The Last 12 Hours

Ever since I came home last night, I thought I was having an okay day. I was feeling okay at least, but then last night, just as I was about to knock myself out I received a txt message from a guy whom I hadn't seen / talked to for more than 18 months. It was about 1am and he texted me this:

'Hi chau. Eric here. Missing u. Maybe. Msg me back. just to chat.'

Random i know. So I msged back and was like 'Hey. How's it going? Watcha been up to? It's been a while... are you drunk hehe?'

I asked if he was drunk coz the last few times he's contacted me via a text message, he was already intoxicated and it's like he would be going through his phone to text random people so I thought my question was valid.

I kinda knocked out after I hit send. Whoops...

I awoke this morning, however, to find two missed calls from the guy and a text.

A text where my initial reaction was anger. Here's the text:

'Boo since when does Eric get drunk? Just missing u during my bday. Thought you would remember thats all :( '

I'm not gonna even ask why he's referring to himself in third person but you're probably wondering why I was angry when I read that particular text. And the answer is all in the last two sentences: Just missing u during my bday. Thought you would remember that's all.

I mean, where does he get off saying something like that when we havent been in contact for almost two years!? The last time I talked to him was at my 21st birthday (Dec, 2007)... which was almost two years ago... wait scratch that, the last time I saw him, I said 'Hi' but we were at a music festival and he was all drugged out.

It's not like he remembered my birthday last year. His cousin, on the other hand, at least texted me on the day, called me on the night I was celebrating and asked to come meet me to buy me a drink. I remember he came to the bar I was at for cheap 'Happy Hour' pre-drinks and he came by after work with another friend of ours, chatted to me for a bit, bought me a shot and then left. It wasn't much but it was something. It was a nice gesture and at least it showed me just a little, that he still wants me in his life (just as friends!). Since my 22nd birthday, I havent seen him at all, but we still keep in contact.

Not like Eric. And oh, by the way, I do think he was drunk and just lying to me. Who spends their birthday sober anyway? Even if he wanted to, his friends wouldn't have allowed it. He's one of the biggest drinkers I know. He wouldn't have gotten away with wanting to spend the night of his birthday sober.

It makes me think that at one point of the night, he sat in a corner of the room or wherever he was, drunk, whilst going through his phone and seeing who hadn't yet texted him to wish him 'Happy Birthday'. If that is true, in my opinion, that's kinda sad. In the past 12 months, we havent talked. We havent seen each other. We're on each other's MSN buddy list but we havent chatted.

If we havent talked in the past 12 months, then I wont necessarily contact you. Unless I want to.
And if you really missed me, then you would've contacted me a lot earlier because I realised something recently..

Life is short. I've learnt that. I'm still learning it. I know people and the media and everything that surrounds me says it all the time but I think I needed to experience it to really let it hit me. And trust me, I'm experiencing that moment. In the past year, I've been experiencing those particular moments that make you take a step back and realise:

'Shit. What just happened?'

'How can I change?'

'What can I do to make those I care about happy?' and

'What can I do to make myself happy?'

I finally stepped up and made a change in my life. For the benefit of me. For something I wanted to do. After listening to people around me who thought they knew what was best for me, I stopped and took a step back and realised that what they thought was the best for me was not the best for me because at the end of the day, I wasn't happy. I wasn't spending the day doing something I love.

If it doesn't make you happy (at all), don't do it. That's what I learnt.

And if you really can't quit on it, then find an element about it that makes you happy and try and reinforce positivity, encouraging yourself to see the bright side of things through that one element, whether it be big or small.

For example, I've been at my current job now (the one dealing with Finance and Business - boring!) for almost two years (two in October) but I'm not happy there. I stay because the people there make me happy. The people I work with. The people who I've created friendships with. The people, who are all older than me, and who like to look out for me.

Sure there have been times when those people piss you off and you just don't wanna be at work at all, but that happens everywhere. It's normal.

But at least my work encourages me to work for my future goals. It allows me to go to school in my spare time (after work) and strive towards something that I want to do later. If that means a career change, they'll support me and help me to find ways to take that extra or next step. :)

Okay this is turning out to be a longer post then I expected. It started off as a rant and then turned into a personal reflection! hehe I'm off.

//Edit: By the way, Eric's birthday is August 19th so my conclusion is he was definitely drunk last night. What an idiot / loser.. lame...

Peace.
chauie
'I've been thinking that you've crossed the line, if you disappeared that would be just fine' - Shame For You, Lily Allen

Letter

Dear ....... ,

I'm just gonna go straight into it.

I don't know why I ever liked you. Sure, I was probably superficial at the time and became attracted to your looks initially but now I think back and wonder why did I ever have feelings for you?

How could you treat me the way you did?

Leaving me behind in the cold? In the shadows?

I'd gotten used to being a shadow in the background in my past...with friends, even family. It always seemed like I was being compared to someone else... so in the past, I chose to take steps back and be 'forgotten'.

When I met you, I thought I'd found someone that had discovered my worth as a person. Even if nothing would have come out of us, as a friend, I thought you would at least treat me better.

Respect my feelings.

Respect my heart.

How wrong I was.

You're just like everyone else who's walked in and out of my life.

I think back now and I realise there are a lot of things that I hid about you. Telling friends and such, I said that you weren't that type of person that they questioned about. In reality though, I think I was hiding the truth from myself also.

I'm glad now that nothing happened. I believe now that everything happens for a reason and especially in this case, I'm glad the reason is for the better. That reason being that I'm able to move on with my life without you (in it) treating me like shit.

I feel sorry for the others.

Don't expect too much contact from me in the future.

Bye.

Oh one more thing, I'd like to quote one of my fave artists right now, Kid Cudi, through his lyrics with a message to you:

you're cool, you're cool, fuck you

and tell the *****, fuck you too

:)


Now I'm done.

~~~~~
This letter is dedicated to a boy in my past and from the last few lines, I'm sure you can tell that I am glad that from here on in, he wont be in my everyday life. I'll be making sure of that.

I want him to know, especially, that he's the last person that's gonna treat me that way.
I don't even know if I want him as a friend, or in my life for a moment longer.
I've lost my interest in him completely, perhaps Sydney boys altogether. (that's for you Jussy!)

This "letter" sparked my interest in writing it because I realised that it's almost been a year since all that shit happened. And since then, a whole load of other stuff has happened... and like I've said before, a lot can happen in a year.

One day, I might just post this letter to that unfortunate boy. Til then, it definitely got out what I've wanted to say for a long time.

Peace yo.
chauie
"I always remember feeling like I was no good.." - Resentment, Beyonce

People in the Office

I need to vent yet again. This is the only place I see that I'm able to do so. Here we go:

Some people in this office are just rude mothertruckers.

You think just coz you're one role above us in the corporate heirachy world, that you dont need to say hi to the rest of us?

It's just a form of greeting no matter what position you're in. You can snob us all you want for the rest of the day, but all we ask for in the morning is a greeting in return.

People will like you more if you said hi to the rest of us "commoners", and if you didn't know, I'm telling you, so that you now know.

And I also have to add that, a nod, does not constitute as a form of greeting. Not unless it's followed with a smile or a few words strung together along the lines of 'Hello'...

That's it.

Unfortunately I still have to face these 'people' until I find myself a better job and get myself outta here.


Peace out.
chauie
'I don't think that anyone is like you' - Re-Arranged, Limp Bizkit

My (Strange) Mood

At this moment, this time of night, I feel strange.

So far, I've had a great week but on the way home tonight, I found out some bad news about a family member and for some wierd reason I don't feel sad.

I mean, yes, I feel sad and sympathetic for her and her family right now because we don't really have all the information we want or need right now... but I just feel strange.

I feel like... something worse is around the corner.

I know it's a bad thing to feel. A worse thing to even let that thought cross my mind.

I mean, what could be worse than the end for someone you love and care about right?

I don't know what else to say right now.

I feel like I need to write.

I was talking to my workmate earlier in the week and I told him writing is my main form of expression. I often clam up and get all shy and shit, especially when I'm in a crowd, in the limelight or meeting new people, but give me a pen and paper and I could probably write for days on end..

Unfortunately, right now I feel that there are no right words to help me describe the exact emotions and feelings that I'm experiencing at this point.

So on that note, all I can do is stop and try and gather whatever strange thoughts are in my head and try to make sense of it all.

//Edit: Now I'm crying (just a little) listening to the following lyrics:

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

'Cuz I'm ready for the funeral

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

So please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

'Cuz I'm ready for the funeral

(I'm ready for the funeral, I'm ready for the funeral)

Night,
chauie

Nineteen Minutes...

I'm reading this book by Jodi Picoult and the first page had me hooked. I read the first page in the bookstore and I just wanted to keep reading to find out more.

The first page is a short letter.

Really, it's a suicide note if you read it and understand the message behind it.

It really hit me too..

There have been times in my twenty-two years when I've wanted to leave, well not exactly this letter / message behind, but something along these lines and see what other people's reactions would be...

Check it:

By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.
You can't undo something that's happened; you can't take back a word that's already been said out loud. You'll think about me and wish that you had been able to talk me out of this. You'll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do. I guess I should tell you,
Don't blame yourself, this isn't your fault,
but that would be a lie. We both know that I didn't get here by myself.
You'll cry, at my funeral. You'll say it didn't have to be this way. You will act like everyone expects you to. But will you miss me?
More importantly - will I miss you?
Does either one of us really want to hear the answer to that question?

Peace,

chauie