My Heart On A Plate

Every Sunday, without a doubt, you'll find me in my bed, reading up and catching up on all my favourite blogs. Listening to the latest music, reading the newest reviews and discovering what my friends (and whoever else I've added to my favourites) have been getting up to during the week.

More often than not, I will end the weekend with a bunch of new music in my iTunes. And I would have come across something inspirational. Something that inspired me to speak the truth. Something that left me with a smile on my face or a tear in my eye.

Today I experienced just that.
Listening to the new music I acquired, I thought I'd share some deep, raw and honest thoughts with you right now:

Little bits of my heart have been broken over the past 23 years of my life. Not always because of love or my (false) idea of love. Sometimes because of betrayal through friendships. Other times the cause has been the broken trust between myself and someone I know. The emotion you feel when you hear someone talking about you or someone you know and care for when you're standing right there like it doesn't matter. Like you're invisible. The tears that fall down from my eyes and roll down my cheeks when I hear something that causes pain to my ears, my mind and my already fragile heart.


My heart has been broken so many times before. I feel stupid for allowing myself to give it away so easily. To let people break down my walls and touch my heart. At the time it just felt right. But most times I found out the hard way that it just wasn't the right thing to do. It wasn't the right person I should have opened up and shared my heart with.


After all the shit I went through during high-school, I wish I was a stronger person because of it. Learning from my mistakes and all that. Lately, I've been running into one of the girls who caused my final years of high-school a living hell and if I wasn't so self-conscious, I would have walked up and slapped her in the face already. At least that's how I imagined it would be. She wasn'the main cause of my pessimistic attitude after high-school but she was a supporter of the main girl who bullied her way through our senior years to cause me endless pain - more emotional than physical.


I don't cry about it so much now as I used to when I would tell friends what I'd been through. But seeing her lately (even at a distance) has just really made me feel really uneasy. 

How can anyone go on living life so carefree knowing that they've treated someone else like shit? 

High-school was all about the drama and trying to make ourselves more liked by everyone around us but now, we're almost reaching our mid-20s and although I still despise those girls and the things they did, I just want to move on - completely - and live an independent life - free of all things that bring me down. 

Here's a couple of quotes that had me wanting to write the above today.
I'm out.
x

'I heard your voice through a photograph. I thought it up, it brought up the past. Once you know you can never go back' - Otherside, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Strange Night

It's 2:20am and I'm still awake. Why? Nfi...
Was at a house party earlier tonight
And I was pretty drunk about two hours ago...
I don't know why I've all of a sudden sobered up..
Maybe the car ride home had something to do with it
Thinking about the whole night
And the events of the last week
The confusion... the heartbreak
The flirting... the potential
The awkwardness... the blast from the past

I just don't know what to do...
My mind is racing and maybe that's why I'm still awake
I wanted to talk to my best friend about it
And I think she knew I had stuff on my mind
But there was someone in the back seat...
Oh well.

It's been a strange night.
The even stranger thing is the nice guy formed a friendship and left with the bad guy.

My thoughts are all muddled up.
On the flipside, the guy who broke a little bit of my heart acted like nothing happened between us that night when we saw each other again.
I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Gonna try and sleep but I doubt it.
There goes my sleep again.
Out.
x

Easier Said Than Done

Men
When you think something good is going on
When something seems like a sure thing
They turn around and treat you like shit
And that's what I don't get.
Why?

Two nights ago was the EOFY party at work and although the party at work was shit, it was the numerous places we went afterwards that made the night interesting, fun and memorable - in good and bad ways.

I don't know what happened.
We were flirting all night... He asked me to come along with to where he and everyone else was going and of course I obliged.. I thought things would go further to what's been happening between us these past few weeks...
My friend asked if he was tied down and he avoided answering... note that I didn't find this out until during the ride home.

We danced, we drank, we flirted... all the usual fun stuff that gets your heart pumping on a good night out.
It wasn't until the end of the night when we all pretty much were reaching drunk status and my friend asked him that same question again.
Apparently he admitted that yes, he did and then proceeded to show her a picture...

Why did he flirt with me all night?
Allowing me to touch him, hold him, hug him... all that and a little bit more?

WTF?
I'm really not happy.
Haven't been since the car ride home.
He completely lead me on.
FUCK.

What is Monday going to be like?
When we're both back in the office and we have to face each other?
Despite all this shit, he is a good friend.
But that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset, annoyed, and most of all disappointed.

I admit I kind of knew coz other people told me about it but I wanted to hear it from his mouth.
He told my friend. I guess that's enough for me.

My friend texted me yesterday morning and said "Don't worry about Monday. Who cares"
My first thought was 'Easier said than done'.

I seem to be a magnet for unavailable men - physically, emotionally and status-wise.
That's it. I'm giving up on men.

Back to study next week so at least I have that to distract me.
Just gotta get through this week. Maybe I should go into hiding.

On the plus side, I went to lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and though the food was amazing, I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened the night before. I simply pretended that I was too drunk to remember.. : /

Out.
x
chauie
'Well I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry. I'm not gon' shed no tears. No, I'm not gon' cry, it's not the time, 'cause you're not worth my tears' - Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige.

Office Boy(friend)

As per my last post, the cute guy in the office has been sending me mixed signals... leaving me utterly confused!
Men...

Here we go.. **Written Monday morning**

Why does he confuse me so much?
Is he playing a game and expecting me to play along?
His mixed signals drive me crazy
Yet leave me wanting more
(Everyday) I see him
Some days I see him looking for me
Just the way I find myself looking for him
He made his move that first night
But I blamed it on the a-a-alcohol
Talk to me
Don't talk to me
Are we more than frriends?
Or just friends caught in a flirt fest?
I'm so confused

But I can admit that I think you're cute.
I just wish you would give me a sign.

A friend said you like me
But you're scared to make a move because of the extra baggage you're carrying.
I wish you'd just tell me something
Anything

I've been in this position before
And I really don't want to be going backwards in life
To find myself here again...

If you don't do or say something soon
Then unlucky for you, I'll be walking away.

Insomnia

A couple of posts tonight written from the past couple of days... they're self-explanatory so I'm not going to explain any further. Happy reading.

**Written Saturday morning**

Something's up
I haven't been able to get a proper night's sleep in over two weeks
Everyday I seem to be waking up before my alarm starts buzzing
And some nights I'm only averaging 4-5 hours of sleep no matter if I choose to sleep at 10pm or at my usual bedtime of midnight.. :(
Last Friday I managed to sleep 10 hours but I was tipsy creeping on drunk so I don't think that's the way to go about it.
I don't know what's going on with my body
My brother blames it on the excessive amount of red bull I always drink but I haven't had the need to drink any since my last weekend of major study.
My workmate suggested that maybe I was thinking about too much..
That I was excited about something
But the only thing that gets me excited these days is hearing from my editor
... And seeing that cute guy in my office..
And even that one, I'm not so sure about anymore
Coz his constant mixed signals are leaving me more and more confused as the days pass

Anyhow more on that later.
I'm out.
x