Imperfect

In my mother's eyes, I'm probably the worst daughter she could've asked for. It just seems like nothing I do is good enough for her. Every Saturday morning, it's almost a guarantee that I'll come downstairs to make a cup of tea and she'll be cleaning or something and she'll see me and start conversing but not in a great way. In the end, we usually end up yelling at each other.

So I made plans for today to go out with my girlfriends months in advance. I overbooked myself coz I had to service the car but I thought things would be fine coz my dad and brother would be home to go pick it up and so mum would be able to take care of our nephew. Turns out, my mum had a doctor's appointment which Dad would be driving her. Fail One. So I had to cancel the car appointment but it was no big loss coz I managed to get an appointment for next weekend.

To her, she saw it in a different perspective. The different where I was at fault for everything. It was my fault for organising to go out when I (apparently) knew that my sister was going to move houses on this particular day and leave her son for us to babysit. To go out with my girlfriends on a day that she apparently told us months ago that she was going for this doctor's appointment.

Bloody hell.

My mum has never been proud of me. At least that's how it feels. As long as I pass my units she's happy. She doesn't care about what I'm studying or how happy writing makes me feel. That's the big strain on our relationship I think. I remember when I received the email from Alex that Nike had saw my work and gave me props, I was over the moon and couldn't stop smiling all day.

That night, I offered to go pick her up from work and during the car ride home, I told her my good news. Her reaction left me feeling so deflated. She wasn't even happy that things were working out for me - finally! The first thing she said was, 'Does that mean they're going to offer you a job now?'.

I was just like 'huh?' It's not all about the money but for her, as much as she denies it, it seems like it is.

I'm sorry I did bad in during my final year exams at High-School but at least I made it to Uni.
I'm sorry I dropped out of Uni but at least I found a job six months later and I'm still at that job.
Albeit I am unhappy at that job but she will never know that.
(It's funny in a sense that at work, I don't talk about my family and at home, I don't talk about work. Shrugs. My friends know everything and that's the way I'd like to keep it.)

When I told her I was going back to school, she was happy. But when she found out what I was studying, she said this: 'Well that's not going to make you any money'. See, she reverted back to the money. Because of that, I chose to pay for the course myself. And I've done well so far, having already finished one year of it.

It's terrible to think that your own mother can't be supportive of your dreams but if that's how it is, then I just have to live with it.

I'm out. Gotta get ready for my day out with the girls.
Can't wait to get out of here.

x
chauie