Indefinitely

Okay so here's part 2 of previous post 'Ignorant', one I've aptly titled as 'Indefinitely'.

(Written 3rd December 2009)

There is a reason why
I
No longer share my news with you
News, whether it be good or bad.
I heard the surprise in your voice
When?
The first time you found out I was studying again
And I always had a feeling
That you thought I could never do it.
I just needed time away and for myself
To figure it all out
But you thought I was just wasting it.

I'm glad I proved you wrong
I'm glad I no longer have you in my life
(At least not my personal one)
I don't need you
Or your discouraging words bringing me down

Your recent behaviour
Has confirmed to me
Indefinitely
That you're no good for me
And it's best that I walk away now
And leave you (coughing) in the dust...


x
chauie
'Now all I battle is your ego and your pride. It's ticking like a time bomb, ready too ignite. Hurtin' me to fight.' - Wake Up, Alicia Keys

Ignorant..

Okay so I wrote this piece after I came back and it has two parts. After feeling good about writing again, I think I've found my groove again coz I feel like I was neglecting this blog a little bit back there.
Anyway, I think it's self-explanatory... the only question is... who is it about? :P

(Written 3rd December 2009)

It's funny to think and now I know
That things haven't changed between us
Things are still the same
You put on an act in front of others which is strange
Especially since it's been a while since anything happened
When we're alone,
You act like I don't exist
But when people are around us,
You pretend that you're happy to see me.
Whatever.

I'm glad (and proud of myself) that I didn't fall for your ways this time around.
I just don't think you realise how you're treating me.
The after-effect(s).
Which is kinda sad.
Coz this naive and ignorant behaviour / act you got going on
May someday leave you in a position you don't want to be.

I think it's time for you to wake up and act your age!
On the exterior, you're a mature man
(Or at least you're doing a good job pretending)
But I found out that underneath it all,
You're just a little boy who doesn't know any better.

Second part coming soon!
x
chauie
'It's not right, but it's okay. I'm gonna make it anyway. Close the door behind you. Leave your key. I'd rather be alone than unhappy.' It's Not Right But It's Okay, Whitney Houston

Fun

(Written on 28 November 2009)

They're downstairs whilst I'm up
I went outside before
And the cold wind felt good against my face
In a sense, stopping my tears from escaping - if that were possible.
But the cold breeze hit my legs in shorts
And I hurried inside.
Well, that was part of the reason.
The other part was coz the sound of laughter was too much.
Hearing the happiness against my saddened thoughts contradicted my mood in a sense
And so it had me rushing inside to find my earphones
I've got Thom on repeat now
And I've blocked out the rest of the world.

... At least until that bedroom door bursts open and it's time for me to stop writing and join in on the 'fun'.

Peace,
chauie
'In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told. Somewhere far along this road,' - Heartless, Kanye West

There There

(Written on 28 November 2009)

There's just some things you realise that you want and things you don't.

I wish my best friend was here with me right now.

There are times when I feel like I still put my guard up with her (coz of my past experiences) but I think this weekend - this trip - would have been the perfect time for the both of us to have a good ol' heart to heart.

There are two best friends on this trip and seeing them earlier chatting away and catching up made me miss mine even more.

She's finished with Uni now so maybe someday soon...

I also miss my Auntie.

I feel like I haven't experienced that closure for her since she passed. I feel like I haven't cried all the tears I can possibly endure. I haven't yet let go of all of the emotions that are bottled up within me right now (and I know they're still there coz I let some escape the first night we were here).

The worst part is, (and I can't keep thinking about it either), that I realised too late that I never got to say all the things I wanted to say when the realisation of her loss hit me.
Sometimes I wish my aunt wasn't cremated and was buried instead so that I could go to her grave (on my own terms) whenever I needed to and just speak my thoughts - out loud.

My hands shake and my eyes are welling up as I write this and listen to Thom York singing out to me 'Just coz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.' (Radiohead, There There)

I've escaped from the rest of my group of friends for the moment to jot down my thoughts but it saddens me a bit knowing that they haven't noticed that I'm missing and come looking for me... coz well, it's been awhile..

A bit of a lengthy one,
chauie

Too Little, Too Late

Okay so now that I've posted the thoughts running through my mind within the past 12 hours, I'll move on and keep my promise of posting pieces I wrote during last weekend's trip. These aren't necessarily poetry but thoughts I had during the trip. Thoughts I didn't think to speak out loud... I'll post one now and the others later.

(Written on 26th November 2009)

The view of this place is so beautiful
But there is something I've just found out
That has already lead
To a mix of paranoia and hate
But even if they were to turn around and say something now,
It would just be too little, too late.
I guess when time passes,
You forget about what could have been.
People change and sometimes
We say things that aren't really what it seems.
The things I've found out online
Which I know was not meant for my eyes to see
Are things you cannot take back
It's out there now (for everyone to see) so I guess we just gotta let it be...
But the feeling of not knowing
Still forms a feeling of hurt within
I'm not Christian but I can't help but saying, 'Forgive me father, for I (feel that I) have sinned'.

A sinner of words, assumptions, exclamations and thoughts.

Peace.
chauie
'Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye' - Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson