DJ AM x NIKE

DJ AM aka Adam Goldstein had a crazy sneaker collection, boasting more than 800 pairs - that's more pairs of shoes/heels/flats/sneakers than I've owned in my lifetime!

Before his tragic death in August, the celebrity DJ announced, via his Twitter profile (@DJ_AM), that he was working on a collaboration with Nike for his own version of the Dunk Hightops.

"This is one of the most amazing moments," AM tweeted earlier this year. "I just HELD the sample of MY OWN NIKE DUNK. I never dreamed this would happen. Wow, THANK YOU G0D."

As you should all know by now DJ AM was found dead earlier this year, on August 28th, in his NYC apartment from what many have claimed a drug overdose.

As you may or may not know, DJ AM was working closely with Nike on a new pair of Dunks for the East/West Rivalry Pack.

Well, photos of the limited kicks hit the internet recently, building anticipation for their release.

The DJ AM and Nike collaboration has produced this black and red Dunk, but it's unfortunate that the late DJ isn’t around to see the product that bears his name make it to production.

No word yet if - or when - these kicks will be hitting our Australian shores.

*Photos courtesy of FreshnessMag

Peace,

chauie

Selfish.

Last night was an emotional night.
With family and then friends.

It was the 49th day after my aunt's death and I was there to pray for her along with some of the rest of my relatives.

"In the Mahayana Buddhism, especially, Vietnamese tradition we pray for the dead for 49 days after passing away, 49 being the estimated time it takes for the spirit to be reborn again into a new life. Some spirits are reborn 3 days, 21 days, 49 days or 100 days after death, and in some cases even 7 years."

After the prayers, one of the monks spoke a little prayer and said words that would help us to move on with our lives. Not being fluent in Vietnamese, I only stood bits and pieces but the parts I did understand, ultimately lead to tears streaming down my face [and everyone else's].

I still miss her...
...And I don't know if I'll ever stop crying for her...

~

Later that night, I went out to meet my friends for a joint birthday celebration.

I was pretty late as I had the family commitment to attend to but when I arrived, it was a good feeling that everyone was so supportive and welcoming. Hugs all around and comments that they were waiting for me to show up.

I love my friends.

As far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I need.
They don't need to know the whole story on certain issues but I know that they'll always be there for me.

In fact I want to take this moment right now to apologise to one friend in particular - K.A - sorry for my words in regards to my choices. Sorry for my selfish choice.
I've decided not to go ahead with it.
I hope you forgive me for it.

x
chauie
'I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes. I'm tired of this smile, that even I don't recognise' - The Good Kind, The Wreckers

Frustrated

For the longest time (even though it was really only a week or so) it seemed like I was frustrated with myself because I could not find myself getting back into writing anything.
After what happened with my Aunty, it seemed as though I had lost all my inspiration and the motivation altogther.

A friend of mine messaged me to see how I was doing last week on the train and it was only then that I realised when I answered him honestly that I realised I had not been able to write a personal piece. As you can see from my updates this past weekend, that is no longer true and I'm so glad.

Maybe I just needed a break from everything. A little time to myself.
It was wierd though coz like I was telling my workmate, I don't turn to alcohol when I'm stressed - only for social occasions. I don't smoke or do drugs. Writing was (still is) my creative outlet whenever I was stressed. The familiar and comfortable feeling of holding a pen and writing in my notebook would usually set me at an ease and it upset me that I couldn't do that last week.

I'm okay now but I just wanted to give a reason for my lack of posts last week.
I'm glad I'm able to write again and haven't lost my motivation entirely to one day live up to my dream..

Peace yo.
chauie

Is The Day Over?

I wrote this last weekend but couldn't find the strength to finish it... so for those who regularly check my blog, if you notice the date of post, then you'll probably understand what I'm babbling on about... Today I found a spare few moments to work on it. I still feel that it's sort of unfinished in a sense but I'm going to leave it. Enjoy.

~
If I dont sleep tonight, does that mean the day is not yet over?
The funeral was yesterday
All of us dressed in black and white
I wanted to escape
I want to know what life on mars is like
Mod colours represented death for both nations
I tried not to cry too much
But I couldnt control my emotions
The tears flowed
And I went through two packets of tissues
Honestly it felt good to let all the emotions out
At least for the day
I'm sure there are still more tears inside me wanting to break free
More breakdowns, more screaming..
The eulogies read by her kids were beautifully spoken
Especially by her oldest son
There wasn't a dry eye in the room..

(I miss you and I'll always love you Aunty.)

x
chauie
I've been searching deep down in my soul. Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old, It feels like I'm starting all over again, - Goodbye To You, Michelle Branch

Next Time

Orignially written on Monday 21/09/2009... have finally found the time to post it today.

~

It's taking all of my willpower to not break down and cry right now.
Right now I'm on the train and I can already feel multiple pairs of eyes on me, wondering what I'm writing about. Why am I concentrating so intently?
The reality is, I'm not concentrating at all. I'm just letting the pen glide my hand across the page.

How could something like this happen so quickly?
It's scary.
I hadn't seen her long before we received the call...

My hands are shaking, in fact I think my whole body is. But that's normal right - to react this way from the reel of the shock that's happened?
My world feels like it's turned... turning and spiralling downhill.
My heart is slowly breaking and I haven't slept enough to be able to survive today.
To be able to make it a productive day at work so that no-one suspects a thing...

Wake me up from this dream - this nightmare.
I pinch myself but nothing happens.

This wasn't supposed to happen. She's still young.
I remember the moments and laughs we shared during the month I spent with her family and 20 other family members in Vietnam (Jan 07). She was my substitute mum for the entire month... It was a good feeling to have knowing that my mother's younger sister cared for me like that.

The news is spreading, as I write this, to all our famiy across the world.
This news is surely going to shatter everyone who were lucky enough to get a chance to know her.

The tears didn't stop last night and I feel them coming on again as I write with Kid Cudi blasting in my ears.

My only regret is something I told myself I would do 'next time' but this was the next time and now it's too late.
I let history repeat itself.
I let it repeat because I couldn't find the nerve to open my mouth and speak the words I needed to say.

If I write a letter to her and place it in her casket at the funeral, do you think she'll be able to read it? I'm so much better writing worrds rather than speaking them. Through a letter, I'll be able to write the words I wasn't able to speak. I'll be able to write to my heart's content.

For all I know now, the sky has fallen and I don't want to continue this life.
Why couldn't I have been the one to go instead?

x
chauie
'Their tears are filling up their glasses. No expression, no expression. Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow. No tomorrow, no tomorrow.' - Mad World, Gary Jules

[Oh] Is it?

Is it fucked up that I tend to go out with friends whenever I receive a piece of bad news about my family?

The thing is, I don't even tell my friends what's going on...

If they plan a night out, I jump at the chance, saying 'yes' with no hesitations, when really I should be saying 'no'...

The main reason being is coz I want to avoid the place I call home when I'm feeling like this.

I mean I love my family.. but I feel like my friends are my family too, more often than not.
They are the ones that understand me. Even when I sit there silently, they know that something as simple as a hug can take away some of the pain that I go through..

Is that fucked up?
Is that strange?
Is it?

Or maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm the one that's strange.
I know a lot of the time I feel fucked up and forgotten.

The thing is I can wear a disguise with my family - stick a smile on my face and just 'pretend' that everything is A-OK. Just fine.

In reality, most times, it's not.
These days, I feel like the care factor towards me is diminishing. The questions towards me are fading. But I guess it's just something I should be used to having been treated and likened to a shadow growing up.

Like at the last family event I attended about a little over a month ago, when I came out to join in with the surrounding chit chat, it felt like those whom were there were making conversation with me just to make conversation. Polite conversation. It was like they were talking just to fill the void of the silence. Awkward, maybe, but aren't we supposed to be family? There should be no such thing as awkward silences!

It's like I moved away and we don't have anything to talk about anymore? Shouldn't we be catching up on all the things we've missed out on doing together? Your questions are short and from now on, my answers will leave you with no desire to follow-up on it.

If you wonder why I don't stay longer at these events...well now you know.
Here's the truth - there, I've said it.
Now do you have anything to say?

So like I was saying with family, I can wear a mask of (fake) feelings, but with friends it's getting more difficult to do the same thing coz they know me too well now.
I still have my guards up sometimes but I like that they ask me how I am twice just to make sure that I really am okay.
Just goes to show that they do care and aren't just making polite conversation like others.

The only time when I feel like I can't turn to either friends or (if I had to) family, I usually stay in my room, door locked, stereo on loud and holding paper and a pen. And more often than not, I won't come out until I'm ready to.
Not until I'm ready to unlock my bedroom door...

My vent for the day,
chauie
'I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring outta me. I bring them to the light for you, it's only right' - Soundtrack 2 My Life, Kid Cudi

Last Night

Last night whilst you were getting ready for bed or already in bed, tucked under the covers, the phone rang at my house and the news spoken from sender to receiver sent my whole family reeling. We acted quick! Grabbing only our jackets and phones, we raced to the car and drove to the hospital.

It was 90 minutes after I had gotten home after seeing her last. How can things take a turn for the worse after 90 minutes? 10pm right on the dot is when the phone rang.

Walking into the room, everyone was in tears, as expected.
It was a sight beyond belief to be honest.
My mum walked over to the bed and broke down hugging the lifeless figure that lay on the bed.
Seeing my mum break down flicked a switch in me and that broke me too.

~

I broke down earlier this morning.
My boss told me to go home but I didn't want to go.
I needed a distraction.
I needed to do work as much as my mind was not up for it.
In my heart and my mind, I knew that if I were to leave this building, I would be going anywhere but Home.
One of my best friends from work lead me into a room and calmed me down, putting a smile on my face.
She's been through all this before when she lost her dad late last year.
She knows what I'm going through.
I'm glad she was here. I'm glad that she is here.

R.I.P DJ AM

(picture credit: www.hardfest.com)

Logged on this morning and all I've been reading about is this talented individual. I've been left speechless.

Rest in Peace.

My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who knew him and was a fan (me included).

Leaving you all with his last tweet on Twitter..

It sent shivers down my spine coz I've often thought of Sydney in that same description..

(picture credit: http://twitter.com/DJ_AM)

Love and Peace.
chauie

My (Strange) Mood

At this moment, this time of night, I feel strange.

So far, I've had a great week but on the way home tonight, I found out some bad news about a family member and for some wierd reason I don't feel sad.

I mean, yes, I feel sad and sympathetic for her and her family right now because we don't really have all the information we want or need right now... but I just feel strange.

I feel like... something worse is around the corner.

I know it's a bad thing to feel. A worse thing to even let that thought cross my mind.

I mean, what could be worse than the end for someone you love and care about right?

I don't know what else to say right now.

I feel like I need to write.

I was talking to my workmate earlier in the week and I told him writing is my main form of expression. I often clam up and get all shy and shit, especially when I'm in a crowd, in the limelight or meeting new people, but give me a pen and paper and I could probably write for days on end..

Unfortunately, right now I feel that there are no right words to help me describe the exact emotions and feelings that I'm experiencing at this point.

So on that note, all I can do is stop and try and gather whatever strange thoughts are in my head and try to make sense of it all.

//Edit: Now I'm crying (just a little) listening to the following lyrics:

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

'Cuz I'm ready for the funeral

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

So please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

'Cuz I'm ready for the funeral

(I'm ready for the funeral, I'm ready for the funeral)

Night,
chauie

Nineteen Minutes...

I'm reading this book by Jodi Picoult and the first page had me hooked. I read the first page in the bookstore and I just wanted to keep reading to find out more.

The first page is a short letter.

Really, it's a suicide note if you read it and understand the message behind it.

It really hit me too..

There have been times in my twenty-two years when I've wanted to leave, well not exactly this letter / message behind, but something along these lines and see what other people's reactions would be...

Check it:

By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.
You can't undo something that's happened; you can't take back a word that's already been said out loud. You'll think about me and wish that you had been able to talk me out of this. You'll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do. I guess I should tell you,
Don't blame yourself, this isn't your fault,
but that would be a lie. We both know that I didn't get here by myself.
You'll cry, at my funeral. You'll say it didn't have to be this way. You will act like everyone expects you to. But will you miss me?
More importantly - will I miss you?
Does either one of us really want to hear the answer to that question?

Peace,

chauie

Rest In Peace M.J & Farrah Fawcett

Two people of high calbre passed away on June 25th 2009.
30 minutes within one another.
The King of Pop and an original 'Angel'

Rest in peace to both Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.

I'm too young to really know about Fawcett, but as for the death of Jackson,

I'm sure MJ is moonwalking his way into heaven right now... :)

peace...
x
chauie