Blah is my mood..

Today was 30 June.
The all important date in the Financial World due to the fact it was the 'End of Financial Year'.
After almost two years of being at this job, this date doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I came into work and I didn't even realise the date.
I was just not in the mood to 'focus' and give in to the pressure they were putting us in.

I was just, simply put, over it.

That's the best and only way I can really describe the mood I was in.
And unfortunately I was in that mood all day.
I was snappy and just every little thing seemed to irritate me.
Even the 'free pizza for lunch' didnt put a smile on my face.
No... actually that made me feel sick which was even worse I'd say, coz I felt blah for the rest of the day.
Things seemed to brighten up a bit just before lunch when one of my best mates there suggested we go for a walk coz she 'just needed to get out of there'. I took on the offer without hesitation, but unfortunately when we got outside, we walked maybe ten metres when she decided it was too cold and she was hungry. Oh well...

Another day at the office I suppose.

I can't wait to get out of here...
But honestly with all this repetitive talk of the 'economic crisis' and whatnot, I doubt I'll be able to find a job elsewhere anytime soon so therefore I gotta work at it my own way...
hmmm...

x
chauie
"I see it around me, I see it in everything. I could be so much more than this" - My Sundown, Jimmy Eat World

Untitled Pt 2.

So went and grabbed something to eat but I'm back ready to continue but I think I'm gonna leave that last topic for a bit. I have something else thats weighing on my mind and it's something that the nurse, Sarah, said at my review last week:

'Make sure you go for Plastic, not Cosmetic'.

This has been an ongoing battle for me ever since I was young. Even before I knew about it, if that's possible. But what I mean is, when I was young, I didn't know what was right or wrong. I don't think I had even learnt to talk at the age that the accident happened.

After what happened last Friday though, I couldn't help but laugh about it and say to my Mum that I do it coz 'I like hospitals'. Obviously no-body does but at that point, I just couldn't cry about it. Or maybe I just didn't want to. So it was kind of like a reflex to make a joke and laugh about it. Obviously I didn't want it to happen. It just did.

But in reference to what Sarah said, I am definitely going to do my research if I ever decide to go through with it. Actually, let's rewind and rephrase that. I have thought about it, too many times, but I will be sure to do my research when I decide to take that leap. But at least with Sarah's advice, I know now to scratch off all the Cosmetic Surgeons off the list..

Growing up, I've had plenty of people look at me and try to tell me what they thought was best for me. Even though they had no medical background, they just looked at me and you know they were just thinking 'she ain't really pretty coz of 'that' ' but to be polite... well they thought it was polite, they would just be like 'if you ever decide to, you should go to this guy' or 'check out this person's credentials' or 'if you're really committed to getting rid of it, you should think about going overseas'.

Most times I just don't have a response for that shit. I appreciated the fact that they cared for me but sometimes it just didn't bother me. I've become used to having it part of my appearance. Looking at it in the mirror and have it staring back at me. But from what I've seen and heard over the years, it just seems to come with people's first impressions of me when they see me.

That shit is fucked up in my opinion.

That whole saying about 'don't judge a book by its cover' - that shit needs to come into play with the people I seem to meet. Seems they make a judgement about me before I even open my mouth. There's a sense of pity and sympathy in their voices.

If only you knew all the comments I've heard over the years, whether they were to my face or behind my back... Pretty sad stuff. Especially experiencing it first-hand, knowing that people can stoop that low. Sometimes it's when you know people don't really think about what they say before they say it. Kinda like the truth is coming out. Pretty fucked up yo..

I've never been this honest talking about it, but I just felt that now was the time to lay all the cards out on the table.

I don't need the pity. I don't need the sympathy. Look past the physical side of a person and get to know the person then make a judgement. Please. Most times, people surprise you when you least expect it.

Think about that.

I'm out.
Peace..

x
chauie
"Listen to the words that you say, it's getting harder to stay" - Only You, Joshua Radin

Untitled...

I don't really know what this post is about but I just watched Seven Pounds, that movie with Will Smith, and it evoked so many emotions within me that all I could think about was writing. Now I have so many different things running through in my mind that I wanna apologise, in advance, that this post will be all over the place. Just my random ramblings..

I don't even know where to start.

I wish I was as brave as 'Ben Thomas'. If you haven't seen it, you need to go and rent it on DVD NOW or something coz that shit is wow... But I'm not brave. I'm scared. Sometimes a loser. Wish I was a laser hehe (inside joke for Lupe fans)

Been thinking about all the things that have been happening within the past ten days... all the shit that I've been reading. All the things that have crossed my mind, even for a second. All the stuff I've been posting...

I've decided this should be my only blog... I'm gonna make those other ones private. Coz no-one really reads the things I write unless I tell them about it. And when I do, they'll read it. Once. Then forget about it. They don't really ask me how the writing is going either. So I'm just gonna give up now and write what I want to write because I want to write about it.

And I've always wanted to write. When I was growing up, my first dream was to be an Interior Designer just coz I loved watching the decorating part about it. In High-School, I found a bigger love for writing. My English teach in Year Ten was the best ever but she left (due to personal reasons) during my senior years when I needed her encouragement and support the most from those who weren't giving it to me.... those who probably should have been but just didn't.

Unfortunately my own encouragement and confidence fared quite low so I didn't exactly get the highest of marks for me to study Journalism in University. So I had two choices: Nursing or (Furniture) Design. I chose the latter, hoping it would evoke some inspiration of my first big) love. That, and coz I didn't really like the sight of blood.

But, once again after almost finishing my Design degree, with about a year to go, I hit a halt and I decided Design wasn't for me.... so I dropped out of that too. Trust me, these wrong decisions I'd been making were causing my parents and family money and grief and I hated it. I was never happy studying. The pressures of it all. All for just a piece of paper. That shit doesn't even matter anymore nowadays. But that was all my parents wanted. That piece of damn paper. Shit... if I could, I would just photoshop that shit and print it out at home then frame it up for them. That's what I felt like doing anytime the topic came up.

And trust me, it still comes up now. Even though I'm in a full time job and I'm doing okay. Once in a while, I'll go to pick up my mum from work and during the drive home, she just has to break the silence and 'suggest' that I go back to school. You don't know how many times I've sat in the car and just... cried.... silently. I don't even wipe those tears away. I just listen to her... but I don't think I'm really hearing what she's saying coz it's always the same damn thing. I've heard it a million times and I will probably hear it a million times more until I do what they want me to do.

They just don't get it. They don't get me. After almost twenty-three years, they still don't understand. And it hurts. Damn it hurts.

I'm gonna stop for a minute...

This post shall be continued...

Response to N*E*R*D's Everyone Nose Remix

Hey hey... I've been listening to N*E*R*D's Remix of Everyone Nose ftg Kanye, Lupe and Pusha T a lot lately and whilst writing my usual stuff, decided to stray away from the serious stuff and have a little fun by writing a response to the boys' lyrics. I wrote this ages ago and wrote the end of the response to Pharrell first and I guess the rest just came out... remember this is just fun!

Everyone k(nose) this song (get it?) and if I could sing, I'd probably record it but I can't so these are just lyrics... enjoy :0)

[My] Response to Everyone Nose Remix

Hey K, I ain't got any black inside me
Don't know if I want some (want some)
I know I got a right to do whatever I like
But see, I got the right one that right one
Sydney's always the flyest
We don't rate as the shyest
Not drinking diet coke
I ain't on any diet
She bat she bat her eyelids
I ain't that girl that's so wired
It's true I'm so tired, but yes, I'm on fire!
Hundred dollar bills, look at me look at me
A hundred dollar bills, do you like what you see?
Not like Paris Lindsay Britney, Mary-Kate and Whitney
I'm telling you I'm clean, so hey just once listen to me!

[Chorus: All of ya'll standing in the line for the bathroom x3]

I left my boy at home
I said I'm at my sisters
Me and my girlfriends wrong
We're with you taking pictures
I gotta tell you something
I ain't spending Daddy's cash
'Cause he almost lost it all
In the economic crash
One down to sit, one trying to leave
Just lettin' you know, I wear my heart on my sleeve
It's clear as black and white, like my English essay
You may be per-sis-tent,
But sorry, this just ain't your day
You said to think about my future
But can't do that tomorrow
Watcha talking about P?
My words you just can't borrow
I'm like, 'Hey Pharrell, I ain't tryna kill your mood
But I can't do the Star Trak sign
So hey, watcha gonna do?'

[Chorus: All of ya'll standing in the line for the bathroom x3]

Now I've got high hopes
[Of] just trying to say hi to you
Don't want the high life
And all the things you do
I know you're high rollin'
I know it's high stakes
But I'm still here, steppin' on no brakes
[You got it wrong Lu]
I'm not high-maintenance
I'm not high fashion
I'm not high-priced
I just got lots of passion
I've got my high heels, you've got your high tops
Making my way down to P's BBC shop
Can't tell you how it feels up on this high rise
There is no high score to claim a highlight
I've got my ipod pumpin' my iTunes
Come meet me tomorrow at 3 in the afternoon

[Chorus: All of ya'll standing in the line for the bathroom x3]

Now listen here Pusha T
You may be the king of coke with your powder crown
But all this talk of drugs
Is just making me to wanna frown
Seem's like you're a magnet to madness like Mr Cudi
Take a leaf out of his book and cool the profanity
Let me tell you something about myself
My feelings always seem to be left on the top shelf
Friends come to me for advice, not that I mind
But when they don't ask about me,
For some reason I feel undefined
They all seem blind, to what's really on my mind
Now I just have one question for you
Are you still in the car switching from lane to lane?
I'll join you in a heartbeat,
All you gotta do is call my name...

[Chorus: All of ya'll standing in the line for the bathroom x3]



Peace yo... I had fun writing this...

Unwanted Memories - 'Everything Happens For A Reason'

So on Tuesday I had a review for an accident I had last Friday night that had me ending up in the Emergency Room at 2 in the morning... shit was crazy but I'm not gonna go into it.

So it was the end of my review and the nurse asked me what happened 'there'?

I know where 'there' is and I guess I should be used to answering this question as I've had to answer it my whole life. When I first started getting asked, I have to be honest I choked up a bit whenever I had to give a reply, but since it had been so long since someone had asked me this particular question about that particular area... once again I could feel the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes.

Here I was, in front of a stranger, explaining what happened to me when I was young and all the bullshit that I had to deal with there on after. But in a way, that saying 'everything happens for a reason' does kinda fall into place for me there I think, only because I see the way people treat me and act around me. The way they judge me on my looks and shit.

Cats be walking on eggshells around me [when that topic comes up].

High-school was the worst. Especially with all the backstabbing and bitching going on. Especially with the girls. Man, girls are so catty in high-school. Or maybe they never stop being catty. I know I've experienced some cattiness at work but that's a different story altogether.

Boys better watch out though coz I'm always saying this and that is:

all girls can be a bitch when she wants to be.

But back to this story... this nurse, Sarah, was asking me these questions, well that particular one, but I didn't feel the need to shut her down. She had such a nurturing characteristic that for the next 15 minutes, I felt that I could just let my guards down and tell her all the shit I've been through with friends, former and current, and the worst, family members.

That shit is fucked when you overhear aunts and uncles talking about you and the way you look at parties and shit. Topic seems to come up every year. They drink and talk and they look around at all the kids and then there, they spot me. And they start talking.

Fuck the talk. I hate the talk. But I listen anyway. Don't know why. I just do.

Anyways I'm out.
Peace.
x
chauie

"Coz my comfort would prefer to for me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become" - C.S Lewis Song, Brooke Fraser