The Way He Makes Me Feel

I wrote this last night on the train on the way home from class. Almost got a little teary too just thinking about it all. The subject. The words that were coming out. This is the truth right here. Words I probably have never spoken aloud before about this particular person. I won't reveal who but if he ever happens to read this, then he should know who he is. I just don't think he realises how he makes me feel.
Again, my thoughts are scattered and probably repetitive throughout this piece but I didn't want to cross out anything... This is purely a rant. Seeing him earlier in the evening sparked these words..

~
I can't seem to escape events and places where I used to go alone.
I now see him joining in... to everything. What happened?
Things were so much better when I didn't see his face.
Today I stepped off the train and as I was walking up the escalator, I saw him walking out of his carriage. It wasn't what I needed. Not in my current state of mind.
I don't want to see him.
(Obviously avoiding him didn't work since he keeps showing up)
What else do I need to do to give him a sign?
I hate the way he makes me feel after every conversation we have
Stupid
And not good enough
Every time we talk, his tone and actions show a different side of him
I can't stand the way he makes me feel after the exchange of words between one another - whether it be a lot or a litte
He reminds me of someone else... Someone who I have not spoken one word to in the last six months
(It could happen to him)
People like that don't deserve my time, yet they keep showing up
(My) Emotions run on high whenever we chat
I don't dare cry in front of him but because of the way he makes me feel
I can't help but let my emotions run wild

Stupid
Not good enough
The two characteristics/words that are often repeating in my head when we talk.
Before, during but especially afterwards.
He makes me lose all confidence in myself simply because of the way he talks to me that I'm often left in the sense of feeling that he thinks he's better.
Better than me.
Better than you.
Better than everyone we both know

I don't know why I ever... (finish this sentence)

He makes me want to scream.
He makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry myself to sleep, hoping to never see his face again
(Don't worry, I didn't do that last night but he txted me this morning - there's no escape!)

I'm scarred emotionally and because of my past, sometimes I feel I'm physically scarred too. (With my past coming back to haunt me) They often both link with one another.

~

I don't really want to post this because I know the questions will come from the few friends that read this blog but I need to let it out.
Thank goodness for my day off today.

x
chauie

'How come, how long, its not right, it's so wrong. Do we let it just go on? Turn our backs and carry on. Wake up, for it's too late' - How Come, How Long by Babyface & Stevie Wonder

All Over The Place (April Update)

This post is going to be ... exactly what the title reads, so forgive me if you are confused by the end of it all. Just imagine living through it.

My mind has been mixed of thoughts, emotions, feelings, words and moods - particularly within the past month. April wasn't exactly a great month for me.

I came to a lot of realisations - in particular, with friends, family, the opposite sex and myself.

Usually ending with this topic, I'm gonna flip it and start off with it, because surprisingly, I don't have much to say on them this time around so here we go:

The Opposite Sex
I was recently seeing someone but it turned sour when I realised we both wanted different things. It sucks coz I was really starting to like him too.. Oh well.
The worst part is, I turned to alcohol afterwards and I realised that wallowing when alcohol is involved is a very, very bad idea. :(

Needless to say, I haven't drank very much since that night.

As for anyone else? No thanks. At least not for a little while longer.
I will admit though that going on dates had my heart beating a lil' faster than usual and I really enjoyed those moments... But those moments are over now.

Family
Arguments. Arguments. Arguments.
Every few days, there's a screaming match going on it seems in my household.
It's literally a war of words.
Because of this, my brothers and I want to move out.
I, for one, can't afford it at the moment but one brother is looking to work overseas and the other is going to open houses and auctions every weekend hoping to purchase a piece of property.
All of this just to avoid the words conversed between one another. Words conversed in negative tones.
Other than that, my nephew keeps a smile on my face each time I see him :)

Life

My brother said it perfectly the other night and I've never actually thought about it like that before but it's like I'm working 4 jobs - the office, class, Acclaim and thirteen itches. Maybe that's why I've been so tired. Every weekend, all I wanna do is SLEEP. Do nothing but sit at home and be a couch potato... (much like I'm doing right now on my day off).

No chores. No assignments. Nothing.

Kind of a bad thing but after all the things I've had on my plate lately, there's not much I wanna do... or have time for.

Work
The office in North Sydney is the same as it was since I had that all important review with my Manager, but it seems like within those last few weeks, no action has really been taken even though I've voiced my feelings over several weeks many times.
I was talking to my close friend/sometimes therapist the other night and we both discussed the option of going to someone in a higher position.
Don't get me wrong, my manager is cool and she's been really supportive with my past problems, but it doesn't seem like she's followed through with this latest problem which is kinda bad in my opinion, or really bad coz it's THIS problem that may lead me to quitting this job sooner than we both realize...

Acclaim

Things have been a little slow the past few weeks - only coz the Melbourne team were working towards getting their latest issue out which is fine. I still sent over my 2-3 weekly blogs but didn't hear all that much feedback/assignments from my editor.
Once the new issue was out though - with my name mentioned as an intern (woot woot!) - I emailed my editor and I told her my thoughts on it and she came back and gave me what I needed to hear - her appreciation of my work thus far on the blog. And as a token of appreciation, she said she'd be sending me a present. Score!
Don't worry, I will be posting a photo of that present right here on this blog when I receive it :)

thirteen itches
It seems like everything is progressing at the moment. Volume II is coming out (realistically) at the end of this month and we're already thinking up ideas for Volume III. I'm kinda excited. I know I haven't put much of an input into the project as much I'd like to lately but I know the guys understand and that's all I really need to know right now.
Managed to go to a meeting last night without feeling guilty (coz I had no class) and though it was a very very short meeting, it was still good to be there and get involved.

Friends

This was a big realisation that I had last month of which the thought came to me when I realised that my current group of friends are so much better than any other group of friends I've ever had. Before I met these particular individuals - each and every one of them - I was a social butterfly. I had little groups of friends everywhere. I was the girl that wanted to be liked by everyone basically.
I wanted that approval. Kind of almost needed it in a sense - in high-school, especially. And even though I was with those 'friends' for a good 6 years or more, I never felt loved by one entire group. At the time, it seemed 'love' was just a word you threw around.
Now I don't really care and I'm actually fine with letting a friendship go. (Much like my previous post)
The guys and girls I'm hanging out and kickin' with now really know me (even thought it's been far less than six years). They know who I am. They know what I want in life. They know what I aspire to be and they're willing to help and support me til I get there.
They accept me.
Through all the tears, attitudes or whatever, everyone makes the effort to work it out with one another in order to keep the friendship tight.
Now isn't that what it's supposed to be all about? (Cue: Aaawwww!!!) :P

x

chauie
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now' - Airplanes Pt 2, B.O.B ftg Hayley Williams and Eminem

Think Again...

It's so strange the vibe between us two
There's something you have to know though
Despite what he may or may not have told you about me
About what happened
Whatever it was that did happen between us,
It ruined the friendship between he and I
And now because you're in his picture,
It's going to put a big strain on our friendship
As much as I thought we could have became close friends
We can't now and possibly never will
Even if something were to happen
Harsh? Possibly
But I'm being honest and voicing my opinion
And whilst you may not know about it or read this blog
Your friends do
And one day, you'll figure it out.

But last night should have been a big hint for you when I could hardly say two words to you
And neither could the other guy who probably knows exactly how I feel but doesn't want to express it as loudly as I do on this blog.

See you in another life.
P.S. Your boyfriend woke me up this morning on my day off.

chauie
'We're at the crossroads my dear, where do we go from here?' - Where Do We Go From Here, Alicia Keys

It's A Sign!

On Tuesday, after the long weekend, I unwillingly went back to work only to find out that my account had expired.
I couldn't do anything for two hours!

Was someone giving me a sign that I was not meant to be there?
Not just that particular day, but at work - at all?

If only I could afford to quit and just write...

That's all.
chauie

Realisation

I had a crazy day yesterday.
Some people just cease to amaze me in regards to the lengths of actions they'll take to avoid doing something that is 'hard'.
I admit I procrastinate a lot so it may take me a couple days to really face something challenging but if it has to be done that day, then ill do it.
Yesterday that girl started a new role within the team and an error occurred in the system.
Suck shit right? Figure out how to fix it.
Instead, she gets another guy in the team (whose last day is tomorrow by the way) to call up people to chase it up and find out what's wrong so that she can do whatever else was on her to-do list.
Poor guy and what a bitch.
It gets better though.
By lunch time, the system wasn't fixed and after no-one paying attention to her, she feigned sickness after eating something dodgy and goes home, leaving the rest of the team to do her dirty work.
Gr..
After all this though and class last night (yes, it was a long day!), I've realised something:
Do what you love.
Concentrate on people and projects that deserve your time.
That's all that really should matter.

Peace,
x
chauie
'Don't want to see you hear you, be anywhere near you, you probably think I'm threatened by you but your illusionary power doesn't threaten me. Actually I think it's kind of funny that you create an illusion that is a mirror, I don't appreciate you and I know that that surprises you' - Special Ones, George