There There

(Written on 28 November 2009)

There's just some things you realise that you want and things you don't.

I wish my best friend was here with me right now.

There are times when I feel like I still put my guard up with her (coz of my past experiences) but I think this weekend - this trip - would have been the perfect time for the both of us to have a good ol' heart to heart.

There are two best friends on this trip and seeing them earlier chatting away and catching up made me miss mine even more.

She's finished with Uni now so maybe someday soon...

I also miss my Auntie.

I feel like I haven't experienced that closure for her since she passed. I feel like I haven't cried all the tears I can possibly endure. I haven't yet let go of all of the emotions that are bottled up within me right now (and I know they're still there coz I let some escape the first night we were here).

The worst part is, (and I can't keep thinking about it either), that I realised too late that I never got to say all the things I wanted to say when the realisation of her loss hit me.
Sometimes I wish my aunt wasn't cremated and was buried instead so that I could go to her grave (on my own terms) whenever I needed to and just speak my thoughts - out loud.

My hands shake and my eyes are welling up as I write this and listen to Thom York singing out to me 'Just coz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.' (Radiohead, There There)

I've escaped from the rest of my group of friends for the moment to jot down my thoughts but it saddens me a bit knowing that they haven't noticed that I'm missing and come looking for me... coz well, it's been awhile..

A bit of a lengthy one,
chauie