(Written on 28 November 2009)
They're downstairs whilst I'm up
I went outside before
And the cold wind felt good against my face
In a sense, stopping my tears from escaping - if that were possible.
But the cold breeze hit my legs in shorts
And I hurried inside.
Well, that was part of the reason.
The other part was coz the sound of laughter was too much.
Hearing the happiness against my saddened thoughts contradicted my mood in a sense
And so it had me rushing inside to find my earphones
I've got Thom on repeat now
And I've blocked out the rest of the world.
... At least until that bedroom door bursts open and it's time for me to stop writing and join in on the 'fun'.
Peace,
chauie
'In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told. Somewhere far along this road,' - Heartless, Kanye West
Saturday, December 5, 2009
There There
(Written on 28 November 2009)
There's just some things you realise that you want and things you don't.
I wish my best friend was here with me right now.
There are times when I feel like I still put my guard up with her (coz of my past experiences) but I think this weekend - this trip - would have been the perfect time for the both of us to have a good ol' heart to heart.
There are two best friends on this trip and seeing them earlier chatting away and catching up made me miss mine even more.
She's finished with Uni now so maybe someday soon...
I also miss my Auntie.
I feel like I haven't experienced that closure for her since she passed. I feel like I haven't cried all the tears I can possibly endure. I haven't yet let go of all of the emotions that are bottled up within me right now (and I know they're still there coz I let some escape the first night we were here).
The worst part is, (and I can't keep thinking about it either), that I realised too late that I never got to say all the things I wanted to say when the realisation of her loss hit me.
Sometimes I wish my aunt wasn't cremated and was buried instead so that I could go to her grave (on my own terms) whenever I needed to and just speak my thoughts - out loud.
My hands shake and my eyes are welling up as I write this and listen to Thom York singing out to me 'Just coz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.' (Radiohead, There There)
I've escaped from the rest of my group of friends for the moment to jot down my thoughts but it saddens me a bit knowing that they haven't noticed that I'm missing and come looking for me... coz well, it's been awhile..
A bit of a lengthy one,
chauie
There's just some things you realise that you want and things you don't.
I wish my best friend was here with me right now.
There are times when I feel like I still put my guard up with her (coz of my past experiences) but I think this weekend - this trip - would have been the perfect time for the both of us to have a good ol' heart to heart.
There are two best friends on this trip and seeing them earlier chatting away and catching up made me miss mine even more.
She's finished with Uni now so maybe someday soon...
I also miss my Auntie.
I feel like I haven't experienced that closure for her since she passed. I feel like I haven't cried all the tears I can possibly endure. I haven't yet let go of all of the emotions that are bottled up within me right now (and I know they're still there coz I let some escape the first night we were here).
The worst part is, (and I can't keep thinking about it either), that I realised too late that I never got to say all the things I wanted to say when the realisation of her loss hit me.
Sometimes I wish my aunt wasn't cremated and was buried instead so that I could go to her grave (on my own terms) whenever I needed to and just speak my thoughts - out loud.
My hands shake and my eyes are welling up as I write this and listen to Thom York singing out to me 'Just coz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.' (Radiohead, There There)
I've escaped from the rest of my group of friends for the moment to jot down my thoughts but it saddens me a bit knowing that they haven't noticed that I'm missing and come looking for me... coz well, it's been awhile..
A bit of a lengthy one,
chauie
Friday, December 4, 2009
Too Little, Too Late
Okay so now that I've posted the thoughts running through my mind within the past 12 hours, I'll move on and keep my promise of posting pieces I wrote during last weekend's trip. These aren't necessarily poetry but thoughts I had during the trip. Thoughts I didn't think to speak out loud... I'll post one now and the others later.
(Written on 26th November 2009)
The view of this place is so beautiful
But there is something I've just found out
That has already lead
To a mix of paranoia and hate
But even if they were to turn around and say something now,
It would just be too little, too late.
I guess when time passes,
You forget about what could have been.
People change and sometimes
We say things that aren't really what it seems.
The things I've found out online
Which I know was not meant for my eyes to see
Are things you cannot take back
It's out there now (for everyone to see) so I guess we just gotta let it be...
But the feeling of not knowing
Still forms a feeling of hurt within
I'm not Christian but I can't help but saying, 'Forgive me father, for I (feel that I) have sinned'.
A sinner of words, assumptions, exclamations and thoughts.
Peace.
chauie
'Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye' - Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson
(Written on 26th November 2009)
The view of this place is so beautiful
But there is something I've just found out
That has already lead
To a mix of paranoia and hate
But even if they were to turn around and say something now,
It would just be too little, too late.
I guess when time passes,
You forget about what could have been.
People change and sometimes
We say things that aren't really what it seems.
The things I've found out online
Which I know was not meant for my eyes to see
Are things you cannot take back
It's out there now (for everyone to see) so I guess we just gotta let it be...
But the feeling of not knowing
Still forms a feeling of hurt within
I'm not Christian but I can't help but saying, 'Forgive me father, for I (feel that I) have sinned'.
A sinner of words, assumptions, exclamations and thoughts.
Peace.
chauie
'Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye' - Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson
A Thousand Thoughts
So I know I said I was going to post pieces that I'd written whilst on a trip away with my crew last weekend but last night, I went to a farewell and there were moments during the night where I would just sit there, look around at everyone conversing and say nothing.
Saying nothing but thinking a thousand thoughts.
There have been many times in my life, moreso within the past year or two, where I've wondered why I'm here.
Common said it right when he narrates on Kid Cudi's track 'In My Dreams (Cudder Anthem)', stating 'Long before we know ourselves, Our paths are already set in stone. Some may never figure out their purpose in life, And some will.'
That's what I want to know. A good friend of mine, where we've only recently became close after he came back from an overseas trip, told me that when he talked to me, he felt like I was looking for answers.
And he was right on point.
I am looking for answers.
One in particular: What is my purpose in life?
There are days when I sit amongst my friends (like last night) and feel like I don't belong.
There are times when I'm surrounded by people and still feel all alone.
It can be pretty fucked up to feel this way.
I always thought that these particular thoughts would be something I'd always keep to myself, close to my heart. At the very least, write them on the back of a postcard and send them to PostSecret (aka the best creative idea ever!) but knowing me, I would write too much and run out of space on the tiny bit of blank space.
But I'm turning twenty-three in twelve days and for me, I feel, it's the age where I need to finally let my guards down and be honest. Moreso with myself than anyone else.
And what better way to do so than here on this blog. These are, after all, my thoughts.
But I hope, like I've previously mentioned when I started this blog, that people accept my thoughts for what they are - my opinions, my experiences. Some things you can be symapthetic towards but most times, I just want to figure it out on my own. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Experiencing things and learning from the wrong and remembering the right?
But that doesn't necessarily mean that I won't accept your shoulder, your hand, or a hug if you offer it to me.
Peace and love yo.
x
chauie
'Baby how I dream of being free since my birth, Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse. Have you ever heard of some shit so real? Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel. - The Prayer, Kid Cudi
Saying nothing but thinking a thousand thoughts.
There have been many times in my life, moreso within the past year or two, where I've wondered why I'm here.
Common said it right when he narrates on Kid Cudi's track 'In My Dreams (Cudder Anthem)', stating 'Long before we know ourselves, Our paths are already set in stone. Some may never figure out their purpose in life, And some will.'
That's what I want to know. A good friend of mine, where we've only recently became close after he came back from an overseas trip, told me that when he talked to me, he felt like I was looking for answers.
And he was right on point.
I am looking for answers.
One in particular: What is my purpose in life?
There are days when I sit amongst my friends (like last night) and feel like I don't belong.
There are times when I'm surrounded by people and still feel all alone.
It can be pretty fucked up to feel this way.
I always thought that these particular thoughts would be something I'd always keep to myself, close to my heart. At the very least, write them on the back of a postcard and send them to PostSecret (aka the best creative idea ever!) but knowing me, I would write too much and run out of space on the tiny bit of blank space.
But I'm turning twenty-three in twelve days and for me, I feel, it's the age where I need to finally let my guards down and be honest. Moreso with myself than anyone else.
And what better way to do so than here on this blog. These are, after all, my thoughts.
But I hope, like I've previously mentioned when I started this blog, that people accept my thoughts for what they are - my opinions, my experiences. Some things you can be symapthetic towards but most times, I just want to figure it out on my own. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Experiencing things and learning from the wrong and remembering the right?
But that doesn't necessarily mean that I won't accept your shoulder, your hand, or a hug if you offer it to me.
Peace and love yo.
x
chauie
'Baby how I dream of being free since my birth, Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse. Have you ever heard of some shit so real? Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel. - The Prayer, Kid Cudi
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Apologies
Hi yo
So I've been away for the past few days on a real mad hectic trip with my 13itches crew and then some so haven't been able to post but that didn't stop me from writing so expect for some to be coming your way over the next couple of days :)
At work at the moment so gotta get back to it.
Peace.
chauie
So I've been away for the past few days on a real mad hectic trip with my 13itches crew and then some so haven't been able to post but that didn't stop me from writing so expect for some to be coming your way over the next couple of days :)
At work at the moment so gotta get back to it.
Peace.
chauie
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