shiny and pretty.

If I learnt anything after the weekend trip away in Coffs Harbour, it's that these are the people that I am meant to share and experience life with and I don't want to lose them or ever risk losing them ever again...

In deep thought,
chauie

Beneath Those Clouds..

last night turned out to be pretty crazy
celebrating the night away
of a girl turning twenty-three
a girl whose night lived up to the hype
and everyone's expectations...
thank goodness!

she consumed a lot of drinks,
did some dancing,
got a shout out from the dj/mc
received a birthday kiss...

but when she woke up this morning
through the cloudiness of her mind
and alcohol still in her system,
beneath those clouds
she found herself thinking about someone
who wasn't there last night
but she sure as hell wishes he was.

x
chauie
'Just want you to know, You had me at hello' - Hello, Beyonce

Indefinitely

Okay so here's part 2 of previous post 'Ignorant', one I've aptly titled as 'Indefinitely'.

(Written 3rd December 2009)

There is a reason why
I
No longer share my news with you
News, whether it be good or bad.
I heard the surprise in your voice
When?
The first time you found out I was studying again
And I always had a feeling
That you thought I could never do it.
I just needed time away and for myself
To figure it all out
But you thought I was just wasting it.

I'm glad I proved you wrong
I'm glad I no longer have you in my life
(At least not my personal one)
I don't need you
Or your discouraging words bringing me down

Your recent behaviour
Has confirmed to me
Indefinitely
That you're no good for me
And it's best that I walk away now
And leave you (coughing) in the dust...


x
chauie
'Now all I battle is your ego and your pride. It's ticking like a time bomb, ready too ignite. Hurtin' me to fight.' - Wake Up, Alicia Keys

Ignorant..

Okay so I wrote this piece after I came back and it has two parts. After feeling good about writing again, I think I've found my groove again coz I feel like I was neglecting this blog a little bit back there.
Anyway, I think it's self-explanatory... the only question is... who is it about? :P

(Written 3rd December 2009)

It's funny to think and now I know
That things haven't changed between us
Things are still the same
You put on an act in front of others which is strange
Especially since it's been a while since anything happened
When we're alone,
You act like I don't exist
But when people are around us,
You pretend that you're happy to see me.
Whatever.

I'm glad (and proud of myself) that I didn't fall for your ways this time around.
I just don't think you realise how you're treating me.
The after-effect(s).
Which is kinda sad.
Coz this naive and ignorant behaviour / act you got going on
May someday leave you in a position you don't want to be.

I think it's time for you to wake up and act your age!
On the exterior, you're a mature man
(Or at least you're doing a good job pretending)
But I found out that underneath it all,
You're just a little boy who doesn't know any better.

Second part coming soon!
x
chauie
'It's not right, but it's okay. I'm gonna make it anyway. Close the door behind you. Leave your key. I'd rather be alone than unhappy.' It's Not Right But It's Okay, Whitney Houston

Fun

(Written on 28 November 2009)

They're downstairs whilst I'm up
I went outside before
And the cold wind felt good against my face
In a sense, stopping my tears from escaping - if that were possible.
But the cold breeze hit my legs in shorts
And I hurried inside.
Well, that was part of the reason.
The other part was coz the sound of laughter was too much.
Hearing the happiness against my saddened thoughts contradicted my mood in a sense
And so it had me rushing inside to find my earphones
I've got Thom on repeat now
And I've blocked out the rest of the world.

... At least until that bedroom door bursts open and it's time for me to stop writing and join in on the 'fun'.

Peace,
chauie
'In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told. Somewhere far along this road,' - Heartless, Kanye West

There There

(Written on 28 November 2009)

There's just some things you realise that you want and things you don't.

I wish my best friend was here with me right now.

There are times when I feel like I still put my guard up with her (coz of my past experiences) but I think this weekend - this trip - would have been the perfect time for the both of us to have a good ol' heart to heart.

There are two best friends on this trip and seeing them earlier chatting away and catching up made me miss mine even more.

She's finished with Uni now so maybe someday soon...

I also miss my Auntie.

I feel like I haven't experienced that closure for her since she passed. I feel like I haven't cried all the tears I can possibly endure. I haven't yet let go of all of the emotions that are bottled up within me right now (and I know they're still there coz I let some escape the first night we were here).

The worst part is, (and I can't keep thinking about it either), that I realised too late that I never got to say all the things I wanted to say when the realisation of her loss hit me.
Sometimes I wish my aunt wasn't cremated and was buried instead so that I could go to her grave (on my own terms) whenever I needed to and just speak my thoughts - out loud.

My hands shake and my eyes are welling up as I write this and listen to Thom York singing out to me 'Just coz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.' (Radiohead, There There)

I've escaped from the rest of my group of friends for the moment to jot down my thoughts but it saddens me a bit knowing that they haven't noticed that I'm missing and come looking for me... coz well, it's been awhile..

A bit of a lengthy one,
chauie

Too Little, Too Late

Okay so now that I've posted the thoughts running through my mind within the past 12 hours, I'll move on and keep my promise of posting pieces I wrote during last weekend's trip. These aren't necessarily poetry but thoughts I had during the trip. Thoughts I didn't think to speak out loud... I'll post one now and the others later.

(Written on 26th November 2009)

The view of this place is so beautiful
But there is something I've just found out
That has already lead
To a mix of paranoia and hate
But even if they were to turn around and say something now,
It would just be too little, too late.
I guess when time passes,
You forget about what could have been.
People change and sometimes
We say things that aren't really what it seems.
The things I've found out online
Which I know was not meant for my eyes to see
Are things you cannot take back
It's out there now (for everyone to see) so I guess we just gotta let it be...
But the feeling of not knowing
Still forms a feeling of hurt within
I'm not Christian but I can't help but saying, 'Forgive me father, for I (feel that I) have sinned'.

A sinner of words, assumptions, exclamations and thoughts.

Peace.
chauie
'Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye' - Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson

A Thousand Thoughts

So I know I said I was going to post pieces that I'd written whilst on a trip away with my crew last weekend but last night, I went to a farewell and there were moments during the night where I would just sit there, look around at everyone conversing and say nothing.

Saying nothing but thinking a thousand thoughts.

There have been many times in my life, moreso within the past year or two, where I've wondered why I'm here.

Common said it right when he narrates on Kid Cudi's track 'In My Dreams (Cudder Anthem)', stating 'Long before we know ourselves, Our paths are already set in stone. Some may never figure out their purpose in life, And some will.'

That's what I want to know. A good friend of mine, where we've only recently became close after he came back from an overseas trip, told me that when he talked to me, he felt like I was looking for answers.

And he was right on point.
I am looking for answers.
One in particular: What is my purpose in life?

There are days when I sit amongst my friends (like last night) and feel like I don't belong.
There are times when I'm surrounded by people and still feel all alone.

It can be pretty fucked up to feel this way.

I always thought that these particular thoughts would be something I'd always keep to myself, close to my heart. At the very least, write them on the back of a postcard and send them to PostSecret (aka the best creative idea ever!) but knowing me, I would write too much and run out of space on the tiny bit of blank space.

But I'm turning twenty-three in twelve days and for me, I feel, it's the age where I need to finally let my guards down and be honest. Moreso with myself than anyone else.

And what better way to do so than here on this blog. These are, after all, my thoughts.
But I hope, like I've previously mentioned when I started this blog, that people accept my thoughts for what they are - my opinions, my experiences. Some things you can be symapthetic towards but most times, I just want to figure it out on my own. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Experiencing things and learning from the wrong and remembering the right?

But that doesn't necessarily mean that I won't accept your shoulder, your hand, or a hug if you offer it to me.

Peace and love yo.
x
chauie
'Baby how I dream of being free since my birth, Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse. Have you ever heard of some shit so real? Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel. - The Prayer, Kid Cudi

Apologies

Hi yo

So I've been away for the past few days on a real mad hectic trip with my 13itches crew and then some so haven't been able to post but that didn't stop me from writing so expect for some to be coming your way over the next couple of days :)

At work at the moment so gotta get back to it.

Peace.
chauie